I want to Crtl + Z my morning.

I woke up insanely early this morning from an annoying dream. I was asked to accompany a dance recital. No problem, I thought. And then I looked at the music. I was super easy but when I looked at it, it looked very complicated. And then I remember. I haven't played piano in over ten years. Eek! Get thee to a practice room. But I kept getting lost looking for a piano.

Next thing I know, I'm riding a bicycle on the way to my grandmother's house in Oklahoma. I keep getting text messages saying, "It's ten minutes until we start. Where are you?" So not only am I unprepared, but also late. A double whammy of regret. Thanks subconscious!

It was then that I pulled myself out of sleep because next I probably would have been standing in front of everyone in my underwear and no one needs to see that.

After I got out of bed, I stumbled to the bathroom to start my day. My beard is looking pretty scraggly, so I got out the clippers. After putting in my contacts, I grabbed the clippers and started trimming away. I see tons of hairs dropping into the sink and I think, "Man! I really am overdue for a trim."

Then it hits me. "Is that skin I see?"

I forgot to put the guard on the clippers.

Ugh.

I opted out of joining the Pornstach Hall of Fame, instead going all the way to clean shaven. My face feels so naked.

Don't get used to it.

By the way, Chad has declared today T-Shirt Appreciation Day, so later you may see me wearing this t-shirt on his site sporting a more scruffy look.

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams, Life

I really wasn't too concerned about this procedure. That is, until I went to my doctor's website and saw this. (View at your own risk.)

Yeah seriously, does anyone other than a gasterointerologist NEED to see that?

Then one night I dreamt that I woke up in the hospital after my colonoscopy only to discover a huge bandage on my stomach where the doctors performed surgery. My stomach was tender and hurt a lot. I was pretty groggy yet managed to get on my feet and get out of bed.

And that's when the 6 foot long colostomy bag rolled out from under my hospital gown and hit the floor.

I started wandering around the hospital, dragging the bag and it was pulling at my bandage and hurt a lot.

I kept asking for help and no one would. The colostomy bag was filling with fluid and was heavier to drag and causing me a lot of pain, so I sat down to rest.

And that's when I saw Oprah and Gayle. I asked them if they could help me but they just ignored me and started talking about me like I wasn't there. Once again, Oprah fails me.

Sometime after that, I woke up. No bandage. No 6 foot long colostomy bag. (EEK! Can you imagine?)

So any who...enjoy your Valentine's Day. And if you find your butt all greased up, hope it's for a better reason than mine.

Comments (9)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams, Life

While dreaming last night, a blogger made a special guest appearance. This isn't anything new. I've dreamt about bloggers before. It's kinda of weird I would dream about people I've never met, but it's happened a few times, so I just gave up wondering why.

So during my dream last night, Julie and I were in a parking lot when this blogger showed up in a '64 white tricked-out Mustang. We got in and he showed Julie his CDs.

That's all I remember. See! It's not just my blog. Even my dreams are completely boring.

Care to guess who it was? Obviously it's a guy. (Sorry Tuna Girl.)

I'll post the answer in a few days in the comments.

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams

I had a dream about someone I haven't talked to in a while. Our friendship sort of ended on a sour note. In my dream, there were many people and we were all climbing a steep grassy hill full of plush green grass. It was a bright and sunny, yet cool day.

Because the hill was so steep, it was very difficult to climb. Hordes of people passed us hiking upward seemingly effortless, while she and I struggled, crawling on our hands and knees. We were very aware of each others presence, but didn't want to acknowledge the other. The awkwardness of our past felt heavy and weighed us down.

Eventually, we were the only two left behind, trying to catch our breath and frustrated that we couldn't get ahead. Exhausted from the difficult climb, we stopped resting on our knees.

We turned and looked at each other, both afraid to speak. I took a breathe and said, "I'm sorry." She said, "No, I'm sorry." Then we hugged.

We grabbed each other by the hand and started pulling our way up the hill, eventually helping each other to our feet. Together, still holding hands, we were able to hike, making our way up the hill to join the others at the top.

