Over the last few months I've been slowly losing weight. My main motivator has been my back. The more weight I lose, the better it is for my back and the longer I can hopefully put off (ever) having surgery. Every little bit has helped. After I lost 12 pounds, I felt a difference. After 18, an even bigger difference. So far the total is about thirty-five. Although I feel the problem with back every day, it's very minimal compared to six months ago when every movement I made signaled, "Hey! There's something wrong here!" to my brain.

A fear I, and I assume most people who lose weight would, have is will I put the weight back on. I've lost weight before. And I've put it back on before. I know it is always possible, but this time has been different. Whatever reasons I had for losing weight before have all been muted by the thundering roar of DO THIS OR YOU WILL HAVE SURGERY AND YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Losing weight hasn't been about vanity or a mild sense of needing to be more healthy. It's been imperative. My life will already never been the same. This thing with my back... it's NEVER going away. It is something I will always have to be conscious of no matter what I do. But, if it's a choice of being aware of limitations and actually having limitations, I'll take the former.

Wait, what does this have to do with t-shirts? Oh yeah. So as I've been losing weight, my clothes have become baggy. People at work have been very helpful in pointing this out. "Stop wearing those jeans. They look awful on you." This kind of bluntness only makes me want to wear the jeans more to spite them, until they are practically falling off me.

For a few weeks, I've been going through my closet and sorting out the ones that no longer fit. Mostly this is for practical reasons. If it doesn't fit why still have it around? But also I've followed Daniel's lead that if I can only wear what I own, I can't afford to put weight back on. (Which is of course bullshit because I have to buy new clothes to replace my old clothes, but you know what I mean.)

I'm a t-shirt & jeans kind of guy, therefore I have a ton of t-shirts. And while I've been happy to part with the super baggy ones or just plain worn-out ones, there are some I just can't quite part with.

Old School Blogger T-Shirt

This is old. WAY old. Back when one of the dudes who invented Twitter was one of the dudes who invented Blogger before he sold it to Google for a bazillion dollars. Before the rounded the corners of the logo and changed the typeface.

I actually have two of these and both have bleach stains on them. I usually wear them when I clean and do laundry.

Vote for Pedro T-Shirt

Someone gave this to me for my birthday. I wore it to be ironic. And on Cinco De Mayo.

Cowgirl T-Shirt

I love everything about this shirt. It's brown. It's got a cowgirl on it. A cowgirl in a short skirt and thigh high boots. She's flipping you off. Her belt buckle has a skull on it. PURE HOTNESS!

Eskimo Lisa

Back when the Purple Tape was a rarity, Lisa Loeb found a bunch and bundled them with a bunch of stuff from her website's store. I bought one of these packs for the tape. It came with a mouse pad, pens, postcards, stickers, keychains and this t-shirt.

WWJD for a Klondike Bar?

Or for that matter, what would you do?

Ze Frank T-Shirt

I have two Ze Frank shirts. I'm not sure what happened to the other one. It may be at Goodwill already. This one is based on his advice giving, confidence building character of yore.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Dear Pita Jungle,

Please hurry up and open so I will never have to buy groceries again.

Me love you long time.

Sincerely,
Brian

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Permalink | File Under: Life

When I first dipped my toe into the world of blogging in 2001, Brad Graham's blog, The Daily Brad, was one of the first I read regularly. Full of dry wit and snark, I'd comb through his archives trying not to laugh out loud too much since I was reading it at work.

Sadly, Brad passed away recently at the age of 41. Very sad news indeed.

Brad blogged less and less, but his humor lived on via Twitter.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Graham. Thanks for all the LOLs.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I've started and trashed this post about 2009 a bunch of times. I think it says more about my desire to blog than about the post itself. Blame Facebook and Twitter.

So here's what I'll say. 2009 wasn't so bad. By all accounts, it should have been. My cat died. My body broke and now I have to deal with that for the rest of my life.

And yet as the year was closing out, all I could think about is how happy I've been lately. I started a job at the beginning of the year and hey guess what... I'm still there. I visited Gayle in Chicago and totally fell in love with that city. I made some new friends near and far. I learned to appreciate the ones I have even more.

Cobban said today that happiness is a choice. He is so right about that. Even in times of grief and great pain, light and joy can be found.

So here's to 2010, now matter how you want to say it.

Cheers.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I finally put that label maker to use.

If you look closely, you can see about 20 scissors. WHERE DID THEY ALL COME FROM?

I. Am. Exhausted.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I was cleaning the kitchen the other day and found the printout of my Mondo Beyondo for this year. It had fallen off the refrigerator where it was posted. I must have put it on top of the fridge. I read what I wrote in January. There it was written in bold letters, "Tell more stories," — my pledge for this year. I didn't forget about it, I just haven't been in a place where I've wanted to share. It's time to get over that.

I've been avoiding writing about this for a few months. The results of the MRI were not great. I have a herniated disk. My doctor referred me to a neurosurgeon without even asking how I felt or was I still in pain before telling me the results.

I fired him.

Currently, I'm doing okay-ish. I can work a full day and lead a mostly normal life. But there is pain. Every single day. Usually it's a mild ache or occasional discomfort, but it is persistent. Physically, I'm limited what I can do.

And there are drugs. Lots of drugs. I have more drugs in me than Charlie Parker. I detest taking medication. But it's a necessary evil I suppose. My chiropractor, who is pretty awesome, has been very helpful and supportive.

My new doctor has been pretty great so far. I'm still getting to know her, but the first thing she told me was surgery would be the last option after other treatments have been tried. I wanted to tongue kiss her for that. I have an appointment next week and will likely start physical therapy next month. I'm hoping that helps a lot. Meanwhile, I try to take it easy and avoid things that will aggravate my condition. It hurts the most when I have to stand up or sit down. If I sit too long the sciatica starts. My range of motion has decreased a lot.

The hardest part is feeling like this is never going to end. And feeling really fucking old. Forty is supposed to be the new twenty damnit! Not the new sixty-five. Sometimes it's like my life is divided into two parts: before this and after this. I don't even know what to call this exactly. The day-to-day struggle wears on my soul. It shows on my face that something's not right. But like every other challenge, I press on.

Pretty much this occupies most of my thoughts, and frankly I get tired of hearing myself talk about it. So, I doubt I'll have more stories to tell for a while. But you never know, there may be something that pops up once in a while.

Peace.

Permalink | File Under: Life

Last week, I emailed my mother some photos from Julie & Jason getting married, including a photo of Kristin & I.

She replied quickly.

Cute pictures. Glad that you all had a fun afternoon. Have you been sleeping well? Looks like you have dark circles under your eyes – or is it just the lighting? Take care – Love, Mom

The thing about mothers is they know which buttons to push because they installed them.

I replied that of course the lighting was bad. It's a courtroom and reminded her I would soon be turning forty.

"Here's a guide to help you with this transition."

So, it's here finally. Forty. FORTY! I've been getting a lot of questions how I feel about it. To be honest, I feel just fine. For months now, when people asked me how old I was, I never said 39. I always said, "I'll be 40 next year," or "I'll be 40 in August."

