Have you ever done a search of your name on Yahoo or Google, just to see what
comes up? I have a fairly common name so when ever I do, a whole bunch of
crap comes up, mostly design firms and basketball players. Yesterday I saw
a page that said an outstanding warrant was issued to someone with my
name. The thing that caught my attention was it was in the town I grew up.

My hometown is a teeny tiny spot on the map with a population of about
10,000. It's not so small that everyone knows everyone, but pretty
close. So to see a warrant in my name issued in my hometown
sort of sent up a flag.

The warrant was for failure to pay state taxes. It was issued in
2001. I've lived in Arizona since 1997, but I was searching my mind for
what if anything this could be about. When my father died, I didn't
inherit anything, but I had to sign paperwork for the estate. Maybe this
could be about that.

I was in a slight panic because I found this tidbit after business hours.
So, I called Mommie Dearest, hoping should could look into this for me. I
call and get a busy signal. I wait 15 minutes and try again.
Busy. I wait another ten minutes. Still busy.

Now it's not uncommon for my grandmother to make marathon phone calls. She
loves talking to her children and friends and keeps them on the forever.
(The cordless phone confuses her enough so Call Waiting is out of the
question.) The weird thing about my grandmother is she never wants to talk
to me for very long. She'll say "hi", ask a couple questions
and then quickly pass the phone to my mother whether I am finished talking to
her or not.

While stuck in traffic on the way home, I am calling my mother every five
minutes. It's busy every single time. Now, instead of being on edge
about this possible warrant business, I'm also worried that something has
happened to my mother and grandmother.

Okay, that's a lie. I'm really not that worried. I'm pissed.
I'm pissed because I know the phone is off the hook and my mother with her unparalleled
keen observation, doesn't notice. A few years ago I called my mother and
the phone just rang and rang and rang. Unusual because someone is always
home. I tried to call for three more days with no answer. I start to
wonder if they went to visit relatives and didn't mention they would be out of
town. So I track down a relative and ask if they are there. They
aren't. I explain the unanswered phone calls.

"That's weird. I talked to Grandma this morning." So know
I am thinking they have Caller ID and don't want to talk to me. The
relative knew the number of their neighbor and called to ask him to check on
them. They were there. Turns out Mommie Dearest turned of the ringer
one day and forgot to turn it back on. After the neighbor left, she called
me.

"Mom. You didn't notice your phone didn't ring for five whole days?
Doesn't that seem kind of odd?"

"No. It just seemed quiet."

So you can understand me not being worried and just being pissed, right?

So on my way to work this morning, I call again. To my surprise, the phone
rings and the answering machine (an addition since the phone ringer
incident) picks up. I leave a message saying to call me as soon as
possible on my cell. 10 minutes later the phone rings.

I resist berating my mother immediately about the busy signal and explain the
warrant and ask her to call the Municipal Court when they open and look into it
and call me back.

"Well, can't I just send you an email at work?"

I take a deep breath. "Mother. I would prefer no emails about
an arrest warrant going to my work email."

"Oh. I guess that would be bad," she said, but obviously didn't
understand why because 30 minutes after I got to work I received an email
carefully omitting any words related to arrest, warrant or other legal
infractions. She says she called and the date of birth on the warrant
doesn't match mine, so it's not me. Mystery solved. Crisis averted.

As for the busy signal, apparently Grandma didn't put the cordless back on the
cradle right so it wasn't hung up. Once the battery ran down completely,
the line was freed.