I'm driving home today and am so glad to be going home because I have had The White Stripes' song "Doorbell" stuck in my head all day. I mean ALL DAY. I sang it for Mary Mo, but she wasn't familiar with it. So I sung it again and again, until she told me to shut up.

I'm not certain what this song is about but assume it's a euphemism for something naughty. I hope whatever it is, it's about Jack White and not Meg. Jack White is a genius. I want an asteroid to land on top of Meg.

So, I get off the freeway and head west. Living in the Valley of the Sun during the fall equinox means that if you are heading west in the early evening, Ra is going to do his damnedest to blind you. I squint and lower my helpless visor and grit my teeth. Luckily, I don't have far to go.

In front of me is a pickup truck owned by a man with the teeniest of penises. I know this because he has his normal-sized pickup jacked up on those hydraulic lifts up really high so he can try to fool everyone into thinking he has a giant manly-sized penis, but he's fooling no one. He's just flagrantly overcompensating.

I notice there is smoke billowing from the back of his truck. I start to curse the fact that he has poor emissions and is contributing to our growing air pollution. But the smoke isn't coming from his exhaust pipe. It's coming from his tire.

Suddenly I see flames and sparks shooting from inside his tire, under his truck. Then a huge cloud of pungent black smoke starts to escape. I drive directly into it and start coughing and gagging. I wonder if his giant phallic symbol is about to explode so I change lanes so I'm not directly behind the firestorm.

Teeny Penis Man pulls over eventually and I drive off still smelling the toxic fumes of burnt rubber and Teeny Penis Man hydraulics. The smell stays with me all the way home.

It's been a couple hours and my car STILL SMELLS. And now I'm starting to wonder if my clothes absorbed the smell or worse yet...ME.

So I'm off to have a Silkwood scrub-down in my shower or soak in a tub of tomato juice and hope that I can purge my senses of the smell.