Maybe that was my way of preparing for The Big Four Oh® but I think instead, I've been looking forward to forty.

My thirties were spent figuring out a lot of shit. I clocked a lot of hours on my therapist's couch. I spent a lot time getting my (mind's) house in order. Clearing out the shit that wasn't useful. Renovating what was there to make it better. More inviting. Making it a more welcoming place.

My life is very different from what it was ten years ago. I am very different.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating. The last year has been a difficult one. Loss of jobs. Loss of Elliott. Loss of health. But when I look back on the last fifteen months, I don't reflect on what was bad about them, but the good stuff.

My friends are the most generous, helpful awesome people and I truly am blessed for having them in my life.

As hard as it was to see Elliott go, I am so grateful for the time I had him, especially the time we spent together during his last three weeks.

As painful and difficult June was, it has made me reevaluate how I want to spend the rest of my time here and where I want my life to go.

I didn't mean to say much with this post. Funny how the fingers start flying some time.

So here's to forty. The best has yet to come.

Speaking of those awesome friends, I spent Saturday with many of them. It was a perfect evening and exactly what I wanted.

Photos are on Flickr.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I had an MRI today. When I scheduled it, do you know what would have been nice to be told? The scan itself would take thirty minutes. THIRTY MINUTES in a BIG TUBE with LOUD NOISES and you CAN'T MOVE.

You know what else would have been nice? Having my appointment at the time it was scheduled instead of an hour and a half later. That's a long time sitting in a hospital gown watching Regis & Kelly banter about tennis and shit.

It's also a long time to people watch. Or specifically old people watch. One of the MRI/CT hostesses (whatever they are called) would walk one in, show them the changing room and give instructions: "Take off your clothes and change into a hospital gown. You may leave your underpants and socks on."

I am highly disturbed by the number of elderly people who responded, "I don't wear underpants."

*shudder*

Not, "I'm not wearing underpants," but, "I DON'T WEAR underpants."

*shudder again*

For the record, I was wearing underpants. I'll let you guess what kind.

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Now bend over and get ready for your spankings!

UPDATE: I forgot about this awesome version by Glen Phillips.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Movies, Music

So it's been a while. There really hasn't been much to say lately expect to whine and complain about the constant pain. The nerve pain is starting to go away but like my doctor told me, it's going to take a very long time

Very. Long. Time.

Ugh.

I was encouraged yesterday morning when I woke up and felt no pain. NONE AT ALL. Of course that quickly ended when I got out of bed and sat dawn.

Ouch!

I have a follow up with my doctor this morning and more physical therapy on Wednesday. I've been trying not to go all Valley of the Dolls with the pain medication, but some days I can't survive without it. And truth be told, it doesn't help that much.

See what I mean about the whining and complaining? I've been a real treat to be around lately.

Any who... yesterday was Kristin's 8th Annual Birthday Bowling Bonanza. I opted out of the bowling and instead took pictures. You can see them below or on Flickr.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

I went back to work today. Well, I went back last Thursday but after two days, I was bedridden all weekend. Monday, The Greg® drove me back to the doctor for more 'roids and some reassurance that, "Yes, Brian. You will be able to sit and walk normally again."

Oy.

Today I was able to work about six hours before I had to call it quits. Me and Mr. Vicodin are now having a lovely evening washing dishes and grooving to my new fave song that I saw last week on BFF.

Awesome, right?

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Music

I was back at the doctor's today for more x-rays.

Sexy, right? I'll give you a moment to regain your composure.

This weekend, I was in so much pain I actually bawled for about 30 minutes. It was just plain awful. The on-call doctor phoned in a prescription of pain killers. In gratitude, I'm naming all my babies after him. Every. Single. One.

The pain killers didn't get rid of all the pain, just made it more tolerable. The Greg® drove me to the doctor today. (Have I mentioned how painful it is to drive? Oy.) I have a torn muscle and the inflammation is pressing on my sciatic nerve which shoots pain all down my right leg to the tip of my toes. It's like no pain I've ever felt before. Several times this weekend I wanted to recreate the last scene of Saw just to make it stop hurting.

Right now, I have more drugs in me than a Walgreens, but this combination is finally helping. As I write this I am actually sitting upright in a chair, something I haven't been able to do for more than 2 minutes without wincing since last Wednesday.

At least, until now. OUCH. Back to bed for me.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Oy! What a week! Last Friday night, I felt the familiar pang of diverticulitis. And by "pang," I mean "excruciating abdominal pain."

I ordered my prescription that night and started taking it the next day. I've taken these medications a few times. They have never made me so sick to my stomach before. I've been nauseous all week. And one leaves a horrible metallic taste in my mouth. Bleah.

I was reading the labels the other night and one says, "May be used to treat or prevent Anthrax exposure."

o_O

You know what that means, right? Hey Terrorists! BRING IT ON! Hit me with your best shot Jihad.

Again, bleah I say.

Adding to the "fun," I've been dog sitting all week. Meet George.

And Brownie.

They are very sweet, hyper animals who have convinced me to finally go on record as a Cat Person®.

Dogs. Are. Exhausting.

Srsly.

In between being sick and tackled by a pit bull mix every night, I found time to see the Chihuly exhibit one last time before it closes. This time with John. It was a lot of fun.

Photos are posted at Flickr or you can see them below.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

Last week, my Mac imploded. The techinical diagnosis is probably that my hard drive crashed, but I tell the story like this:

It will probably be a while before I get a replacement. Postings will probably be more sporatic than they have been lately.

Sometimes, life, the universe or whatever, just tells you it's time to take a break. I'm listening.

UPDATE: My hero Mark fixed my compy and is giving it a super upgrade to make is run much better. After the upgrade I should be able to control the weather and all small electrical appliances within a 50 mile radias. Go Mark!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Go plant a tree or something.

I bought this shirt at The Mothership® while in Chicago this weekend. It was an AWESOME weekend. I'll post pictures from my trip tomorrow.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I got a new camera today.

Of course, I took this picture with my old camera. I'm surprised that camera is still working considering it's older than some of my friends' children and I've dropped it about a million times.

I took this picture of my old camera with my new camera.

It's been an awesome no-frills camera but one thing I won't miss is that postage stamp size display screen.

The new camera has a HUGE screen.

No squinting or bifocals needed for that screen!

Ignore those smudges, please.

I can't wait to see what all the little do-dads and whatsits can do.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

A couple weeks ago, I started thinking about Mondo Beyondo. I've done them before, they are super empowering and energizing. But when I remembered it was time for a new list, I just wasn't feeling it.

All I've been feeling lately is numb. Last year, especially the last few months of it, left me very shaken. Going through two layoffs in one year was no picnic. While my head said, "You'll be fine. You'll land on your feet," during the second layoff, my heart was thinking, "I'm not sure how much more I can take of this." Luckily, I got through it, relatively unscathed.

