Ricker and I were discussing some possible career options for him to explore.
Me: Go-go dancing?
Ricker: Not so much. No rhythm.
Ricker: Also, I think Plus One might have something to say about that.
Me: Do you know any ping pong ball expelling tricks?
Me: Just thinking outside of the box.
Ricker: I think you should get back in the box, now.
Okay, let's get one thing straight. Someone is exaggerating just a wee bit the length of the security code for leaving comments on this blog. No big surprise there. Must be all the Britney Spears he listens too. Although that's forgivable. At least it's not Kylie. *spits*
Is it wrong that Daniel and I are hot for HotForWords?
And yes, we really do IM like fourth graders. Srsly.
Julie, Jason and I are watching the local news; the sports report if you can believe that. One of the coaches for the Cardinals was fired after being busted for trying to pick up a hooker.
"You know what I don't get," Julie says. "This guy probably could have a lot of women. Why does he have to go out and pay for it?"
"I know. Remember when Hugh Grant got busted with that hooker? And she wasn't even hot," I say.
"Why do guys do that?" Julie directs to us.
I turn to Jason and ask, "Yeah Jason. Why do guys pay for sex?"
Jason says, "You're a guy too. Why are you asking me?"
"Well, I've never paid for sex."
Julie jumps to his defense. "Neither has he!"
"Oh, he pays," I say. "It may not be monetary, but trust me. He pays."
Jason: You don't want to use the Caribbean Jerk hot sauce you gave us for Christmas?
Me: No. That was a gift for you and Julie.
Jason. Oh, okay.
Me: And besides, I peed in it.
First, familiarize yourself with this. Go on. It won't take too long. I'll wait.
Done? Here we go.
me: btw...we are all concerned about your cervix...not just your fabulous floridan gay-bf
kacy: LMAO
kacy: that's.... touching
me: we have a message board.
kacy: LMFAO
me: forums.kacyscervix.com
kacy: ROFL
kacy: I love you.
kacy: LOL
me: i love cervix
kacy: um.... ooookay
me: /looks up cervix to make sure what he's talking about
kacy: LMFAO
me: MY EYES! wikipedia has pictures!
me: /cry
kacy: NOO
kacy: that's WRONG
kacy: /running to wikipedia
me: something called mucus plug
kacy: OMFG
me: please tell me you don't have that
kacy: christ, not that I know of!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kacy: OMG
me: i bet your fabulous floridan gay-bf wouldn't be so concerned if he knew about the mucus plug
me: wow...there's a lot of stuff in there...
me: glad i'm gay
me: and a guy
kacy: I wish I was a gay guy
kacy: See? Girls are naaaaaasty
me: totally...we were all right at age 5...cooties
kacy: and mucus...
Brian: what's mayor mccheese's first name?
Brian: wesley?
Adam: Mayor
Adam: :D
Brian: auggie
Brian: auggie mccheese
Adam: no way
Brian: :-)
Adam: ewe
Brian: i made that up
Brian: john
Brian: john sameul mccheese
Adam: lol
Adam: Gabriel McCheese
Brian: i like that
Brian: gabriel and magdelena mccheese
Adam: mmm, Maggie McCheese
Brian: actually she uses a hyphenate: maggie alveredo-mccheese
Adam: that's sick :D
Brian: LOL
Brian: maybe mccheese looks sort of german. gustav mccheese
Adam: true, he does
Adam: Adolf McCheese
Brian: hans mccheese
Brian: rolf mccheese (not roll on the floor laughing mind you)
Adam: roll on laughing floor mcccheese
Adam: he's native american
Brian: dances with nuggets
Adam: ha!
Anyone else wanna weigh in on the debate?
Me: my fortune cookie says "you will inherit a large sum of money"
Kristin: ROFL
Me: what?
Kristin: ...in bed!!! LOL!!
Me: LMAO
Me: OMG! i totally didn't think of that.
During my lunch break, I called my friend Kristin to ask her a question. She sounds like total crap.
Later, I had this to say.
