My friend Amy emailed me to tell me in late March she is having a colonoscopy and an additional procedure she calls "gastrosomethingology."
I see how this goes. Brian has a colonoscopy and now it's the cool thing to do.
You know people, it's one thing to copy me, but to try to one-up me...geesh. How sad.
Sometimes Homer can be so incredibly selfish. Case in point, I called him last night as said, "Come have pizza with me." He reminded me he's on his No Snacks, No Shame diet. And, oh yeah, he lives an hour and forty-five minutes away from me.
Uh...whatever dude.
Gah. See what I mean. Selfish!
So instead of having yummy pizza with Homer, I had hummus and pop tarts for dinner.
Not together of course. Because that would be gross.
Have you met CB?
He's in a tragic shame spiral that involves watching televised wrestling and Nascar.
I'm calling on all bloggers to help intervene before it's too late and this is what we are left with.
Please, help CB help himself before pork rinds and Jeff Foxworthy tickets are the norm.
And the winner is Lil' Soap! This shirt has been a big hit. I've gotten several compliments on it when I wear it out.
I've become a real t-shirt and jeans guy over the last few months. I've always worked in casual work environments, but lately I've been rockin' the zip up sweater/t-shirt combo quite a lot. I suppose I have to enjoy the cooler weather while I have it. Before I know it, Mighty Ra® will be beatin' down on my fare city with his cancerous rays of 100 plus degree heat.
Speaking of Mighty Ra®, this August I will have been a resident of The Valley of The Sun for ten years. Sometimes it seems like yesterday when I rolled into town, sight unseen, in my big ass Grand Marquis with the driver-side window that didn't roll down and no air-conditioning. (What. Was. I. Thinking?) Other times, it feels like I've been here forever.
I've been having a bit of wanderlust lately. Although I enjoy my life here in the desert and have made a ton of great friends, sometimes it just doesn't feel like home. Honestly, I'm not really sure what home is suppose to feel like. I guess it's one of those, I'll know it when I see it kind of things.
So you tell me, what does home feel like to you? Are you living there now, or is there some place you'd rather be?
My colonoscopy went very well yesterday. The doctor said everything looks good and he found no polyps to remove, however he did find a whimsical garden gnome somewhere around my sigmold colon. He must have gotten lost on his way to the pyramids. Silly gnome.
Thank you all for your calls, emails, instant messages and comments. I appreciate all the good vibes and laughs. My ass has never felt so much love before.
I really wasn't too concerned about this procedure. That is, until I went to my doctor's website and saw this. (View at your own risk.)
Yeah seriously, does anyone other than a gasterointerologist NEED to see that?
Then one night I dreamt that I woke up in the hospital after my colonoscopy only to discover a huge bandage on my stomach where the doctors performed surgery. My stomach was tender and hurt a lot. I was pretty groggy yet managed to get on my feet and get out of bed.
And that's when the 6 foot long colostomy bag rolled out from under my hospital gown and hit the floor.
I started wandering around the hospital, dragging the bag and it was pulling at my bandage and hurt a lot.
I kept asking for help and no one would. The colostomy bag was filling with fluid and was heavier to drag and causing me a lot of pain, so I sat down to rest.
And that's when I saw Oprah and Gayle. I asked them if they could help me but they just ignored me and started talking about me like I wasn't there. Once again, Oprah fails me.
Sometime after that, I woke up. No bandage. No 6 foot long colostomy bag. (EEK! Can you imagine?)
So any who...enjoy your Valentine's Day. And if you find your butt all greased up, hope it's for a better reason than mine.
Today, I can not eat anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. In preparation for my colonoscopy tomorrow, I'm on a "clear liquid diet" which means I can drink lots of water, apple juice and white grape juice, etc. Then in the late afternoon, the real fun begins. That's when I get to start taking the phospho soda. I've have this once before, and let me tell you: it is nasty. Truly vile no matter what you take it with.
Sounds like total fun! Join me on this strange and magical journey.
5:00 AM - Wake up. Realize I can't eat breakfast, so what's the point of getting up. Go back to sleep.
5:30 AM - Dreaming I am hanging out with the cast of Grey's Anatomy, a show I have never seen. Realize that while hanging out with Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight, I am eating graham crackers. Feeling guilty, yet still eating those delicious graham crackers.
6:00 AM - Wake up relieved that I haven't blown it already, but then it hits me that the day is JUST STARTING and subconsciously, I've already fucked up.
6:45 AM - Enjoying (and I just that term extremely loosely) a breakfast of 8 ounces of white cranberry juice.
6:50 AM - Apparently my body has other ideas about how this day should go and starts the cleansing part early. Spend the next twenty minutes in the bathroom.
7:50 AM - Picking up an iced tea from AJ's. NOT looking at the display of tasty muffins.
7:55 AM - Flipping off a lady in a black fancy car for not properly stopping while I'm making a turn. Hoping she doesn't work at the station.
8:30 AM - Making sure there are no tempting graham crackers anywhere near my desk.
8:35 AM - Seeing a card on my desk that Dyanna sent me. She addressed it to "Cupcake." Now I'm thinking about cupcakes. GAH!
8:55 AM - The first of which I'm sure will be many visits to the bathroom to pee.
9:00 AM - Okay, now I'm starting to feel hungry. I need something to distract me. Some work perhaps?
9:05 AM - Work's boring. Let's walk to Starbucks.
10:30 AM - Not so hungry any more. Oh wait, now I am. Damnit.
11:00 AM - If peeing were an Olympic sport, I'd be a silver. (Saying I'd be a gold seems too easy of a joke.)
11:38 AM - I can smell someone's lunch. This is going to be a Very. Long. Day.
12:22 PM - iPod will drown out the sound of my stomach growling.
1:15 PM - Pre admission phone call with the GI nurse during which she mentioned that after taking the phospho soda cocktail and subsequent non-stop pooping, that some patients feel "raw" down there and to feel free to apply some vaseline to the area. Nice. Thanks lady for helping me lose my appetite.
2:11 PM - Chicken broth. Ew.
2:18 PM - Putting on pants with an elastic waist. You know, to make it easier.
2:30 PM - Just took my first dose. Let the countdown begin!
2:50 PM - Nothing so far.
3:07 PM - WTF? I thought this stuff was suppose to work in like twenty minutes.
3:08 PM - Oh CRAP!
3:18 PM - Well that was unpleasant.
5:36 PM - The phospho soda: VERY effective.
6:30 PM - Dose #2. Things are about to get very interesting.
7:34 PM - When I go #2, it sounds like I'm going #1.
10:40 PM - So tired. So hungry. So going to bed, once I stop going.
It's time for another vote! I ordered a couple more t-shirts from Threadless.
Vote for your favorite and I'll post a picture of me wearing the winner.
I have a date for Valentine's Day with a handsome blonde doctor. Yes, my colonoscopy is scheduled for Valentine's Day. So at least I'll see a little action this year. Sadly, I won't get dinner first or even remember any of it. It's junior prom all over again.
I was thinking I should leave my gastroenterologist lover a message written on my ass for the procedure. A haiku perhaps.
remember doctor
be sure to use lots of lube
and please be gentle
Feel free to leave your own haiku in the comments.
Coworker: Why do you have four little pigs on your desk?
Me: Because one is in my pocket.
Duh.