When I told my friends about the temp job I started at the beginning of the year, they'd always ask me if I was excited. I wasn't. Don't get me wrong – I was very relieved and happy to have a job and finally income again. But I couldn't muster any excitement about it. The economy is still shaky and this job isn't a sure thing. I still feel unstable, like at any moment another layoff could be coming. And being a contract employee, it would be much easier to get rid of me.

So the thought of listing my goals and what I want to create for myself hasn't been something I've wanted to face yet because when I do start to think about it, I only get as far as KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE WATER.

I thought I might have caught a break because Andrea hadn't posted about Mondo Beyondo yet. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she was too busy. Maybe she didn't want to face it either.

Today, she posted.

And it's good she did, because I NEED to face this fear — that's what it is: big, old, stinking, useless fear. The last thing I need is to spend the whole year walking around like a zombie, trying not to feel or trying not to care. I can't let the craptastic events of last year overshadow the awesomeness that made 2008 a great year or ruin this year before it's even in full swing.

Rejuvenation begins with a simple list.

• Post this on the fridge. The problem with blogging about this is that it gets buried in the archives. I need this to be front and center.

• Embrace my oddball nature. I've always felt a bit like an outsider looking in. Call it what you want: unique, weird, different. You know what? I like that about myself.

• Treat myself better. Whether that is eating healthier (already on it,) or actually using my gym membership after an extended hiatus, or just being more respectful of my self, I will do it.

• Tell more stories. I don't know why you read my blog. When I look at it, it seems like the most boring thing ever to me. Not that it needs to be more exciting in content, but could I at least describe my day without resorting to using ALL CAPS SIMPLY FOR EMPHASIS? (Not that I intend to cut that out.)
  
  There are so many things I never share here. I'm not sure if that is because I'd rather keep them to myself, or because I don't know HOW (see!) to share them. I think I know where to start.

• Become a better designer. I am very lucky to have a job that allows me to be creative, and yet, I have so much to learn. This is where I start.

And that's it. I'm keeping it short and sweet this year. I think I can at least accomplish the first one. As for the second one, waaaay ahead of you on that. The other three are ones I've already given some thought to and started.

Whew. That wasn't so scary after all.

Now it's your turn. What do YOU want to create for yourself this year?

Comments (8)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Lists, Mondo Beyondo, Sharing

New Year's Eve came and went along with the copious amounts of wine that disappeared in my gullet.

I forgot to tell John about my habit of wandering off in a drunken stupor. It's really hard to drunk text "CURB" when replying to "Where are you?"

Happy New Year!

Other photos are on Facebook and Flickr.

PS - I changed the banner. You may need to clear yo cache.

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Permalink | File Under: Banners, Life

Dear 2008,

I have to be honest with you. You kind of sucked overall. Sure, we had some good times here and there, but overall, you were one pissy little bitch.

Don't let the door hit ya on the ass on the way out.

No hard feelings, but fuck off.

Sincerely,
Brian

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Permalink | File Under: Life

This weekend was Kristin and Kandy's (almost) annual holiday party. There was a smaller crowd than usual, but it was really nice. Everyone got a chance to visit with everyone else.

Kate, who's in the above photo, sometimes reads my blog so here is a special message just for her.

HEY KATE. STOP SMOKING!!!!

I capitalize and bold that with all the love in my heart.

Kandy and Kristin got a Wii for Christmas. I had fun kicking everyone's ass playing darts and trivia. But then the lesbians started playing golf.

Typical.

I'm trying out a goatee. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Any thoughts?

Other photos are on Facebook and Flickr.

Comments (7)
Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

Today was the grand opening of the Phoenix Metro Light Rail. John, Jason and I walked to our local station to check out the train while it still has that new car smell. Guess who else wanted to check it out.

EVERYONE!!!!

Any more people and we are gonna need a lubricant here.

Other photos are on Facebook and Flickr.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

2008 has been one roller-coaster of a ride with lots of ups and a few very significant downs. Being laid off before the holiday, I told my friends immediately, "I'm not doing Christmas. I'll catch you next year." It was an easy decision to make. After all, there ain't no money coming in, so I'm pretty Ebenezer-like with the money going out. Everyone, of course, understood and respected my request to not receive gifts since I couldn't reciprocate.

I've never been a big fan of Christmas. There's plenty I do like about it. I have a few gigs of holiday music in my iTunes. I love seeing everything lit up with twinkling lights. And of course, who doesn't like Christmas cookies? But as for the rest of it, I could do without. I've always felt the financial crunch when it comes to gift giving. I've felt spread thin with time commitments and been to plenty of parties that made my social anxiety rear its ugly head. I feel getting sick on Christmas last year was a gift of sorts. It let me spend all day sleeping on the sofa, eat Chinese food and watch crap reality TV.

But a funny thing happened this year. Canceling Christmas took all of the pressure off. I've enjoy every party I've attended. I've been able to spend quality time with people I love. And I've kept my sanity by not spending one second shopping during the retail hell season. It's been very refreshing to actually enjoy the season.

The best thing is, I think I've appreciated this year and all I've gone through more because of it. Overall, this year's been a rough one, especially the last several weeks, many of which I spent sick to my stomach with worry and uncertainty. But this year, during this holiday season, I've felt truly blessed.

I don't throw that word around lightly. It has all sorts of heavenly, Jesus-fied implications that I don't subscribe to, but there is truly no other word I can use to describe what I feel.

My friends have been wonderful throughout this difficult time. Whether it be a call, an email, an instant message, whatever. It's always good to know someone is thinking about you. Even people I've never met, people who visit this site, have been very kind sending me encouraging emails and best wishes. A few of Santa's helpers banned together to send me some Christmas cheer that brought tears to my eyes. I have been deeply moved by the generosity of everyone. I've never felt so much love. You are all awesome. Your support helped make this difficult time a lot easier.

This Christmas has also brought some work my way. I've accepted a temp job that starts after the New Year. It's the first time I've done contract to hire work and I think it's a good fit. Of course, having income will be nice again. Papa needs some new shoes. Plus, I won't have to have my mail forwarded to my car after all. Very good news indeed.

However you choose to spend the holiday, I hope it is a great one. Thank you for being you.

Peace,
Brian

Comments (8)
Permalink | File Under: Life

The holiday parties continued this weekend. And so did the crafts. I went with John to his friend Mike's to make gingerbread/graham cracker houses.

And now I present to you the fruits of our labor.

Here's mine.

For the record, those are topiaries in front of the house. Although, Mike claimed it was very Lord of the Flies looking.

Here's John's.

Welcome to Haus Bukkake. I think John used half the bowl of icing on his lovely A-frame house.

Here's Mason's.

We are borg.

Actually, I think it looks a little like Homer's house.

Mike was still working on his house. Very meticulous, that one. But it was shaping up quite nicely.

This is Shawn's house.

A double wide trailer complete with an outhouse, fallen over snow man and half dead front lawn. White trash is the new black. It reminds me of one of my favorite holiday songs.

It's a scientific fact that all the best holiday songs have the word tampon in them.

