The day I collected the check for my totaled car, I sat in my roommate's car staring at
the check. The finality of the loss of my car stirred up so many
emotions.

I felt cheated and wronged. I didn't do anything wrong, so why am I without a
car? Why am I stuck at home all the time? Why do I have to get a ride to work?

I felt like a victim. Why is this happening to me?

I felt worthless. I spent four years paying for that piece of crap car and two
months after I paid it off, I get check for less than a fourth of what I paid and now I
get to start all over again.

I felt hopeless. I had plans reduce my debt now that I had paid off my car.

I felt like a big loser, but most of all, I felt out of control. I felt like
nothing I do in my life mattered.

All of this from a minor car accident.

Sure I was grateful I wasn't injured, but I just didn't feel right. Then things
started to snowball. Little by little everything seemed to be unraveling
around me.

I hated going to work. Every day someone would ask me if I'd gotten another
car. Something I realize from this experience, similar to when my car was stolen, is
everyone wants to share their own experience and/or opinions regarding car
accidents/insurance/car shopping, etc. It was becoming too much. I told people
I was considering not getting another car and instead using the bus system (an option I
seriously weighed but then dropped when I calculated it would take over an hour for me to
get to work). People would say "Oh, I can't see you doing that."
which would of course piss me off and I would add their name to my growing mental list of
people who piss me off.

Other stuff starting getting to me too. My rent was unexpectedly raised. The
condo I was going to rent fell through. I needed support and comfort from
friends and I wasn't getting it.

Alone these things would have been ease to handle, but to happen one after another after
another...it became to much to deal with. I started to withdraw. I didn't want
to do anything but sleep. On weekends, that's all that I did. Sleeping was the
only thing that brought me any peace. I didn't want to think about buying a car or
looking for a new place to live or think about loved ones who seemingly abandoned me when
I needed them most.

I felt stressed and ready to burst. I went to see my doctor and just as I suspected,
my blood pressure was very high. He put me on medication and I joined a gym and
started exercising regularly. Both helped and the exercise gave me more energy, but
emotionally and mentally I was still exhausted. It was weird. My body wanted
to go, go, go but my mind wanted me to take a nap.

I realized I need to get my shit together again. I had one of those moments of
clarity Margaret Cho describes in I Am The One I Want. ("What kind of
fucked up Behind the Music Motley Crew bullshit is this!?")

So simultaneously I am shopping for a car, a home and a therapist. Getting off the
proverbial ass to do this, has already set me on the road to feeling better. Little by
little, I will get there.

That's why I have been so quiet for so long. Now that I'm recovering, I'm sure I
will find plenty to rant about. I imagine car shopping, moving and therapy will
provide much fodder.

So...what's new with you?