I woke up this morning convinced it was Friday. While I was showering, I realized it was only Thursday. I hate that.

On my way to work, I sometimes drive by Planned Parenthood. Lately, I've noticed there have been some protesters picketing from the sidewalk in front. This fills me with great ire. Many of them are old, worn-looking and look Phelpsish. So I take it upon myself as a good citizen to flip them the bird.

The first time I loved seeing their faces crumble from thinking I was giving them a wave of encouragement to realizing I was giving them the finger.

I've come to look forward to my brief morning salute. Only this morning, they were not there. Such disappointment.

I hate it when dumbasses let me down.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

One of the things I've always liked about Homer is he's not afraid to speak his mind. He's pretty vocal about his opinions. I also like that he's a letter writer. He writes letters a lot. I mean, like...lots.

Today, the New York Times published one of his letters AND it's at the very top of the page. How about that!

Yay Homey!

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Permalink | File Under: Friends

...aside from that whole sex with men thing. Oh, and an unfortunately body glitter incident. But other than those, it's this.

Elliott is in a social network called "Catster". Like Friendster, but for cats. Get it?

So if any feline bloggers out there wants to be his friend, he's chill with that.

Oh, and if you do join, I HIGHLY recommend immediately going to you account preferences and modifying your Feline Friend Contact Preferences. Otherwise you will have about a bazillion requests from true Cat People®. People with five, six...even NINE cats.

(Freaks.)

P.S. Let's party.

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Permalink | File Under: Elliott

Seriously...do you see where the tank is in relation to the countertop? Now, go look at your toilet and see where the tank is compared to your countertop. This is One. Squatty. Toilet.

I asked Liz if her house was a day care center before she moved in.

The kicker is her husband Eric is like 3 stories tall. The dude TOWERS over me, and I'm pretty tall.

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Permalink | File Under: Photos

At work, we are having this weight loss challenge. We each put in 20 bucks. Every Wednesday, will have our weigh in and record how much we've lost. The two people with the highest percentage of loss will win the pot.

I've had a slow start getting into this competition, but last night I finally took my fat ass into the gym at work. All of the cardio equipment has a little television in front of them. At first when I saw this I was a little appalled. I don't watch too much television. But now I'm loving it! Thirty minutes on the treadmill went by so quickly while watching VH1's 100 Child Stars.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

A couple month's ago at Dyanna's mom's birthday, we watched Beauty Shop. While not a great movie, it was funny enough. So much that I rented it for Julie and Jason to watch. Okay, I wanted to watch it a few more times too.

Some of my favorite parts are with Alfre Woodard who plays the Afro-centric , civil rights sage, Ms. Josephine. In the movie, Ms. Josephine spontaneously bursts into wide-eyed recitations of Maya Angelou poetry. Since then, I've known to spout off Maya Angelou poetry in instant messages to Adam...you know...just for kicks. He probably just closes the chat window and tries to put it out of his mind.

This afternoon, I was tell Adam how phenomenal my tuna salad sandwich was. It may seem a tad exaggerating to describe a tuna salad sandwich as phenomenal but let me tell you...this tuna salad sandwich was The Shit®.

It turns out the secret in the Crunchy Tuna Salad is green apple.

That's just crazy - huh? But sooooo delicious.

So it called for a Maya Angelou-esque poem.

does my tuna salad offend you?
with its crunchy apple surprise?
it makes me dance in the garden
holding a watermelon between my thighs

I think Adam laughed so hard, he may have peed a little.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

In honor of Matt Lauer's interview with Britney Spears, we had a very special dinner last night. Taking a cue from that gum-smacking mommy, the theme was decidedly white trash. The menu consisted of pigs-in-a-blanket, tater tots and for desert: cookies and creme flavored Pop Tarts. A feast fit for the king of the trailer park. Of course, now I feel sick. I may be from the land of rednecks, but my stomach sure ain't.

Can someone tell me what was up with her right fake eyelash? It looked like it was coming off and I was totally hypnotized by it thinking, "Why doesn't someone fix that?"

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Permalink | File Under: Cooking

Lately it's been a chore to not want to lash out at people, bite off their heads and get to the creamy center. Driving to work, I pass about a hundred opportunities to ram my car into some asshole off in his own world oblivious to the task at hand. At the grocery store, I want to take my cart and run over the toes of rude people copping attitudes just for the sake of being bitchy.

It's a chore just pretending to be nice some times.

Maybe it's the climbing temperatures. As it reaches triple digits, my tolerance for mankind goes way down. During the summer, all I want to do is sprawl out under the ceiling fan and hug a bag of ice. Perhaps that's what it is.

