My head has been swimming in murky waters a bit tonight. After work I called my friend Shane to ask about a friend of ours. I had already read her obituary online, but wanted to hear it from someone I knew.

I haven't seen her in years. When my friendship with D ended, by extention my friendships with others from that circle suffered. It was just too awkward and painful at the time to be around anyone in that group so I stayed away. Months passed. Then years. Now, it's been almost four. From that group I've only kept in touch with two — Shane and Autumn, who's still in Japan — and my correspondence with them is sparse at best.

Shane gave me the back story of what happen. Filled in some of the blanks. Answered some questions. Then he said, "That's been two within the last year."

I paused for a moment and felt my heart sink. "Two?" I asked with my voice cracking. Then he told me about another friend who committed suicide.

I really am out of the loop.

I wasn't particularly close with either — four years of absence obviously proves that — but I'm sad for the losses nonetheless.

A couple weeks ago, before I knew about any of this, I was leafing through a box of old photos. Among all the photos of various birthdays and other celebrations were pictures of her and him. Bright beaming smiles. Young faces.

There are happy memories there. I'm glad I have them.