Today was that episode of Oprah. You know the one. The one when she gives oodles and oodles of extravagant and often expensive gifts to an unsuspecting audience of middle-aged women who scream like little girls at a Hillary Duff concert every single time the gifts are being dispersed.

I hate this episode and this year I refuse to watch it. I've already missed the daytime viewing of it and I'll be damned if I watch tonight on the rebroadcast.

Why do I hate this episode? Jealousy of course! Where's my stuff Oprah!? I've been a faithful viewer for years. I read a bunch of your book club selections. I even bought Toni Morrison's Paradise. Okay, I couldn't get past page sixteen because I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON in the book but, Oprah, I tried. Toni's publishers got my twenty-eight dollars. Where's my iPod?

I watched all your shows when you were being sued in Texas. I remember the year you had the Paul Simon theme song. I watched you make deviled eggs with Patti LaBelle. I learned all about being "on the downlow" last year because of you. I even watched the Dr. Phil/Suze Orman episodes, which by the way I thought was a very clever of you to have other people come on and basically host your show while you just sit back and occasionally throw your two cents in. It's still your show, but let other people do your job. THAT was a stroke of GENIUS to a slacker like me.

I've never asked for anything in return from Oprah, but it just PAINS me to watch her throw ALL THAT STUFF at those crazed induced women. I mean they are in some sort of state while they are being lavished. I am convinced they pump extra oxygen in the studio or pass out some crystal meth during the warmup because those chicks are SO whacked out during the show.

But here I sit, a loyal viewer on my cable-less somewhat broken TV with the rabbit ears, dutifully watching you Oprah. Watching you pass out your Oprah love to others. I heard this year you flew in teachers from all over to surprise them. Okay, that's a great gesture and better than just some random group of people, but still I'M NOT WATCHING.

PS - Oprah, if you happen to see this, please know this is all tongue in cheek and here is my wish list. I heart you.