Other photos are on Facebook and Flickr.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Homer's party was a ton of fun. Lots of great food, even greater people and lots of crafts to make.

Decorating cookies is always a fun table.

It was nice to get to catch up with Ray and Cobban. Check out Ray's mistletoe tie.

I made a special card that reminded me of my childhood.

I wonder who'll receive this extra special card.

There are more photos on Flickr. Happy Holidays!

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

I'm in Tucson, helping Homer get his house ready for his holiday party tomorrow. Homer hurt his ankle so he's having some trouble getting around. Frozen foods help.

Homer likes real trees and shit. I like the idea of them. My allergies aren't big fans.

While I hung the lights on the tree, Homer made a wreath for the kitchen with lemons and pine cones. He's the Tucson Martha Stewart. Forrest came over and we made a wreath for the living room mirror.

'Tis the season, yo.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

First things first. Kyle wants to see my 6th photo on the 6th page on my Flickr account. So here it is.

My beautiful friends, Kandice and Kristin, at the recent nationwide protest for gay rights.

Speaking of the continuing fight for gay rights, I encourage you all to send President-Elect Obama a postcard thanking him for his promises to the LGBTQ community and reminding him repeal DOMA.

Thanks for the meme, Kyle.

I'm not feeling very holiday-ish so no festive banner this year, but one more reflective of how I am feeling.

Yesterday, I was in a big funk. I felt numb. All I wanted to do was sleep.

That afternoon, I received a thoughtful and encouraging email from someone who reads my blog. It really made a difference and lifted my mood.

Thank you kind sir.

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Permalink | File Under: Banners, Blogging, Depression, Life

Denver was lovely. It was good to see Thomas and spend time with him. I miss him dearly. The snow was nice and it wasn't really that freezing. In fact, I had to take the lining out of my super duper new coat because it wasn't nearly cold enough for all those layers.

Friday, Thomas took me for a short tour of Denver University's campus. And showed me these creepy benches that look like lips.

File them under: WTF!? Could they be more creepy? Why yes they can! They talk too.

For most of the weekend, Thomas and I just hung out, watched it snow and ate carbs. The rest of the time, I forced him to watch ALL EIGHTEEN EPISODES of Freaks and Geeks and other DVDs, including Paprika which I think blew his mind. Three words: Animated vaginal fisting.

To quote Valerie Cherish's Aunt Sassy, "I don't need to see that!"

On my last day, I watched this little guy hanging around while the snow melted.

Cute, right?

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos, Thomas

I know I said I wanted it to snow while I was in Denver, but gee whiz. I say a lot of things.

Thomas and I drove to Red Rock today but when we realized we were the only people on the road not in a four-wheel drive, we just took a brief look and then followed this guy home.

He's my hero for today.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos, Thomas

I haven't seen snow since 1998. Eeee!!!

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

What? Was no tofurkey available?

It was a lovely meal of sides/carbs. I am happy to report that you can make a bitch's Corn Casserole Yumminess in the Mile-Hile City.

After dinner, I crashed. Traveling always makes me sleepy. Later, I forced Thomas into watching six episodes of Freaks and Geeks, so I'd say it was a pretty super holiday.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos, Thomas

When I'm stressed out, it all goes straight to my stomach which is really not good when you have diverticulitis. Monday, I started having the tell-tale horrible stomach cramps that accompany such flare ups. Then last night, I had a fever.

Oh joy.

I predicted this would happen so I had my doctor prescribe and fill my meds while I still have insurance.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Denver to visit Thomas for a the weekend. We had planned this trip a while ago, so I might as well still take it. I think it will be good to get away for a short time. Even though I will most likely turn into a popsicle the moment my feet touch the cold Colorado soil. Thomas informs me that on Thanksgiving, it is supposed to be in the 40s and that I should, "wear an outfit we can set afire to keep you warm on way to the house."

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Thomas, Unemployment

When I parked my car, I smelled pot in the parking lot. Once inside, I passed two guys who reeked of beer in the waiting area. It was around 10 AM.

I need a Silkwood Shower® STAT.

It was quick visit. I was in and out in ten minutes. Amazingly, there was no one in line even though the place was packed. The not-so-necessarily-nice lady behind the desk asked me if I used the website to file my claim. I told her I did but it wouldn't let me complete it. Then she chastised me for not having a Kreskin like ability to understand the intricacies of their website.

Hey. I have an idea, lady. Why don't YOU hire me to make your website easier to understand and use? How about that?

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

Now, what can I buy with 31 cents?

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

I was driving around yesterday and saw a K-Mart and decided to stop to buy a couple things I needed. Huge yellow and red signs announced its closing. "Everything must go!" Discounts galore.

It was eerie seeing the shelves barely filled with merchandise or completely empty.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that her company laid off a bunch of people. I've had many friends tell me the same about their companies. When I look on job posting sites, the pickings are very slim. I think I applied for the same job four times already. I imagine job recruiters and headhunters are pretty hard up now too so they are all trying to fill the same position.

Everyone keeps telling me, "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll have a new job soon."

I'm not so sure.

When I was laid off in May, I was a teensy bit freaked out, but otherwise pretty confident something would turn up quickly. And luckily, it did.

Six months later, the economy is in the toilet, companies are laying off tons of people and filing for bankruptcy and more and more businesses are shutting down completely. There are lots of empty shelves out there.

And when I listen to the news, I hear experts say, this is only the beginning.

The beginning?

I won't lie. I'm worried. Very worried.

I guess I'm lucky that I was able to pay off all my debt before this happened, so really, my only expenses are to keep are roof over my head and basic necessities like electricity and food. But to be completely honest, that just pisses me off. I've been looking forward to having some financial freedom for so long. And now I have no steady income. Zilch. And no tangible prospects.

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. Not because I wanted to spend lots of money but because there's a real difference in buying the gift you want to give to someone you love or care about opposed to getting the gift you can afford.

And spare the me "Christmas is not about giving or getting stuff" lecture. I already know that, but you know what... IT IS partially about that.

I've been reassessing my budget this week. Determining what is my bare bones minimum and what can I cut. Do I really need Netflix? Can I afford to keep my gym membership.

It's been hard putting on a brave or even remotely happy face. Fortunately, I have great friends who are able to pull me out of the funk and make me smile and laugh. Even if it's just a phone call, email or instant message. Before it gets too dark, I am reminded that I am loved. That gets me through another day.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

In general, Phoenix is politically lazy. It's hard to get people fired up and more difficult bringing people together for a common cause. Blame it on the suburban sprawl or inert apathy, or heck, blame it on the heat. Whatever it is, it's not every day when the people take to the streets.

So to see almost two thousand people banned together to support civil rights, is quiet an achievement. That number may seem small compared to our population, but trust me. For this area, that's huge.

I am so happy that Homer came up from Tucson to go with me. Being Mr. Popularity, he of course ran into a bunch of people he knew, including Frank.