For my birthday, my bestest gal pal at work, Mary Mo, gave me Gay Haiku by Joel Derfner (the Author formerly known as Faustus, MD) because for the last few Tuesdays, inspired by Crash, I have declared Tuesdays to be Haikuesdays.
It's been a real hit. So much so that Adam and I communicated only in haikus one afternoon on instant messenger.
Brian: you know what today is?
Adam: tuesday?
Brian: no! haikuesday!
Adam: that news brings me joy
my memory is not good
but now I rejoice
Brian: i saw my doctor
he said i gained weight again
damn chester cheetah!
Adam: adam knows what's best
eating cheetohs makes one fat
must resist their draw
Brian: adam knows nothing
he said cheetos give ass sores
no sores, just big thighs
Adam: I'm drinking ginger
the spicy sweetness bubbles
yummy for my tum
Brian: i watch my clock close
less than one hour to go
tick tock hurry up
Adam: my house reeks of shit
I tried using some incense
but it is too strong
Brian: i blame your tall weeds
they grow quite high and fester
bugs will visit soon
Adam: I need some yard men
they will incarcerate me
I'm too cute for jail
Brian: i will stage a break
and free you from your prison
on the lamb we go
Adam: hire them for me?
I will pay for all the costs
you go do it now
Brian: i have a job dork
although i may get fired
because of I.M.
Adam: do it when you leave
there is not a great hurry
save me, save me now!
Brian: you must face the facts
you live in a big boy house
please don't say F.U.
Adam: I pay my mortgage
I keep the inside cleaned up
you just hire some men
Brian: with what money fool?
i make peanuts at my job
i clip coupons yo!
Adam: I said I will pay
have them send the bill to me
you just schedule it
Brian: i know a lesbian
she is crazy but mows lawns
with her ancient dog
Adam: that doesn't sound good
it will take a lot of work
I will find someone
So, I'm running late to my birthday dinner because we had a power outage in my neighborhood and it caused all sorts of problems with the house alarm. On my way to dinner, I phone Deek to see if he lost power too.
"I don't know. I'm in Mesa right now at work. Call Matt and see."
After finishing my call with Deek, I scroll through my phone to Matt and press the send button. After a few rings he answers.
"Hello."
"Hey. Do you have power?"
"Um...yeah, I've got power," he said cautiously.
"Weird. My power's out."
"No. We have power." I could tell he didn't recognize my voice.
"It's Brian." I wait for recognition. I don't get it. "Deek's friend."
"Who?"
I tell him my full name. I look at the display on my phone and realize I'm not calling a local number, but remember Matt was using his previous number before getting a local plan.
"Am I calling your old number?" I ask confused, because I swore I programmed the new number when he got it.
"No," he said with hesitation. "I don't have a new number."
Okay, I think. Something's amiss here.
"Who are you calling?" he asked.
"Matt. Deek's friend. The one he lives with." I asked trying to figure out what's off here. Is Matt fucking with my head? I didn't dial this number, so it must be him...right?
"I don't know Deek or live with him."
"Oh." Well fuck. Now I'm more confused than before.
"How did you get my number?"
"I don't know. I thought you gave it to me. I'm sorry for bothering you. I must have the wrong number."
"No problem." And we hang up.
Now color me confused. I'm trying to put it all together in my mind and nothing makes sense. So I scroll through my numbers and I find two Matts. My Matt — the one in my neighborhood — is the second number.
"Who is this other guy?" I wonder. I mean it's not that uncommon for numbers of anonymous men to be in my cell phone, but this was ridiculous. Then it hits me.
"Holy shit! It's MAK!"
Last Labor Day, I was to visit my friends in New York and MAK gave me his phone number for when I got there. I programmed it in my phone and it has sat there ever since. Both Matts have similar last names and I used the first one I found.
I phoned back to explain, however my call went to voicemail and I left what was probably an equally crazy message. Who can blame him for not answering? One insanity call per night is more than enough.
Sorry MAK! Hope all is well. :-)
Me: why aren't you at the 50 cent concert?
Kacy: ROFL
Kacy: why aren't you there?
Me: restraining order :-(
Kacy: LOL
Kacy: OMG you make me laugh
Me: yay! i did something good today!
