I saw Garden State last night. Overall an enjoyable flick. I do have two problems with it. One is the ending which I won't spoil for anyone here. The second has to do with a minor plot detail. If you don't want to know anything about Garden State, stop reading now.

The movie is about Zach Braff going home to New Jersey for his mother's funeral. During the movie we find out his has been on lithium and a host of
anti-depressants since he was ten years old. He mentions at one point, that he left his medication at home in LA and hasn't been taking it since.

Miraculously, Zach experiences absolutely no side effects from coming off his meds so abruptly. Oh, he mentions short headaches, but you get the feeling he's had those already on the meds. Considering he spent the last sixteen years on heavy medication, he's got it pretty easy coming off them.

Trust me. I know.

I haven't written about this yet. A few weeks ago, I started the long and somewhat painful process of going off my anti-depressant. I consciously decided not to blog about it for one simple reason: It's my business and no one else's.

I've noticed lately that The Internet? has a lot of opinions. More importantly, The Internet? isn't hesitant to share those opinions unsolicited. While I understand usually it is from a place of care and concern, sometimes it's just plain obnoxious. I find that obnoxiousness particularly annoying, especially now that my brain is on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

I decided to go ahead and blog about it because 1) it's my blog and I can blog about what I want to and 2) If The Internet? has something to say about it, I can tell The Internet? to fuck off.

I knew going off my anti-depressant was going to be strange and difficult, but it's time to go off it. I don't need it any more. However, nothing I read or was told could have truly prepared me for the way I feel.

It is very bizarre. At times I feel like someone else's brain is in my head and whomever's brain it is, is a total loon. The side effects from weaning myself off the drugs include painful stomach cramps, horrible headaches, dizziness and mood swings. I described my symptoms to a girl friend and she said "Welcome to PMS!"

Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

I also get this feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric ones. Sometimes my brain feels like it's vibrating at a very high frequency. And the mood swings...dear gawd!
Oy! The mood swings. The other day, The Roommate said something to me that normally I would have let slide right off. But this time I was like a crazy person, slamming doors, getting in my car and speeding off. I went to the grocery store and was pushing my empty cart around for like 15 minutes, feeling the world move at a different speed around me. I felt so crazy. So crazy that if they made a movie about me, Karen Black would have been playing me with wild hair, wide eyes and smeared makeup. That is how fucking crazy I felt.

But I did the one thing that has truly helped me through all of this. I talked myself down off the ledge. "This isn't real. These feelings aren't authentic. This will soon be over." Amazingly, that helps me keep my focus.

After seeing Garden State last night, I kept thinking about Zach going off his meds. While I'm feeling like my body is having an electroshock treatment, he's getting to hang out with Natalie Portman and drive a funky motorcycle. I kept thinking, "Where's Zach's diarrhea? Where's Zach's horrible mood swings? Why isn't Karen Black playing Zach in this movie?"

But I guess that wouldn't make a very entertaining movie, now would it?