We both knew that alone we could not move and remained frustrated in the same place. But by helping each other and putting aside the uncomfortableness, we could do anything.

Chessy, but it rings true.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams

Let me begin by saying this. Yes. Yes, I know. I know I am about a thousand years behind the rest of you. You with your cable or satellite television. You with your Sunday night rituals. You who are no doubt still in mourning over its departure. I am well aware this post is about three years late. I hang my head in shame. I am a bad homo and a worse television watcher. Please forgive me.

I am just now getting around to seeing Sex and the City. Last month a co-worker started loaning me her DVDs. The last several weekends have been spent watching back-to-back episodes. It has been a total waste of my weekend hours, but ever so satisfying and addictive. I am almost finished with Season Three at this point.

Adam has been doing the same thing with his Netflix queue. He's a few seasons ahead of me. Due to this overexposure he began having dreams about the show, mostly of a sexual nature involving Sarah Jessica Parker. This week, I had my first SATC dream, however mine aren't raunchy. Mine are just fucked up. So there they were, all four actresses, on a soundstage some where in Hollywood, California with Richard Karn.

That's right kids. I dreamt the women of Sex and the City were contestants on Family Feud.

WHAT is wrong with me?

They all looked Patricia Field-styled fabulous. Each took their turn facing off the other contestants to decide if they would pass or play that round. Each round was played efficiently. My favorite part was when it was Cynthia Nixon's turn. She walked up in a stunning red dress with big ass purse to match. Once she arrived at the podium, she reached inside her purse and pulled out her Emmy for Best Supporting Actress and proceeded to polish it, beaming with a proud smile.

You may be asking at this point, "But Brian...Family Feud consists of teams of five. Who was the fifth teammate?" Get ready for this one. It's a curveball.

Fran Lebowitz.

That's right. Sardonic writer slash humorist Fran Lebowitz was the fifth team player for Team Sex and the City. They stood tall in their brightly-colored couture fashions while Fran looked ashen, gray and slumped over in baggy jeans and an old, frayed cardigan. I think I remember her smoking too.

The next morning, I'm telling Adam about my dream.

BRIAN: I wonder why Fran Lebowitz was there.
ADAM: Have you considered she may be your animal spirit guide? She seems to come up a lot.
BRIAN: She does? When has she come up before?
ADAM: I can't remember specifically but you're the only person who's ever mentioned her, so it stands out.
BRIAN: Maybe I'm the only person who's ever mentioned her because I have an arsenal of obscure pop culture references at my disposal.
ADAM: Yep. Or because she's your animal spirit guide. I like that idea better.

Why can't Helena Bonham Carter be my animal spirit guide? Damnit. I never dream about her.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Chats, Dreams, Life

I tend to have very vivid dreams. I also frequently remember them. I believe this is unusual because when I tell people about dreams I've had they are often surprised at the detail I remember them and tell me they rarely remember their dreams at all.

I'm not into dream analysis per se, however I can usually pinpoint what certain elements of my dreams represent or at least where they were skimmed from the surface of my subconscious. I dream about my friends, people at work, books and magazines I have read, TV and movies I watch. Pretty much if I see it or think about it, it ends up somewhere in my dream life. This weekend I had a very odd work-related dream.

I was in a building on a corner of a busy urban street. The room had very large windows and I could see people constantly hurriedly walking by. It was a brisk, chilly day.

At first I didn't recognize anyone in the room however I knew they were people from work. My friend Thomas was there. He was waiting to be interviewed for a position open on my team. I don't know the other guy who was to be interviewed but I felt as if I knew him.

Then a group of people came in. Among them were Evan Williams, Jason Shellen and Biz Stone.

Time for a disclaimer: I don't know Evan, Jason or Biz, nor have I met or corresponded with them. I have only read their weblogs like countless other people. I know what they look like because they post pictures of themselves on their blogs. I make no assumptions about them nor have I any inkling about the kind of people they are.