Kacy: Yay!
Let me begin by saying this. Yes. Yes, I know. I know I am about a thousand years behind the rest of you. You with your cable or satellite television. You with your Sunday night rituals. You who are no doubt still in mourning over its departure. I am well aware this post is about three years late. I hang my head in shame. I am a bad homo and a worse television watcher. Please forgive me.
I am just now getting around to seeing Sex and the City. Last month a co-worker started loaning me her DVDs. The last several weekends have been spent watching back-to-back episodes. It has been a total waste of my weekend hours, but ever so satisfying and addictive. I am almost finished with Season Three at this point.
Adam has been doing the same thing with his Netflix queue. He's a few seasons ahead of me. Due to this overexposure he began having dreams about the show, mostly of a sexual nature involving Sarah Jessica Parker. This week, I had my first SATC dream, however mine aren't raunchy. Mine are just fucked up. So there they were, all four actresses, on a soundstage some where in Hollywood, California with Richard Karn.
That's right kids. I dreamt the women of Sex and the City were contestants on Family Feud.
WHAT is wrong with me?
They all looked Patricia Field-styled fabulous. Each took their turn facing off the other contestants to decide if they would pass or play that round. Each round was played efficiently. My favorite part was when it was Cynthia Nixon's turn. She walked up in a stunning red dress with big ass purse to match. Once she arrived at the podium, she reached inside her purse and pulled out her Emmy for Best Supporting Actress and proceeded to polish it, beaming with a proud smile.
You may be asking at this point, "But Brian...Family Feud consists of teams of five. Who was the fifth teammate?" Get ready for this one. It's a curveball.
Fran Lebowitz.
That's right. Sardonic writer slash humorist Fran Lebowitz was the fifth team player for Team Sex and the City. They stood tall in their brightly-colored couture fashions while Fran looked ashen, gray and slumped over in baggy jeans and an old, frayed cardigan. I think I remember her smoking too.
The next morning, I'm telling Adam about my dream.
BRIAN: I wonder why Fran Lebowitz was there.
ADAM: Have you considered she may be your animal spirit guide? She seems to come up a lot.
BRIAN: She does? When has she come up before?
ADAM: I can't remember specifically but you're the only person who's ever mentioned her, so it stands out.
BRIAN: Maybe I'm the only person who's ever mentioned her because I have an arsenal of obscure pop culture references at my disposal.
ADAM: Yep. Or because she's your animal spirit guide. I like that idea better.
Why can't Helena Bonham Carter be my animal spirit guide? Damnit. I never dream about her.
Me: i am so tapped out blog-wise
Me: i have nothing to say
Homer: When I am topic-less I write about my cats
Actually I think it will be more fun taking a part of my chat with Homer out of context for your reading pleasure.
Me: you can't piss on your own hand?
Homer: i'm pee shy
Discuss. Enjoy.
ME: hey MAK. how are you?
MAK: hey brian. doing fine, how about yourself?
ME: i'm doing well.
MAK: what's new and exciting?
ME: oh lord, not enough. it's been very same old, same old here.
ME: although i am going to get new bedroom furniture soon so i'm excited about that
MAK: yay!
ME: now if i can just figure out where the spinning wheel will go...
MAK: next to the sling.
ME: that's where the poppers cabinet is
MAK: oh you ca
n wear those in a utility belt.
ME: good idea!
MAK: easy access
ME: very true
ME: i'm glad we talked. this was helpful.
MAK: always happy to help.
Things have just felt off lately. I can't quiet put my finger on it, but I'm also not that worried about it either. It will work itself out. Usually does.
I notice other bloggers are posting less or questioning going on. Must be something in the water.
I have a mental list of things to do and every day I go through it and decide what, if any of it, I'm going to attempt to accomplish that day. Some of them concern this blog. Time will tell if I actually get around to doing them.
But for now, I leave you with this. On my way home, I called my friend Deek. He was at some dinner and was thankful to receive a call he could use as an excuse to leave. Later, via instant messaging, we had this exchange.