One thing that bothers me about this movement is racial divide I see being promoted based on the media's ad nauseum reporting about exit polls showing 70% of African-Americans voted for Proposition 8 in California.

First, let me say this. The media is full of shit. This is not the first time they have beat a story – that's not really a story – to death over and over because it's either a slow news day or just to make something sound much bigger than it is because they are in it for the ratings.

Exit polls are notoriously an inaccurate representation of what's really going on. They survey a small percentage of voters after they leave their polling place. Many times it have been proven to be faulty data but the media treats it like pure unquestionable science.

I repeat, the media is full of shit.

There were many different categories of voters polled during the election that were either close to or over 70%. The media singling out the black polling data is not only racist in of itself but it's also race baiting. Shame on them.

During the numerous speeches at today's protest, one speaker, a state senator, specifically pointed out that African-American ministers directed their congregates to vote for Proposition 8 & 102. Hey guess what. LOTS of preachers, ministers and priests spoke from the pulpit in favor of these measures. Shame on them but moreover shame on YOU, Mr. Representative, for focusing on the black preachers in today's speech.

Ugh. Rant over. (For now.)

Despite this, I am encouraged by what I saw today. I saw a polarized, historically apathetic community respond with passion, vigor and unity. I saw people of all shapes, sizes, colors and types joining together for the good fight. It was in so many ways a beautiful day.

Many photos are on Flickr or can be viewed below.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos, Ranting, Raving

I've been working on the photos from the All Souls Procession all day and I just got them finished but haven't uploaded them yet. I'll get them uploaded and posted tomorrow.

Tonight, there was a vigil for the passing of Proposition 102 in Phoenix at the same location the protest was.

I have to say, I was a little put off by this vigil. I kept saying that it looks like we are mourning. What we need to do it get our protest on. STAT. We need to be angry and show it (peacefully of course) because having a couple hundred people stand around with candles just doesn't send the right message.

And how much to you want to bet that since it's November sweeps, when the news stations report the vigil, the main images will be the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Ugh. There is a time and place for everything and this ain't no fucking pride parade.

Luckily, we will get to send the right message this weekend.

On the plus side, I finally got to meet the über cutie Jonbers.

Am I right ladies?

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting

Look! It's Amy!

Yesterday I had lunch with Amy, Megan and cutie patootie Piper at Switch.

Last night, I watched The Invisible so you don't have to. DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE. For reals. It's SOFA KING bad. It's not even bad in a good way. It's bad in a "I will never get that hour and forty-two minutes of my life back" way.

Marcia Gay Harden must have needed to make some mortgage payments or something because I can't fathom why she would choose to be in this movie.

Did I mention it's bad?

Today, I'm off to Tucson to see Homer and Sandy and get my paradin' on at the All Souls Procession.

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Today I attempted the impossible. For Thanksgiving, I'm going to Denver to visit Thomas. Word is it gets kinda cold there and since I like my balls and don't want them to freeze off, I need a coat. The problem is I live in the desert where I've never needed a coat. Ever. Not once in eleven years.

After a couple stores I came up empty (plus they all smelled like feet) and then I realized I needed to go to that mecca of coats: Burlington Coat Factory. Ever been to one? Here's what it is like. Imagine all the merchandise of four retail clothing stores crammed into one. That's pretty much what it's like.

After wading through racks and racks of coats, I think I found something that might work. Or at least will slow down me getting hypothermia over the holiday weekend.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Yay! It's Friday... w00t!

This week has been SO full of emotional highs and lows. Sick cat. Shiny new president. A bit of anger. Ugh. I need a drink.

Speaking of the sick kitteh... he's doing so much better. Right now he's sitting on my lap trying to type th,ltg l;dl,. The little fucker. I'd say he's about 90% better. Once he hacks up a hairball on my bed, I'll know he's at 100%.

I think this weekend calls for some good times. Tomorrow I'm having lunch with Megan and Amy. They both rock. Sunday I'm going to Tucson for the All Souls Procession with Homer. He rocks too.

Tonight, I'm ODing on the Josh Rouse Bedroom Archives catalog. His music just makes me happy. I wish there was a better YouTube video for "Come Back (Light Therapy)" but I'll settle for this performance of "It's the Nighttime" at the Austin City Limits Festival.

I so need to go to that festival next year.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Music

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come,
Oh yes, it will.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Banners, Life, Music

Yay! It's election day. Be sure to get out and vote. Just don't incessantly twitter about it. For reals. Being cute only gets you so far with that shit.

Other voting fun on cheap blue guitar:

• Democracy Hurts
• Kiss My Butt
• An Important Message from Elliott

PS - Elliott is doing a LOT better today. Whew.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I have a headache. I used to never get headaches ever. Rarely ever took aspirin. Now I get headaches all the time. Don't drink enough water. Headache. Stay in the sun too long. Headache. Watch wingnut Victoria Jackson have national air time to discuss politics. (WTF!?) Headache.

It could be from caffeine withdrawal. I found myself this week drinking WAY more diet soda that I usually do. I really need to cut diet soda out completely. Plus, I always thought iced tea had very little caffeine in it. WRONG! Turns out it's loaded with tasty, blood-pumping caffeine.

Or maybe it's the suspicious smell of incense wafting from my neighbor's place.

Gag.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Um, like didn't we already vote about this a couple years ago. Aren't there more pressing issues to deal with today? Apparently some people just aren't satisfied unless they are hatin' on the gays.

Proposition 102 is a needless distraction and a painfully obvious divisive measure. If you live in Arizona, please vote no on 102. Tell your politicians to stop wasting their time with discriminatory bullshit like 102 and do what they were elected to do.

Other pictures from today's No on 102 rally are on Flickr.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Lately, every time I think about blogging something, I think, "Meh. I'll do it later." Then later slowly evolves into "Oh, it's too late for that," or "Meh. Fuck it." I'm not really suffering writer's block, just a profound aversion to sharing.

It happens.

So here are a couple of things I never got around to posting this month. Better late than never. Right?

More proof of what a procrastinator I am. Earlier this spring, Robbie asked me if I'd like to write something for Womenfolk. A few months later, I finally got around to doing it. If you'd like to see me pretend to be a music critic, check out my review of Amy Ray's new album.

While you are there, check out Robbie's new site design. His work is always flawless. I bow to his design greatness.

Two weeks ago, I called my final creditor in my debt management program to see if my last payment to them cleared. After I confirmed it did, I called the debt management program and reported my zero balance thus completing my five long years (plus a few months) with their program to become debt free. FIVE LONG YEARS.

After she updated her system, she read from a script, "Congratulations on completing the program." My response? "YAY!!!!! Go me!" That made her laugh and I could hear her smile. After I got off the phone with her, I did my OMFG I'M FINALLY DEBT FREE dance.

A friend of mine came over to jump my dead battery. When I popped the hood open, I saw schmootz all over my engine from the radiator. I took my car to the shop and was given a list detailing the problems with my death trap on four wheels. Seven hundred dollars later, all was well.