Perhaps not.

Methinks...no, meknows, it is all internal. The bitch within. My snatchity attitude is a direct result of me. I could look for rainbows and moonbeams, but instead I choose to ride around on that broomstick shoved up my ass and cackle at the misfortunes of others while spewing bile and venom on the annoying meat sack I encounter daily.

Okay, I'm exaggerating a wee bit. I ride around on a Dyson, not a broomstick.

(Note to Self: Blogging on an empty stomach...not a good idea. Need breakfast now.)

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Permalink | File Under: Ranting

Crap! I have to report for jury duty this morning.

I get called all the freakin' time. Kristin has lived here her whole life, been registered to vote since she was eighteen and has NEVER been summoned.

What the H?

I think I've been summoned five times in the last 8 years. Never had to serve. Only had to report once...er...well twice now.

UPDATE: After two plus hours sitting in the jury waiting room, the judge came down to tell us that a plea agreement had been reached and we could leave. Since this is for the district court, my service is not over. I still have to call until the month is over to see if I'm needed. Fun-fun!

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life

There were tons of new people at roller derby on Saturday. The vibe was a little weird at the beginning. Could be since all the newbies didn't quite know what to make of it. Also, the band packed up and left when the game started. (What the H?)

There is a slideshow today on azcentral.com from Saturday’s bout. In one of the pictures you can see Kacy's head and my body. (That would be an odd looking FrankenBrian.)

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Photos, Roller Derby

When I was growing up, Showtime showed two movies nonstop: Smokey and the Bandit and Mommie Dearest. Cable television being the best babysitter, I must have seen each about a gazillion times. I think I had every line memorized for both. Plus, I had the benefit of having a paperback of Mommie Dearest, that I read and reread over the course of a summer another gazillion times. (A freshman in high school reads Mommie Dearest a gazillion times and everyone's surprised when he comes out? What the H?) I didn't know then what "camp" was, but clearly I was drawn to its absurdity.

Now that I think about it, there was a boy in my school who was equally engrossed by Mommie Dearest and loved quoting lines from the movie. Wanna bet me a dollar he's a big ol' Mo too.

Any who...enjoy the fun.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Movies

Brian: what's mayor mccheese's first name?
Brian: wesley?
Adam: Mayor
Adam: :D
Brian: auggie
Brian: auggie mccheese
Adam: no way
Brian: :-)
Adam: ewe
Brian: i made that up
Brian: john
Brian: john sameul mccheese
Adam: lol
Adam: Gabriel McCheese
Brian: i like that
Brian: gabriel and magdelena mccheese
Adam: mmm, Maggie McCheese
Brian: actually she uses a hyphenate: maggie alveredo-mccheese
Adam: that's sick :D
Brian: LOL
Brian: maybe mccheese looks sort of german. gustav mccheese
Adam: true, he does
Adam: Adolf McCheese
Brian: hans mccheese
Brian: rolf mccheese (not roll on the floor laughing mind you)
Adam: roll on laughing floor mcccheese
Adam: he's native american
Brian: dances with nuggets
Adam: ha!

Anyone else wanna weigh in on the debate?

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Chats

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

grey — Ani DiFranco

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Music, Photos

Today is the devil's day according to many wing-nuts. Some of them fear something beastly will happen today.

They are correct. Something horrible is happening today. Something so evil and repulsive.

Julia Styles has a movie coming out today.

*shudder*

That's enough to make me hide under the covers.

Have we not suffered enough? Down to You. Save the Last Dance. Mona Lisa Smile.

Hollywood truly IS evil it would seem.

That would certainly explain Colin Farrell and Penelope Cruz as well.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Thinking

So today President Bush is going to back a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

Um...

Didn't we just find out about the atrocities of our own troops murdering civilians in Haditha?

Haven't there been almost 2,500 military casualties in Iraq since the war began?

Isn't our own government essentially spying on us by collecting information about our phone calls?

And yet we need protection from gay marriage? Because....?

*blank stare*

Permalink | File Under: Ranting

1. I hate malls
2. I hate teenagers
3. An Orange Julius is a tasty treat
4. Spigot is a funny word.
5. There is nothing I need at the mall

Permalink | File Under: Thinking

And by masses I mean the three or four of you who still read this blog.

Here’s my question:

Male Starbucks Employee: Barista or Baristo?

For some reason, baristo sounds wrong. Yet, I can’t help but think calling a man a barista is some how feminizing.

That hottie barista gave me a free scone with my order.

It just doesn’t sound right.

Your thoughts?

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Thinking