Oh...I should mention he teaches English and Drama.
DEEK: that dinner was a nightmare.
ME: nightmare on elm street?
DEEK: took forever.
DEEK: two little girls
DEEK: four elderly people
DEEK: one paraplegic alcoholic
ME: sounds like Ibsen
DEEK: at least in Ibsen people die
You should know four things before reading the following IM chat:
Brian: i don't wanna go to work
Adam: me neither
Adam: and I won't!
Adam: muahaha!
Adam: not for 7 more days!
Brian: yea for you. boo for me.
Adam: aww.
Brian: but i only have to work 3 days
Brian: of course i'm having SURGERY after that. :-(
Adam: :(
Brian: if i don't make it...know i love you. :-(
Brian: and you can have the crab dip back to remember our friendship
Adam: LOL
Adam: oh hell no.
Adam: that shit's going in your coffin.
Brian: great
Brian: i'm being cremated. i don't want to be all dolled up for all to see
Adam: that's okay
Adam: we'll marinade you in it first
Adam: the flava will cook right in.
Brian: mmm...dead brian now in crab flavor
Brian: the cat will really like that
Adam: can I make you up like betty butterfield?
Brian: no, but you can make me up like mrs. butterworth
Adam: ewe
Adam: workin at the carwash
Adam: whoaoaoaoaoa
Brian: my funeral is just going to be a big pancake breakfast
Brian: held at the biz
Adam: LOL
Adam: creepy.
Adam: can we do karaoke too?
Brian: sure!
Brian: only if you sing abba
Adam: sos?
Brian: waterloo
Adam: argh
Adam: okay.
Adam: my my
Adam: at waterloo napoleon did surrender
Adam: oh yeah!
Adam: and I have met my destiny in quite a similar way
Adam: waterloo! I was defeated along the wall
Brian: see...you already know the words
Brian: and you can use your fanta girl wig
Adam: LOL
Adam: :D
Brian: everyone has to dress in drag at my pancake funeral...i mentioned that, right?
Brian: and we should have chris isaak there to "perform" if you know what i mean.
Adam: holy cripes.
Adam: why do we have to wait for you to die to have this party again?
Brian: i hope you aren't suggesting having me killed
Adam: lol!
ME: Hey. I need to have a word with you.
DICK: Who me?
ME: Yes you.
DICK: Oh. Okay. Let me just finish what I'm doing.
ME: No no no no no. This can't wait. I need to talk to you now.
DICK: Gah. What's your damage Heather?
ME: You are my damage Heather. We need to get something straight. You do not do the thinking for me.
DICK: Whatever Dude. I'll do what I want.
ME: And that's the problem. You do whatever you want without thinking about the consequences. Show some impulse control.
DICK: You show some impulse control you pansy.
ME: (to Brain) Hey you! Wake the fuck up. This concerns you too.
BRAIN: (groggy) Wha? Huh? Another five minutes mom.
ME: Wake up dumbass. You've been sleeping on the job.
BRAIN: I'm tired. Can we do this some other time?
ME: No! You need to start pulling your weight around here. Get off your lazy ass and start doing what you are supposed to.
BRAIN: (whines) But it's too hard and complicated. It's easier for him. He's got a simpler system in place.
DICK: Two against one dude. You're screwed.
ME: Shut up. You aren't the boss of me.
DICK: Au contraire mon frair. I beg to differ.
BRAIN: (snickering)
ME: You think that's funny?
BRAIN: Well...yeah. (snickering)
ME: What am I going to do with you two?
DICK: Are we done here? I got shit to do.
BRAIN: And I want to get back to my nap.
ME: Oy.
ME: Did I tell you about my date last Friday?
DEEK: Did he try to order for you?
ME: Ha ha. No. He had dirt under his fingernails.
DEEK: Landscaper?
ME: Software engineer.
Note to potential gentleman callers: Wash your hands including under your fingernails.
ME: He also avoided eye contact with me during the entire date.
DEEK: Where was he looking?
ME: At the invisible person to my right.
DEEK: Maybe he has a lazy eye.
ME: Maybe he has two lazy eyes.
