Since starting this blog, I made a conscious decision to not post a lot about my job. It's not that I'm secretive or private about it. I just I don't think my job is particularly interesting and don't think you would find it that fascinating either. Plus I, like most people, completely loathe my job. It's not a career, it's merely a means to an end. It pays the bills. End of story. Anything I would have to say would likely border on constant negativity rather than comedic fodder, so I spare you from the bad vibes Dear Reader. That's how much you mean to me.

Today, I'm going to bend my rule a bit and tell you about some of my fellow employees. I work in a typical cubicle office setting (i.e., prison). For some reason there has been a lot of relocating in the office. Teams are being regrouped. Departments are moving to other buildings to make room for new hires. It's been a bustle of activity and frankly has been working my last nerve.

I should tell you that I work on a virtual team. My team is a rather large one, however we are scattered throughout the country from one coast to the other and many states in between. There are only two of us at this location and we rarely see each other face to face, therefore, none of the people in my area are people I directly work with. We are all cogs in the same giant machine, but we work in different within different gears.

Since moving to this location a couple years ago, I've had the most wonderful cubicle neighbor. She was quiet, polite, considerate and kept to herself. She was a disaffected employee's dream. We'd occasionally gossip about other people in the building and IM each other when weirdoes were around. "My god that bitch is loud!" or "Did you know what's-his-name hums while he types?."

Sadly, she moved to another section of the building a couple months ago. Since then I have been inquiring about my new neighbor hoping I could exercise a little pull (as if) to whom it would be. I didn't want a smoker (gag!) or someone who has to be on the phone constantly (too noisy). I also didn't want someone who would bug me all day. I've been with the company long enough to gain a reputation as someone to go to for answers, which sometimes is flattering but most of the time, just plain intrusive.

After weeks of prodding and prying, I found out it was between two guys: Melba Toast Man and Leather Bear. Melba Toast Man is...well, bland, white and the kind of guy who wears Dockers all the time. Sounds dull right? That is exactly the kind of person I want sitting next to me. After all, melba toast goes with everything...right?

Instead, I ended up with Bachelor Number 2, Mr. Leather Bear. Leather Bear is obnoxious, rude and in-your-face. I don't think he means to be. Being an asshole just comes naturally to him.

You may ask Dear Reader, "But Brian, how do you know he is a leather bear?" Well, other than the fact he looks the part, his truck is well represented with the logos.

Leather Bear hangs out with Blonde Mormon Virgin a lot, a kid equally if not more obnoxious, rude and in-your-face. I've known this punk since he started working here. In fact, I trained him and he has only gotten more irritating every passing year.

They are together so much I have dubbed them the New Nick & Jessica. Just like Nick & Jessica, they are seen together EVERYWHERE and also just like Nick & Jessica, they make me very, very nauseous. Blonde Mormon Virgin is obviously the Jessica of the two and much like Chicken of the Sea, I have to wonder if he even knows what a leather bear is.

Before you think you know which role Leather Bear plays, guess again. When gossiping with my favorite admin, Hot Chica, she says to me "I bet Leather Bear is the submissive one. He may be all tall and muscular but underneath it all, he's just a big girl."

See why I love her so?

On the other side of me is my least favorite admin, Perfume Lady. She has an obsessive need to reapply her cologne at least twice a day. And it is strong and smells like someone's Nana! My allergies make me hyper-sensitive to colognes and perfumes. I rarely wear any and when I do they are very light and barely noticeable.

Not her. It as if she bathes in it. Now, I know I could use my outstanding interpersonal business skills to address this with her and share my concerns for creating a comfortable work environment. But instead I addressed it this way.

"Are you trying to kill me!?" I yelled peering over the cubicle wall.

Without batting an eye she said, "Yes." She looked up and asked what did I mean. Then I went into a tic filled fit that sounded much like Professor Frink on the Simpsons.

"With the perfume and the spritzing and the constant blast of smell and the chocking in my throat and the watery eyes and I can't breathe and bhay-gn-FLAY-VN!!"

Obviously, this was not the most prudent way to deal with this situation. She continues to spray Eau de Old Woman each and every day, especially after lunch.

She's also weird and lacks borders. A couple months ago, I slept funny and my back paid the priced. For a couple days, I walked around like a little old man. She noticed, so I told her what happened and went to retreat to my cube. Later that afternoon she saw me slowly making my way down the hall. She asked if I wanted her to walk on my back. I said no thanks, and inside cringed at the thought of her walking on my back. (Does that ever help?)

Then she said...and keep in mind at this time I barely knew this lady aside from her first name. She said in a sly hushed tone, "It's all the sex you've been having."

Me on the outside: blank stare. Me on the inside: I'm thinking, "OH...MY...GOD!!! We need to set a boundary here!"

Instead I just laughed it off. "Hey, you're an admin. Do you happen to have the number for Human Resources? I think I need to give them a call." End of conversation.

Aside from the extreme case of Ick she gives me and the constant assault to my sinuses, she is otherwise harmless. A complete nut case, but a harmless one.

Time to go back to daydreaming about a life outside of The Company. Very soon Dear Readers, action will start to be taken to make it a reality. I just need to be patient. Very, very patient.