They are taking off their coats. Evan and Biz go to talk to the group of unfamiliar faces. I walk up to Jason and stick my hand out to say hello and introduce myself. He uneasily shakes it and looks me up and down with a look of uncomfortable skepticism. I tell him I've read his blog. He avoids making eye contact, says "that's great," and blows me off to join his group.

The Blogger Team is there to interview the candidates for this position. Why? I have no idea. It is very clear I still work for "The Monster Company" and they still work for Google. I guess they are there as consultants(?). I am there to give my feedback. Noticeably absent are my superiors. I overhear someone say they know about the interview but the want to leave it to these guys to make a decision.

We all sit down at a long table. They are on one side. I am on the other with Thomas to one side of me and the other candidate on the other. The other nameless people are sitting around all of us.

Evan starts to ask Thomas and the other candidate interview type questions, but I am distracted by my thoughts and am not paying close attention to what is being asked and answered. In my mind, I know that these guys are unqualified to work on my team and I will end up picking up the slack of whomever gets the job. I am annoyed by this. I am annoyed no one asks me for or wants to hear my opinion. I ask the candidates questions, hoping to expose their inexperience. It doesn't work. Thomas is charming them. They laugh at his anecdotes and feel comfortable around him. Biz is doing Christopher Walken impressions and cracking everyone up. (Okay...I know where this one comes from. See this. I still laugh out loud when I hear it again.) Everyone throws back their heads and laugh in unison. It is all so David Lynchian.

Then everyone gets up. We are all going to have lunch. The Blogger guys are putting on their Blogger hoodies. I have one too. Suddenly everyone has their coat on, but I can't find mine. They are walking out the door and Biz tells me to catch up to them. I am looking around the room, under benches for my coat and ask a woman I know from work but have never talked to, if she has seen it. She says, "you're wearing it." I look down and see I am. I think how did that happen.

I walk out the door, onto the street heading the direction the left. I woke up before I caught up to them.

Pretty bizarre - huh? So what does it all mean? Hell if I know. Here are some random thoughts:

• Currently I feel very ineffective and unappreciated at work. I think that is pretty evident in this dream.
• The only reason I can think that Thomas is in the dream is because that day, I drove by his street on my way home. I'm not sure if his presence has any other significance.
• Why Google/Blogger? Do I wish I worked for Google? No way. I am not an engineer or a developer, nor do I want to be. I suppose because in my mind, Google's culture is the kind of company I wish I worked for. They are young and innovative. And they serve free lunches. Who wouldn't love that?
• Why Evan, Jason & Biz? Most likely I read way too many blogs.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams, Thomas

I had the strangest dream last night. I was in my high school auditorium as an adult with other adults I didn't recognize. I was there to rehearse a three person play only there were four of us in the play.

I and this other guy were sharing one of the parts. He was going to play the role in the first act and I was going to play it in the second act. He was really good and knew his part. I didn't know any of my lines or what the play was about.

Here is where it gets really strange. Not only did I not know my part, but the part was written for an Asian man. (A hint for those of you who don't know me...I'm not Asian.)

To get a little weirder, the other guy was Asian. I wanted to get out of playing the part because clearly I wasn't suited for the role. Everyone including the Asian actor seemed shocked that I didn't want to do the play. I was trying to explain to them that it made no sense having two people playing the same role especially when one of them knows the part when I don't and he is also the same ethnicity of the character and it would be ridiculous, if not insulting, to have a white man playing the role of an Asian. But they just looked at me with disappointment and disbelief.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night. I only remember bits and pieces about it: a huge white house, an overcast yet bright day, an open garage, a dark swamp, a lady with a machete, a sense of mystery, maybe some fear. Justin Theroux from Mulholland Drive was there. He seemed familiar but I was apprehensive about trusting him. When I went to the Internet Movie Database to find out more about him, I saw that we share the same birthday.

Hmmm. Very strange indeed.

Permalink | File Under: Dreams