Note to potential gentleman callers: Make some eye contact for chrissake.
DEEK: Maybe he was nervous.
ME: I think he was. He was sweating a lot.
Note to potential gentleman callers: Do I really need to say it?
DEEK: Did you have anything to talk about?
ME: Only because I guided the whole conversation. After about five minutes, I switched to practice dating mode. Brushed up on my conversation skills. It was hard because I was so not into being there.
Note to potential gentleman callers: Don't make me ask all the questions.
ME: Bottom line. There was no chemistry.
DEEK: You can't fake that.
ME: Nope. I had more chemistry with the guy I passed on the way to the bathroom.
Note to self: Try to be more subtle when checking out other guys while on a date.
Like all good Americans, Adam and I skipped the presidential debates to go the movies. Well, that's not true because there was nobody at the movies. I think I may have seen a tumbleweed blow through the lobby.
Our movie of choice? The new John Waters flick, A Dirty Shame. Our conversation afterwards.
ME: How awful are we? We should have been at home watching the debates and instead we went to see smut.
ADAM: Oh please! There was more substance in that movie than in any presidential debate.
ME: Huzzah!
I asked Adam earlier this week if "huzzah" was a Renaissance Festival thing since it was on Gilmore Girls the other night and the scene was at a Renaissance Festival.
ME: Did I use the reference correctly?
ADAM: Yeah. Geek.
ME: Slut. Geekslut!
This led to a discussion about the what-ever-the-hell-it-is that is happening in D.C. with the more burly and beefy queer bloggers, and of course, whom might do whom while there.
ADAM: Why weren't we invited? I feel left out.
ME: Because they don't know who the fuck we are?
ADAM: But still.
ME: If you want we can have our own blogger thing in protest. Just the two of us.
ADAM: Aren't we doing that now?
Later the discussion turned to Chris Isaak, one of the leads in the movie.
ME: Rumor has it he has a big one.
ADAM: Really?
ME: That's the word on the street.
At our respective homes, we searched the internet for confirmation.
ADAM: All I find is a rumor of him giving himself blowjobs at parties. Hmph!
ME: You are awful. Email me those articles.
ADAM: I am clearly going to the wrong parties.
After more Googling, I gave up.
ME: I am so disappointed I can't find more about his dick. The internet has let me down. It's all the
same: likes Asian women, rumors can give himself a blowjob, blah, blah, blah.
ADAM: Again...I am clearly going to the wrong parties.
ME: You know...If I blogged about this, it would soooooo increase my traffic.
I had the following conversation with a perpetually stressed out co-worker today.
STRESSED OUT CO-WORKER: I'm about to lose my mind. Fucking projects. (I've heard this tune many times.)
ME: (half jokingly) Out of curiosity, have you ever considered recreational drugs? It might help.
SOC: Yep. It might.
ME: >Were you mellow in high school? (I know she spent her entire high school years stoned.)
SOC: I don't remember.
M: (laughs)
I am so glad I'm not one of those stress kitties who thrive on stress. The Roommate has stress kitty tendencies, but she will deny it in a heartbeat.
Don't get me wrong, I have stress in my life. Who doesn't. There are times I freak out and have anxiety about shit, but over the years I've learn what stress does to me, not only mentally and emotionally, but also physically.
Many years ago, I was working myself to death. I was in the office long before the sun rose and left after it set. I lived on sugary sodas and nicotine. Sometimes I worked six days a week. I was so tired, not once but TWICE, I feel asleep on the phone while talking to a friend. The same friend both times. (I think she took it personally, because we aren't friends anymore.)
Then I started to get ill. I was having horrible buckling stomach pains. Then high fevers. The fevers were awful. I'd pass out on the sofa from them, burning up. I'd go to the doctor and they'd run the usually tests but everything came back normal. Blood tests, x-rays, a sonogram...and nothing. My doctor started to suspect I was making it up. Frustrated, he sent me to another doctor, a surgeon, to just get rid of me.