So I got to enjoy being debt free for about three whole hours. Ugh.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Yesterday, Dyanna, her mom Sylvia, The Greg® and I went to the Arizona State Fair. It was great fun but SOFA KING hot out. Bleah. Seriously. When is Not Summer going to begin?

They had a million deep fried on a stick option. The Greg had deep-fried crocodile bites. I'll say that again for empahsis. DEEP-FRIED CROCODILE BITES!

I opted for deep-fried dill pickles since I couldn't find deep-fried cheese on a stick.

Then we got to the real reason for attending a state fair.

Jackpot.

I still can't figure out how one deep-fries M&M's. It defies logic.

I had a deep-fried moon pie which sounded good at the time but was actually kinda gross.

And see all that powdered sugar? It gets on EVERYTHING! Note to self: NO powdered sugar.

Check out the rest of the photos on Flickr.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

I spent the weekend in Tucson visiting Homer. He says he's smiling in this picture.

Oh, and check out Homer's new ride.

I bet this baby gets great gas mileage.

We had a fun weekend playing with his many cats, shopping at dollar stores and making fun of rich conservatives.

As for the rest of the weekend, it started with this...

and ended with this...

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

A celebratory balloon. Sorta.

"I've been thinking about moving."

This is a conversation Thomas and I have been having for a while now. Now that his dissertation is THIS CLOSE to being done, he's been looking for work at various universities. As for me, I just have wanderlust.

The desert has been good to me, but it's never felt like home. I'm not sure any place will, but I can't see myself here for the rest of my life.

My Big Fat Debt® is almost paid off and I will owe no one anything after that, so the idea of saving money over next year and looking around for a new city to live, seems like a good prospect.

So, today at lunch with Thomas, I started my usual thinking out loud, "I've been thinking about moving," again.

"Wanna move to Denver?"

He was offered a position there. Being so close to the beginning of the new term, that means he is moving very soon. Too soon.

I've been saying goodbye to too many people this year. Moving seem in the cards.

But where? I'm open to suggestions.

Comments (12)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Thomas

This is what my friend Kristin gave me for my birthday. You remember Kristin, right? She writes a blog about living a healthier lifestyle called Healthy or Bust.

This gift is emphasis on the bust. And not this bust either.

If you look closely you'll see a chocolate bar with Pop Rocks. Yes, you read that right. Chocolate and Pop Rocks. What is this world coming to?

I ate it this afternoon and all I'll say is the phrase "party in my mouth," has never been so apropos.

If you look even more closely, you'll see some Batman bubble bath. Batman smells like cherries. Who knew?

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life

They really went all out for my birthday at work.

Okay people. Brace yourselves. This is what 39 looks like.

Scary, huh? I didn't blur the photo by the way. My camera's flash is starting to crap out. (Hey Oprah, I'm still waiting.)

In celebration of my final year of my third decade, I present you with this special hand-crafted birthday mix. Enjoy!

And if that's not enough, there is also this little gem. (Thanks Nicole!)

Comments (12)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Music, Photos

I woke up yesterday morning unable to move. When I get body aches, I get body aches. Bleah. I seem to be coming down with a summer cold. Double bleah. I left work a tad early and took a sweaty nap when I got home. Triple bleah.

I feel a lot better this morning, but am still taking it easy. Heavy doses of cookies and season two of How I Met Your Mother on DVD have been administered. And if those don't work, I have prescription of Doritos I can try.

The suckiest part is that I've missed the gym for two days now. I know right? Your jaw is like, totally on the floor that I'm actually GOING to the gym. And going to the gym on a REGULAR basis.

Trust me. I'm just as freaked out by it as you are. I'm going so much that it's to the point that the staff now knows me (and not just because of what happened when I first joined) and says things like, "See you tomorrow."

See. You. Tomorrow.

Srsly.

Now MY jaw is on the floor.

Hopefully, I'll feel a-okay to go tomorrow. I have some cookies to burn off.

In other news: Mike got his package.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Damn you Homer for singing that I Kissed a Girl song by Katy Perry to me OVER and OVER! Curiosity got the better of me so I checked out the video and I've watched it a few hundred times. Grr.
Bastard.

It's that time of the year when all I want to do is stay inside with the A/C on full blast, turn the fan directly on me and snuggle with a bag of ice while watching Gilmore Girls over and over.

(Hey. Did you know that Hiro dude from Heroes was on Gilmore Girls during season two when Lorelia & Rory took a road trip to Harvard?)

Actually, this summer hasn't been that bad. (I will probably regret uttering that statement.) It's only been the last couple of weeks that the heat started bothering me and the oh so fun headaches began. The other evening, I walked down the street to the postbox and it was downright pleasant out.

In the spirit of this rambling stream of consciousness, I offer this screen shot from Facebook.

Two sunburnt statuses from non-connected friends. Weird, right? My guess is Homer's skin is shedding as punishment for getting that damn song stuck in my head!

Speaking of Facebook, I invite you to become a fan of my blog. I'm all about the shameless self-promotion.

And with that, I leave you with the original catchy wannabe lesbian song.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Blogging, Life, Sharing

I'll give you a hint.

It was SHITASTIC!

Comments (11)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I received a call from the membership director after my not-so-fun experience trying to join the YMCA. She was very nice and apologetic so I agreed to meet with her and ended up joining after all.

I had written a letter of complaint, my first ever, however she told me she heard about what happened via email first. I was a surprised to hear this. Later in the week, I received a message from my mystery emailer who read about it on my blog. I want to thank said reader for alerting the higher ups to my experience there. It is very much appreciated.

Suddenly, I feel drunk with power. Am I now a blogging force to be reckoned with? Am I like those influential, all-powerful Mommy Bloggers®? Should I start posting links to products I endorse and my massive traffic of faithful readers will crash those sites by overloading their allotted bandwidth?

Um, yeah. Not likely. When I look at my blog stats, the text, "Bitch, please," comes up flashing in red.

And I am perfectly okay with that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have lots of cheesy, cardio-inducing pop songs to add to my iPod for my first workout.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life

It's only 9:30 PM and I'm already ready for bed. Ugh. Getting up and going to work is like, hard. And I have to say, this being employed thing... it's kind of for the birds.

So kidding. My first day was very nice. Orientation here. Tour there. My mean old boss treated me to lunch.

After work, Thomas and I had dinner at that chain pasta place where the servers write their name in crayon on your table upside down. We decided to write ours upside down too.

Like we are going to write our real names at Macaroni Grill. Pshaw!

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

This month's banner is in celebration of my new job. You may need to bypass your cache to see the ch-ch-ch-changes.

Today my friends Deek and Matt left Arizona. Matt is going back to his hometown, Chicago and Deek is moving to a far away mythical land known as Columbus, Ohio. I am going to miss them both very much.

Lots of things are changing lately and I must admit, it's a tad disconcerting at times. Unemployment. Loved ones leaving. Sucky new addition to the Indiana Jones franchise. All things I could do without, but I'm determined to find the good in these changes and embrace them.

