Today, I can not eat anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. In preparation for my colonoscopy tomorrow, I'm on a "clear liquid diet" which means I can drink lots of water, apple juice and white grape juice, etc. Then in the late afternoon, the real fun begins. That's when I get to start taking the phospho soda. I've have this once before, and let me tell you: it is nasty. Truly vile no matter what you take it with.

Sounds like total fun! Join me on this strange and magical journey.

5:00 AM - Wake up. Realize I can't eat breakfast, so what's the point of getting up. Go back to sleep.

5:30 AM - Dreaming I am hanging out with the cast of Grey's Anatomy, a show I have never seen. Realize that while hanging out with Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight, I am eating graham crackers. Feeling guilty, yet still eating those delicious graham crackers.

6:00 AM - Wake up relieved that I haven't blown it already, but then it hits me that the day is JUST STARTING and subconsciously, I've already fucked up.

6:45 AM - Enjoying (and I just that term extremely loosely) a breakfast of 8 ounces of white cranberry juice.

6:50 AM - Apparently my body has other ideas about how this day should go and starts the cleansing part early. Spend the next twenty minutes in the bathroom.

7:50 AM - Picking up an iced tea from AJ's. NOT looking at the display of tasty muffins.

7:55 AM - Flipping off a lady in a black fancy car for not properly stopping while I'm making a turn. Hoping she doesn't work at the station.

8:30 AM - Making sure there are no tempting graham crackers anywhere near my desk.

8:35 AM - Seeing a card on my desk that Dyanna sent me. She addressed it to "Cupcake." Now I'm thinking about cupcakes. GAH!

8:55 AM - The first of which I'm sure will be many visits to the bathroom to pee.

9:00 AM - Okay, now I'm starting to feel hungry. I need something to distract me. Some work perhaps?

9:05 AM - Work's boring. Let's walk to Starbucks.

10:30 AM - Not so hungry any more. Oh wait, now I am. Damnit.

11:00 AM - If peeing were an Olympic sport, I'd be a silver. (Saying I'd be a gold seems too easy of a joke.)

11:38 AM - I can smell someone's lunch. This is going to be a Very. Long. Day.

12:22 PM - iPod will drown out the sound of my stomach growling.

1:15 PM - Pre admission phone call with the GI nurse during which she mentioned that after taking the phospho soda cocktail and subsequent non-stop pooping, that some patients feel "raw" down there and to feel free to apply some vaseline to the area. Nice. Thanks lady for helping me lose my appetite.

2:11 PM - Chicken broth. Ew.

2:18 PM - Putting on pants with an elastic waist. You know, to make it easier.

2:30 PM - Just took my first dose. Let the countdown begin!

2:50 PM - Nothing so far.

3:07 PM - WTF? I thought this stuff was suppose to work in like twenty minutes.

3:08 PM - Oh CRAP!

3:18 PM - Well that was unpleasant.

5:36 PM - The phospho soda: VERY effective.

6:30 PM - Dose #2. Things are about to get very interesting.

7:34 PM - When I go #2, it sounds like I'm going #1.

10:40 PM - So tired. So hungry. So going to bed, once I stop going.