I met with the surgeon. He pressed on my stomach and asked me about what was going on. I told him about my work schedule and all I do. He diagnosed me with irritable bowel syndrome. He basically told me it is a condition with symptoms but no real cause for them. He gave me a prescription to help, but basically told me to rest and not work so much.
I took his advise. I took several days off and then schedule a vacation when I returned. I immediately stopped working overtime. When my boss called me at home about something, I told him the next day, I'd prefer not to bring work issues home with me and to only call me at home to discuss personal topics. (We were sort of friends at the time.) He didn't like that, but I didn't give a shit. I was determined to not experience that kind of pain again.
Now, my tummy is my barometer for stress. The second I start to feel it there, I back off instantly. Often times I have to remind myself a few times, to keep the tension at bay, but I usually can by living by asking myself a very simple question:
Is this worth me getting sick over?
The answer is always no. Sometimes the answer it HELL NO. Something out of my control? Oh well. Worries at work? Fuck it. It's just a paycheck. It's pretty easy to calm down about shit with those seven little words.
Matters of the heart are a bit different. When I am worried about a friend or loved one, I don't feel it in my stomach, but in my chest. It feels heavy and weighs on me. I think because that is where my heart is. (I understand the term heavy heart.)
I never want to be one of those people who are afraid to love. I love so many dear people. Wonderful friends. But when there is something wrong, I want to fix it. When I don't know how to fix it or diagnose what is wrong, I feel a very different kind but just a powerful physical manifestation. It's pretty frustrating. It's an awful feeling. But it is part of the package that love is.
In the documentary, What The #$&! Do We Know!?, there is a section of the movie that talking about a study a Japanese scientist did on consciousness and water. Basically, his researched showed that thoughts and feelings affect physical reality, including our personal health. It's a pretty amazing conclusion, but it's so very true. The mind, body and spirit are very intertwined. Fuck with one, the others suffer too.
While I was working at home today (or as Zenchick says "working" with air quotes and I can actually hear the air quotes in her tone of voice when she says it.) and I decide to take a break and log onto my home PC. I used to be able to use instant messenger services from my work PC, but The Company blocked all access to them a couple months ago. I guess they want us to actually focus on work while we are there. (Whatever.)
So I log onto my IM programs and have a little chat with Mark after I found out that his boyfriend, Brian, is out of town.
ME: So how long has Brian been gone?
MARK: Just one day. Spent the night last night alone for the first time in two months.
ME: *blank stare*
MARK: Oh stop!
ME: And you are going in withdrawal?
MARK: Yes. I miss him. He's called me twice.
ME: *cough* Loser. *cough*
MARK: LOL. I know I am.
ME: When is he coming back?
MARK: Saturday. I hope you can make in until then. So your date last night went well, huh?
ME: It did. *sigh*
MARK: Awwwww. You like him huh?
ME: I do. He's a nice guy. I have a date tomorrow with a different guy.
MARK: Oh my!
ME: I'm really pimping myself out.
MARK: *cough* Slut. *cough*
ME: LOL
MARK: But hey, you're having a good time. that's all that matters
ME: I am, but Man! Do I need a day off!
MARK: LOL. It can get expensive too if you're always buying
ME: I know. And Papa's bank account is running low.
MARK: It doesn't take long. And you don't want to eat at Subway or something like that and seem cheap. LOL.
ME: LOL. Well, so far they have all paid. Was I suppose to put out then?
MARK: Well usually yes. At least give them a BJ.
ME: Damn! I new I forgot something.
MARK: You're still learning honey. It's okay.
ME: He pays = blowjob. I pay = I get a blowjob. Got it!
MARK: Exactly. And if you go Dutch, just both of you go at it and have wild monkey loving.
ME: Maybe I'll pay tomorrow. :-)
MARK: What does Bachelor No. 3 do?
ME: He's an artist and a little weird, but I like that about him.
MARK: Watch out for those artists! We're a moody bunch.
ME: LOL
MARK: Speaking of which, I so have to draw tonight.
ME: Maybe you could send it to your new fan.
MARK: LOL. Isn't that freaky?
ME: Yes. Very.
MARK: Of all the "celebrities" to comment on my site.