Like, I have a new job I'm excited about. I have two new places to visit when I want to retreat the horrid summer. And, well, at least I didn't go see Speed Racer.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Banners, Friends, Life

No, I'm not stoned. I had an eye appointment this morning to use my eye care allowance up before my insurance expires at the end of the month.

I have a great eye doctor. He's very thorough but also explains what every test is for and what the results mean. All good information even though my brain always processes it as: YOU ARE GETTING OLD AND GOING BLIND MORE AND MORE EVERY DAY.

After my eyes were dilated, I was asked if I had sunglasses with me. I said they were in the car. So I paid and headed to my car and the minute I stepped out of the shade OMFG it's so freaking bright out! I made it to the car after almost colliding into a bicyclist on the side walk and drove home with no problem.

My phone rang but I couldn't see who it was. Usually I would let it go to voicemail, but I'm glad I answered because...

IT WAS A JOB OFFER!

In two weeks, I will once again be a productive member of society.

Again, I want to reiterate how grateful I am for all your comments, emails, instant messages and phone calls. Your support has meant the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, what the hell am I going to do for the next two weeks?

Comments (15)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

Oy. Looking for a job is exhausting. Srsly.

Monday I was at it from 8:30 AM to after 11 PM with breaks for eating, doing dishes and eventually showering. I say eventually because the sun was down when I finally got around to it and the cat was looking at me like, "Hey man... are you gonna like do something about that stank already?"

It has been very productive so far. I had a meeting today and have interviews scheduled for Thursday and Friday, so wish me luck.

I want to thank EVERYONE for all the great comments, suggestions and job leads. Your support has meant so much to me. I'm not sure I could adequately express how much. Every time I get a new comment, or email or phone call it reminds me what I love about this community we call blogging and I am continually humbled by your kindness. Thank you.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

Guess who was laid off the day before his two year anniversary.

After the woman I'd never met from corporate HR explained my severance package and services to me, she commented on my calm, relaxed demeanor.

"It's not my first time."

I mean, don't get me wrong... it sucks. Totally sucks. Especially since I really, really loved this job. It was an awesome place to work with really cool, talented people and the work was interesting, fun and challenging. I learned a lot working there and I'll miss my colleagues.

But life goes on. I do have a bit of a time crunch with how long my severance will last. My last severance package was much more generous and afforded me a few months to look for work.

So, I'll probably save my freak out for after my severance runs out but for now all energies are focused on finding a new job.

With the exception of this weekend. I think copious amounts of booze are in order.

Comments (14)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

I hate when I run out of everything. I drove around all weekend marking items off my list, filling my trunk and watching my bank account dwindle. Super fun! All of it was necessary stuff. Well, except for the toy sushi. That was just for fun and I think I can justify spending 88¢.

See that box in the lower right hand corner. That box contains an ultrasonic, cool mist humidifier but you can call it by the name I've given it: THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.

That humidifier was my main reason for shopping. With the dry air and my ever-shrinking sinuses, I am in desperate need for some nighttime hydration. Humidifiers are pretty common so you'd think they'd be easy to find.

WRONG.

Well, strike that. WRONG unless you want one shaped like a penquin, a frog, a cow, SpongeBob Squarepants or Hello Kitty.

My top three requirements were 1) cool mist and 2) ultrasonic and 3) not meant for a nursery. Seems simple enough. WRONG. After going to (count them) nine stores I was this close to getting one of the kiddie humidifiers, but I could just picture this future scenario.

Me: Take off your pants.
Him: What is that?
Me: Oh, that's just HumidiPig. Ignore him.

Apparently, the entire Valley of the Sun is sold out of adult cool mist, ultrasonic humidifiers. (Well, unless you want to pay $300+ for one. The beyond in Bed, Bath & Beyond stands for "beyond my means.") So I compromised and bought one that has a fake aquarium with colored lights.

Once I got home, I set it up and promptly feel asleep. But, at least the air was finally cool and moist.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life

At last night's Yelp event, I asked Korina why everyone's name tag had their first name and last initial. It is because that's how you are identified on the site, but I think there is something deeper there. It's to prepare you for your first meeting at Alcoholics Anonymous.

So, yeah. I had a little to drink last night. For the record, I feel perfectly fine this morning. In fact, I had an awesome night's sleep. I may have to give this getting wasted thing a try again.

And if you are curious about these Tidy Bowltinis, here is a photo of one I took just before pouring it down my gullet. And yes, that is the Tootsie Roll representing poo at the bottom of the glass.

Ah geez... I drunk commented on this picture last night. I was a very busy boy.

To all the people who received drunk dials, drunk voicemails, drunk text messages, drunk instant messages, drunk twitters and other forms of communications technology has enabled drunk people to use, I apologize. None of you seemed to mind. And yes, I do remember them all. Mostly.

Phone call to Julie.

Julie: When you are sober, I need to talk to you about something important.
Me: Yeah. Now would not be the time for that.

Instant messaging with The Greg®

Me: who was eleminated from a merica's next top model
The Greg: Uh, you're asking the wrong person.
Me: drunk twitterin ftw

Phone call to Deek who is moving across the country in two weeks.

Me: I love you and am going to miss you. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trashed.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Last night I arrived at Thomas's for our ritual Friday Night Dinner® (Just like the Gilmores, only with less judgement) and SciFi channel palooza. I walked in with a canvas bag filled with markers, stickers and index cards. I held it up and exclaimed, "I brought us something to do!" He looked a little worried.

We made Hope Notes that will be distributed to girls living in Rwanda. You can read about how hopeREVO got involved in this here and here.

If you have time to make your own Hope Notes and get them in the mail by Monday, May 5th so they can be compiled and all mailed on May 14th, that would be awesome.

Also, if you could keep Odette and her daughters in your thoughts during this very difficult time, that would be equally awesome.

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos, Sharing

Tip of the day. When your hosting company emails you about a php upgrade and the email reads like Charlie Brown's teacher sounds because you don't know crap about php and rather think about it you instead obsess about why the current cycle of America's Next Top Model sucks balls, don't ignore that email and think, "I'll deal with this later."

When later happens, your site goes boom.

So. Not. Fun.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

When I sit down to write lately, my writing is either full of anger or maudlin pathos. Mostly, because that's what I've been feeling for a while: pissed, worn out and melancholy.

I know one shouldn't stifle those feelings and trust me when I tell you, there ain't nothing stifled about me lately. People know I'm going through some shit. It shows. And I also know there is a relief to letting it out, even on a blog. But right now, I don't want to be that guy. (Not that that's stopped me before.)

And really... who wants to read that kind of crap any way?

So instead I've been going through an exercise today. Today is about focusing on those moments that pull me away from that cluttered, noisy room. The moments I see light from the outside, breaking in through the dirty windows.

It can be a song on my iPod so compelling that makes me stop and listen. The combination of the warm sun and cool breeze on my skin as I walk outside. A smile from a stranger. Watching my cat sleep.

Rosie O'Donnell calls it yellow. Until today, I never understood what she meant by it. But now I get it.

