A few weeks ago, I was standing by my bed, staring at a little round yellow
pill in my hand. I couldn't move. I just stared at the pill. I felt the gravity
of what I was about to do. This is significant, I thought. This is admitting
there is a problem. This little round yellow pill is a symbol. It stands for
something.

"Here we go," I said. I popped it in my mouth and washed it down with
water. I sat on my bed and just stared into space for a minute.

This was when I first truly acknowledged I have depression.

When the subject of anti-depressants first came up during therapy my gut
reaction was to say no. But instead I said, "I'll think about it."
Maybe it was clarity that comes with starting to think of things in a broader perspective
that prevented me from instantly rejecting the idea.

I went home and started researching the drugs. How they work. What they do. The
side effects. I read WebMD and Yahoo Health. I read about her
experience and his.

I discussed it with some friends. I was surprised by some of their reactions.
"You need medication? It's that bad?"

Yes. It's that bad.

After thinking about it, I realized I shouldn't be so surprised. I spent most of
my childhood seeking help and never found it. After being rejected so many
times, I eventually stopped trying to find help and kept my problems to myself.
I didn't let people see that side of me. I carried my burdens alone.

Yet I ignored those burdens. Tried to muddle through life avoiding thinking
about how empty I felt. Hollow. I was in a self-induced denial.

I couldn't overlook it any more. It was affecting every aspect of my life: work,
my friendships, home. I loathed the person I was becoming.

I asked my doctor to prescribe me something, trying to sound confident, but I'm
sure my awkwardness shone through. He looked at me for a moment. There was such
empathy in his eyes. We discussed my options. I named a few I had researched. He
gave me some samples and asked me to come back in three weeks to check my
progress.

It's been about a month now. I'm starting to feel the effects. It's weird and
hard to explain. The difference is very slight so far. It's like I've been
looking at the world through a thin layer of gauze. I could still make
it all out but everything was dull looking and a little blurry. The world now
seems clearer. More vivid. Sharper.

It's a start, but I've got a lot of work to do.

Here we go.