ME: Well...Famous Author Rob Byrnes comments on your site and he's famous. He even says so.
MARK: Well yeah. That's true.
ME: I miss our little chats.
MARK: Me too!
I decided to work from home today because too much exposure to my co-workers isn't a good thing and...I can. This afternoon, my cell phone rings. It's the Zenchick.
"You remember how you told me you don't have any real dating experience?" It's true. I haven't really ever dated, not like meet-you-for-coffee-dinner-or-a-movie dating. (More on that another day.)
I tell her yes. "Well I just had a thought. When someone new gets hired at the office, they job-shadow me to watch me and see what I do at work."
"Uh huh..."
"So I was thinking I could take you along on my date today." She arranged a coffee date with a man who responded to her online personal ad. She continued, "It could be all, 'Hi John, I'm Zenchick. This is Brian. He's going to be observing us today. Don't pay him any attention. He's just going to sit there quietly and take notes while we talk.' What do you think?"
"You are too funny. Since I can't be there, you could set the cell phone on the table. 'John, can you speak up please? Brian can't hear you.' No, that won't be awkward at all," I say sarcastically.
"I have a feeling it's already going to be awkward."
"Why is that?"
"On the phone, this guy sounded dull as a box of hair, but I already agreed to meet him and he's driving through here from out of town."
"Is this the guy whose personal ad you forwarded to me?"
"Yep."
"Ask him about his job. He talked a lot about having the best job in the world and stuff. He'll love that you asked."
"You are so good to me."
"Call me later and let me know how it goes."
An hour later, my phone rings again. "Do you know what ass burger is?"
"What?" I ask. Surely she isn't saying what I heard.
"Ass burger."
"Ass burger?"
"Yes. Ass burger."
"I think I know what that is." I assumed it was just an insult like asshole or something.
"I just had a date with someone with ass burger syndrome."
Now I am totally confused. Apparently ass burger isn't something you are, but something you have. But at this point I don't want to ask again.
"This guy was totally has ass burger. He just stared intensely at me for half an hour and spoke in this creepy monotone voice."
"Ass burger syndrome?" I ask.
"Yes! Ass burger syndrome. Look it up."
"You want me to Google ass burger syndrome?"
"Yeah. I want you to see what the symptoms are"
"Symptoms?" I think. "What the fuck!?"
"How do you spell it?" I ask.
"I don't know. It starts with A - S - P."
"Are you saying aspurger?"
"Yes. Just look it up."
So I Google aspurger syndrome and lovely Google asks me if I am looking for Asperger Syndrome. Why yes I am. Thank you Google.
"Oh! You said Asperger Syndrome."
"That's what I said."
"I thought you said ass burger and I was wondering what the hell is an ass burger."
"What is an ass burger?"
"I dunno."
Instant Messaging with Mark
Mark: [Emailguy is] playing hooky tomorrow from work to spend the night with me
since he leaves friday for lubbock
CBG: getting jealous again. (i don't want to be that guy)
Mark: ok i'll stop lol
CBG: you can tell me all about it this weekend and make me even more
jealous.
Mark: well he'll be out of town
CBG: i'm sure he'll wear you out on friday. (did i say that?)
Mark: LOL i'm sure he will. *sigh*
CBG: are you fanning yourself just thinking about it?
Mark: yes. moist as a cupcake...down there
CBG: ALRIGHT! time to get back to work and cut this inappropriate talk out.
Text Messaging with Kristin
Me: Ugh! So far, this week has sucked big, fat donkey dicks. I am SO ready for
the weekend.
She: If it helps, I'm with my Mom.
Me: You win.
Me: Aren't you meeting your beau-to-be tonight?
The Roommate: No. He emailed me. He's sick. Whatever.
Me: Well, that gives you more time to rehearse your Julia Roberts Notting
Hill Speech. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to
@#$% her."
The Roommate: I think his canceling is divine intervention. Maybe it's
not meant to be.
Me: Maybe his kid pulled a Delia.
