+Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Exactly where you left him.

+What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time for a new fence.

+How do you make a sausage-roll?

Take it to the top of a hill and give it a push.

+What's black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.

+What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A wooly jumper.

+What's the difference betwwen a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie the other prowls on the hairy.

Okay so they are all riddles and they all suck, but I hope it helps, but wait, how about some bar jokes?

+A polar bear walks intoa bar and says to the barman "I'll have a scotch... ... ... ... On the rocks"

The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear holds up his hands and says "I was born that way!"

+ A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a while it gets the better of the barman who asks "Why the long face?"

and finally,
+ Two men walk into a bar... You think at least one of them would have seen it!

*Boom, tish*

Thank you, thank you I'll be here all night.

How do you make a Mormon Bishop scream twice?

Fuck him up the ass and afterwards tell him you are Jesus.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c...

Moo!

I know. It's bad. I spend my entire life with six and nine-year-olds.

okay...

"What's the difference between half a duck?"

...

...

one of it's legs are the same!

LOL!

A young man is from a rather hillbilly family, and had joined the Army. He comes home one day on leave. Arriving at the house, he runs out back. "Pa! Pa! I'm home from the Army!"

"So ya are, son, so ya are." The father looks the son over, head to toe. "Tell me, son, what they teach ya ta do in tha Army?"

The son thought a moment, and replied, "Weeelllll...they taught me how to shoot a gun....drive a tank....and throw a grenade!"

The father scratches his head for a moment and said, "Son, what the hell is a grenade?"

The son pulls one out of his backpack and displays it for his father. "This heah's a grenade. Ya pull the pin, and ya throw it!"

He demonstrated this, and the grenade landed by the outhouse. With a big KA-BOOM the outhouse blew up. The father looked at the son. "Ya shouldn'ta done that, son. Yer Grandad was in there, takin' a shit."

From what was left of the outhouse, the grandfather stands up. "That's the last time I fart and light my pipe at the same time!"

Tom is on the operating table, and during his surgery, he has a few moments to go to Heaven and look around.

He comes to a huge wall, full of nothing but clocks. But these clocks were really weird - they were all different, operating at different speeds, and they had no hour hands - just minute hands. Tom flags down a passing angel.

"Excuse me, but can you tell me what these clocks are for?"

The angel laughs. "Oh, those aren't clocks. Those are meters - we use them to keep track of how often people masturbate on Earth!"

Tom looked closer, and sure enough underneath each meter was a small brass nameplate inscribed with a name. For the next few minutes he has a great time looking up all the people he knew.

Finally, it was time to go back to Earth. Tom turns to the angel.

"I don't see my friend Jim's meter here..."

The angel thought for a moment. "Jim..Jim...oh, yes! Jim! We put his meter in the office, and we use it as a fan!"
==============================
Q: What do women's breasts and toy train sets have in common?

A: They're both intended for children, but it's the fathers who play with them.
==============================
An American tourist guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of these women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get ANYWHERE with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they WANT?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the French guy. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got the swimsuit, and I STILL haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what to do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very queekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says. "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach. And still nothing!" What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle bit. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of the sweeming suit?"
==============================
A big, burly, six-foot man has a very tiny head, about the size of an orange. He goes into a bar and everyone in the place is staring at him as he asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender gives the man the drink and, unable to resist, says to the man, "I'm sorry, but I really have to ask. You're such a big guy and you have such a small head. What happened?"

"Well," squeaks the man, "I was walking along the beach one day when I saw this lamp half buried in the sand. I picked it up, rubbed it, and this beautiful genie appeared. She said, "You can have anything you want." I said, "Okay, let's screw." "But," she said, "genies don't screw." So I said, "All right, then how about a little head?""
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That's it for me - I've got more, but if you aren't in a better mood after all THAT...well.

Little late, but I *always* share this joke:

What's red and smells like blue paint?

...

...

...

red paint!