If you are wearing so much fragrance that it causes the face of
someone you pass to contort, eyes to water and induces a violent allergy fit,
chances are you are wearing too much. Just like gold jewelry and
exclamation points, overuse of cologne has the opposite and often negative effect you originally
intended.

Don't talk to anyone while they are "taking care of business" in the
restroom. That's just creepy and gross. Don't say
"hi". Don't ask "howzit goin'?". Just
don't. We aren't in high school
anymore sneaking a cigarette between classes. That room has a specific
purpose. Conversation is not that purpose.

Phones and phone conversations are not permitted in the restroom. There is nothing, I
repeat, nothing so important that you have to discuss it in there while
doing that.

If you want "wash & go" hair, be sure your hairstyle supports your
choice. Consult your hairstylist. Also, it's "wash &
go", not "wet & go". Wetting a nasty dog makes the dog
no less nasty. In some cases, it makes it worse.

For Christ's sake, wash your hands! Even if you just run them under the water
for a couple seconds, it's better than nothing. There is a reason I no
longer keep a dish of unwrapped candy on my desk. You are that reason.

I can not stress enough the importance of at least going through
the motions when it comes to washing your hands. I'll still think you are filthy
and disgusting but to a lesser degree than your unclean
counterparts. It doesn't matter if you didn't "touch" anything or
not. Assume everyone who knows you went to the restroom thinks you did
"touch" something and now they know you didn't wash your hands.
Your reputation is now blemished. Don't diminish the magnitude of being labeled
"Unwashed". We Washers take mental note of you and as a result,
avoid you at all costs. Being known as Unwashed can hurt you personally and professionally.

Example: "While Phil's commitment to excellence and positive attitude set him apart
from the other candidates, his inability to cleanse himself after using the
restroom completely disgusts me, therefore I can't in good conscience recommend
him for this position. While Owen doesn't have the skill set required for
this job, he does have very clean hands, so I think he is the best
candidate."

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Permalink | File Under: Ranting

Brian: I want to spend
time with your kid. What is her schedule like this weekend? She
likes strip clubs right?

T: Yep. The
cousins are coming on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe
Friday night?

Brian: Do you know
what she wants to do?

T: Um, no. I can
ask her tonight for you

Brian: Please don't.
Then I might get stuck doing something I don't want to do.

T: That is funny.
Maybe you should call her and you guys can discuss it.

Brian: Will her mother
have the ringer on so as to accept my call? (gah!)

T: I'll do my
best!

Brian: That's
all I can ask for. What did Aurora do for you on Mother's Day?

T: She made a cute
little card with a teacup on it and a bag of tea in it, and it
said I am a "tea-riffic" mom. God bless the public education system.

Brian: Did it have
glitter? You know the amount of glitter is in equal proportion to the amount of
love your child has for you.

T: Hmmm....no
glitter. But there was a LOT of glue. She was mad at her teacher because
she wanted to draw a picture of us hugging, but the
teacher, Miss Bouchy ("Boo-Shay") told her they were drawing flowers.

Brian: What a crag.

T: She is
usually pretty cool, but I know she is obsessed with her upcoming
nuptials and move to New York.

Brian: So her personal life
is interfering in the development of
creativity? That's not so tea-riffic.

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[The phone rings.]

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Do you know who this is?"

[This is when I started to get annoyed.]

Me: "No."

Her: "Well, what does your Caller ID say?"

Me: "I don't have Caller ID."

[This is when I made a mental note to order Caller ID.]

Her: "Oh. Well, I'll give you a hint."

Me: "Why don't you just tell me who you are and save us both time?"

Her: "You don't want to guess?"

Me: "Not really."

And so began a call from someone I haven't seen or heard from in over ten years,
and quite frankly, didn't expect to. I probably wouldn't have minded even if the
call had begun on a less irritating note, but then she kept
talking. She grilled me on my job ("Well, I don't see you
doing that."), where I live ("So you don't plan on ever coming back
here?"), who my friends are ("So you moved away and made a bunch of
new friends and forgot about the ones you had here?"), etc. She said
she was surprised I didn't recognize her voice because she recognized mine when
I answered the phone. "Well, you knew who you were calling."

When she mentioned that she ran into my mother that morning and asked for my
phone number, I made another mental note to coach my mother on the proper
procedure when confronted with this situation again. "Gee. I don't
have his number on me. Why don't you give me your number and I'll
give it to him the next time I talk to him." My mom said that would
make me look like a snob when I don't call them back, to which I replied,
"Which is worse: looking like a snob for not returning their call or being
a bitch when they do call?"

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