For the uninitiated: Delia is a character on Everwood. She is the nine year old
daughter of the widowed main character. Recently, she threw a hissy-fit
(even resorting to saying "the s word"!) in protest of her daddy's
friendship with a lady doctor. At the end of the episode, she apologized for her
brattiness but told her daddy dear he can date anyone he wants but never never
the lady doc.
Now I am totally embarrassed that not only have I publicly admitted I actually watch Everwood,
but have also used it in a pop culture vernacular way.
The Roommate: Maybe, but I think that would be over his head. The kid is just
5.
Me: Children grow up a lot faster today. When we were 5 we were playing
with Lincoln Logs and making mud pies. This kid can probably download The
Wiggles and Hilary Duff on his MP3 while building his own website entirely in
CSS that validates in XHTML.
Brian: ugh
Kristin: I SOOOO agree. In fact, I agree so much, I'm trying to get out of here.
I can't do it anymore today
Brian: walk on girlfriend
Kristin: I have chocolate Oreos at home and they are calling my name.
Brian: do they speak with one collective voice or individually?
Kristin: It's like the alien toys in Toy Story. Both individually and as one.
Brian: : LOL. well....enjoy your stress binge
Kristin: Well, mostly I just want to be at home AND the final LA/Detroit WNBA game is on tonight.
Game 3 of 3
Brian: i assume that is important for some reason so know i am tilting my head and nodding knowingly
Kristin: THE finals. To be the national champions for 2003 kind of game.
Brian: okay...i believe you. (geez.)
Kristin: Sigh... I know you aren't into sports, not like I'm a total sports nut or anything, but let's just say, it's the big game. Total David and Goliath. LA=Goliath. They've won 3 times in a row. Detroit=David. Last year they had the worst record ever in the WNBA. This year, they've had the best record ever in the WNBA. All that's left is the title.
Brian: i said i believed you.
Kristin: I know dear. Just trying to give you a feel for lesbian current events.
Brian: ok....let's get something straight. i may like, no...love my lesbian sisters and have a huge appreciation for their culture, but i have to retain some gay male qualities or else they might come after me and revoke my membership.
Kristin: you'd have to try to USE the membership card before they could revoke it
Brian: BITCH!
Kristin: Kisses!
I had a pretty lazy weekend. A little too lazy. Sunday I was
laying on the sofa and fell asleep. The lamps were on and it was a bit too
bright so I had my arm covering my eyes. The phone rang. Arm still
covering eyes, I groped the floor looking for the cordless. It was my
friend Karen.
Karen: What? Were you sleeping?
Me: Sorta.
Karen: Okay. Well, I'll let you go.
Me: Wait. I need a favor.
Karen: What?
Me: Can you come over and turn out the
lights. They hurt my eyes.
Karen: *click*
Me: Hello? Hello?
Still not wanting to get up and turn off the lights myself, I groped the
floor some more and found a blanket within arms reach
and pulled it over my face.
Brian: I want to spend
time with your kid. What is her schedule like this weekend? She
likes strip clubs right?
T: Yep. The
cousins are coming on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe
Friday night?
Brian: Do you know
what she wants to do?
T: Um, no. I can
ask her tonight for you
Brian: Please don't.
Then I might get stuck doing something I don't want to do.
T: That is funny.
Maybe you should call her and you guys can discuss it.
Brian: Will her mother
have the ringer on so as to accept my call? (gah!)
T: I'll do my
best!
Brian: That's
all I can ask for. What did Aurora do for you on Mother's Day?
T: She made a cute
little card with a teacup on it and a bag of tea in it, and it
said I am a "tea-riffic" mom. God bless the public education system.
Brian: Did it have
glitter? You know the amount of glitter is in equal proportion to the amount of
love your child has for you.
T: Hmmm....no
glitter. But there was a LOT of glue. She was mad at her teacher because
she wanted to draw a picture of us hugging, but the
teacher, Miss Bouchy ("Boo-Shay") told her they were drawing flowers.
Brian: What a crag.
T: She is
usually pretty cool, but I know she is obsessed with her upcoming
nuptials and move to New York.
Brian: So her personal life
is interfering in the development of
creativity? That's not so tea-riffic.
