Today's play: Badge of Dishonor

The following play is a compilation of several visits over the last 6 weeks to the security desk where I work.

Me: My badge is not letting me in anywhere.

Dork in Security: Which doors?

Me: So far none.

Dork: Well...it's been cold and it's affecting the readers.

Me: It's only forty-two degrees.

Dork: Yeah...Brrrr. It's been causing some problems with the badge readers.

Me: No one else seems to be having a problem.

Dork: Oh there have been a few people who've had problems.

Me: Well, the "cold" weather doesn't account for me not being able to access doors on the inside.

Dork: Lemme check your badge.

Me: Thanks. (Dork goes to computer and types on the keyboard. Dork returns.)

Dork: Well it works.

Me: What do you mean?

Dork: According to the computer, your badge works.

Me: How does the computer know?

Dork: It says the badge is activated and will work in all buildings.

Me: Has the computer tried using the badge?

Dork: Which way are you running the badge through the reader?

Me: The correct way.

Dork: Which way?

Me: This way. (demonstrates)

Dork: Well, that's the right way.

Me: Yes, I know.

Dork: Are you scanning it with the picture side facing you?

Me: No.

Dork: Cause you aren't suppose to do that.

Me: Yes, I know.

Dork: Well, I don't know what else to tell you. It works.

Me: But it doesn't work.

Dork: The computer says it does. It should work better when the weather is warmer.

Me: Can I get a new badge?

Dork: This looks like a new badge.

Me: It is. I got it a couple weeks ago because my other one was worn out.

Dork: Well, the badge works.

Me: (looking around) Am I on one of those hidden camera shows?

Dork: Huh?

Me: Never mind.

Dork: Let me see your badge.

Me: Here.

Dork: Let's test it on this door.

Me: Okay. (Dork runs badge through the reader.)

Dork: See! It works.

Me: That's great. I have no need to go through that door. Can you get it to work on the doors I do need to go through?

Dork: Like which doors?

Me: Like that building.

Dork: Let's go.

(We walk to my building. He runs the badge through the reader. It declines. He does it again. It declines. On the fifth try, it turns green.)

Dork: See! It works.

Me: On the fifth try.

Dork: Well...some of these things have attitude. You have to keep at it.

Me: Attitude huh?

Dork: Yeah.

Me: (sarcasm) Great advice. Thanks for your help.