I
hate having my picture taken. I always have. We have these photo
badge/key card thingies at work. I keep mine in my car. A few years ago, my
car was stolen, so the next day I had to go to the security office to get a new
one. Obviously I was in a crappy mood, so when the Rent-a-Cop said, "aren't
you gonna smile?" I just glared at him and said "take the picture all
ready." For years after that I had the angriest badge in the company.

Instead of being the subject, I was always the one who took the
pictures. In college I was always happy to be my fraternity's
"Reporter/Historian". For two years I documented everything we did and
archived it all in scrapbooks. Four years in this fraternity and there was
hardly any photographic proof I was even there.

I don't think I'm very photogenic, but I think the real truth is I don't like
what I see. I remember having some film developed during lunch with a co-worker.
Before I dropped the film off, we took a few candid snapshots around the office.
Looking at the photos on the way back to work, I was in shocked how awful I looked.

"Is this how I really look?" I gasped.

"No, no!" she was quick to reply. She offered reasons (excuses).
"It's the angle the photograph was taken. The light's all wrong. That
shirt's not very flattering."

"Or maybe it's just me," I said. "This is what other
people see."

She went on to assure me it wasn't, but I didn't believe her. I've noticed I
don't really ever look at myself. Getting ready in the morning is perfunctory.
In the mirror, I look at what I have to. My face when I'm shaving. My teeth when
I brush and floss. My hair when I fix it.

The other day, I took a close look. A very close look. I didn't recognize
my face or body. I don't think I look like my photo, but I also don't think I
look like what I see in my mind's eye. The way I view myself. Maybe I'm deluding
myself.

I think I have lots to talk about in therapy next time.