When I find myself in those moments, I stop and relish it. Submerse myself in it. Let it work its mojo on me.

And for that moment, I'm no longer tired. No longer angry. No longer sad.

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Depression, Drawings, Life, Sharing

My allergies had other plans for me this weekend. Those plans mainly involved sneezing non stop and being a cranky bitch. I tried Zyrtec. I didn't react to it too badly but I think limiting my exposure to it would be a wise move.

The weekend wasn't a total waste. I did manage to do laundry and get my hair buzzed.

Usually, I pass on the wearing of green on St. Patrick's Day. It's kind of a stupid thing really. But this green t-shirt was calling out to me today. I blame the Zyrtec.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Homer gave me these little dangly drink adornments to make my iced tea a bit more festive. Party in my mouth and Luzianne is invited!

Shit ya'll. I don't know about you but the weekend can not get here any sooner. This week has been brutal and I am in serious need of a siesta. T G I Mofo F!

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I should be out the door and on my way to work right now, but I'm not. Why? Because it's Taking My Sweet Ass Time Monday™* — a day when we celebrate not caring what the clock says.

Taking My Sweet Ass Time Monday™ is the little sister of I Didn't Do Jack Shit All Day Sunday® and Seriously, It's Only Tuesday? Tuesday®.

For all of you suckers lovely people still moaning and groaning about losing an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time, I encourage you to embrace Taking My Sweet Ass Time Monday™.

Relax. Take a few minutes just for you this morning. The world's not going to end if you are late.† I promise.

* Apparently my server is taking its sweet ass time today too because it took forever to post this.

† Brian and cheapblueguitar.com are not responsible if you are fired over tardiness.

Comments (7)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I came home early from work because I felt like crap. I self medicated with a vigorous dose of simple carbs, Netflix and then slept it off. I woke up feeling much better.

Homer was in town for work so we went out for pasta.

The pasta was okay but kind of meh.

Homer had some cake. I declined on having dessert since I ate cookies for lunch but I had a taste. It was super chocolatey and moussey.

Our server thought it was weird we were taking pictures of our food. Srsly? She's never seen this before? The internet is filled with people taking pictures of their food.

As we left, she asked if I wanted to take her picture.

Sure lady. Whatever floats your boat.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

What a beautiful day! It was the kind of day that demanded you put on some shorts, pasty legs be damned, and spend some of it outside.

I aired up the tires and rode my bike around the neighborhood today. It's been so long since I last rode my bike, I forgot how much fun it is.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

How is it that I've never blogged on Leap Year's Day? Oh right... I was too busy clawing my way out of depression and hopped up on delicious painkillers.

Silly me.

It is a gorgeous day here in Phoenix. Too gorgeous to sit at a computer under fluorescent lighting redesigning (yet again) the same project I've been working on for a couple weeks.

I ♥ clients. </sarcasm>

I'd rather be outside taking a walk and soaking up some pleasant sunshine. Maybe I'll finally fix my bicycle this weekend so I can take a ride around the neighborhood.

Of course, doing so will cause a sneezing fit and itchy eyes. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

*sigh*

I'm putting up the new banner today. Those of you on Internet Explorer may see some random wonkiness in the header graphic. I started to tweak the CSS to see if I could fix it, but then I decided to not bother because you SHOULDN'T BE USING IE! Get a real effin' browser already for chrissakes.

Geesh!

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Permalink | File Under: Banners, Life

That's how much weight I gained after losing thirty pounds last year. Not too bad, I suppose. Honestly, I thought it was more. After being the food nazi for so long (No Sugar! Only Brown Rice! That has too much fat! OMFGBBQ!!) I indulged in the holidays and found solace in some simple carb delights. However, I have no intention of gaining all that weight back so it's back to business. I've done pretty well so far and already dropped six pounds even with the addition of a cheat night.

Monday, I went to the movies with John and Jason. John brought me a little something back from his recent trip home.

That's two pounds of candy, my friends. TWO FREAKIN' POUNDS.

Welcome to the Idaho Candy Company's diabetes in a box.

Seriously. That's a hella lot of sugar. And see that butter toffee? It's made with real butter. (*drools*) There should be laws governing that kind of thing.

My next cheat night is going to be very nice. Thanks John!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Me: I took a Claritin and now I feel all whoooooooaa.
Ricker: Ooh. Claritin is your friend.
Me: More like my drinking buddy.
Ricker: Who takes you to the bad places, buys you cheap drinks and leaves you there.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Our six-week winter has ended and Spring® has sprung bringing with it all the delights of the season: non-stop sneezing, runny nose, watery eyes and general throbbing in my sinus region. Usually I try to soldier through as best I can but at some point I eventually give in and take an antihistamine even though I know how it will make me feel.

And oh sweet Jesus... did that Claritin ever knock me on my ass. I've been in a fog all day. It's like him hyper-aware of everything around me however I also feel sluggish like wading through a lake of hair gel.

Tis the season.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

My painting arrived today. Yay!

It's even more awesome looking in person. Now... how in the heck do I frame it? It's on a flat canvas panel. Any ideas?

For now, I set it on my corner shelf above my other priceless work of art.

I made this a few years ago with Sharpie markers. It's pretty hot, huh? Who needs fancy art training when you've got Sharpies?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last April, I read about artist Ali Spagnola on Drawn! and her plan to give away free commissioned paintings. That's right... FREE!

I emailed her my request saying she could paint whatever she wanted and gave her a list of things I liked.

And then I forgot about it, until today! She emailed me this afternoon with a photo of my painting.

Isn't is awesome? I can't wait to get it. Thanks Ali!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

The good catholics at St. Matthew's didn't appreciate the t-shirt I wore to vote this morning.

"This is a church!" one of them said in shock.

I just smiled. "May I have my ballot please?"

Apparently they are not for clean butts there.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Today was one of those super-duper busy days that just fly by. Those kind of days where around 2 PM you think, "Oh crap, I should probably eat some lunch. And pee." I didn't log into my instant messenger and ignored email for most of the day while I was knee deep in Photoshop and code trying to get CSS to BEND TO MY WILL GAWDDAMNIT!

Whew. So all in all it was a good day. Extremely productive.

The amazing thing about me being so hyper-focused today is I feel like total crap. It seems every time we get a cold snap, my body reacts with a firm DOES NOT WANT and reeks havoc on my immunity.

Plus, it's February. And you know that bitch ain't a friend of mine.

I knew I was in trouble when...

Homer, you may want to stop reading now. I know how much you hate this topic.

...I was using my neti pot and NO WATER would come out of my right nostril. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

My poor sinus is completely collapsed. I'll discuss this with my doctor next time I see him, although I certainly don't look forward to another surgery. The last one was painful enough and my insurance now isn't as generous as I discovered last year after my Valentine's Day colonoscopy.

Man... Februarys really DO suck. And it's a frickin' leap year again. Frak.

Oh well. Four down. Twenty-five to go.

Well, since I'm all about the past links today, I might was well link to my favorite February post. Enjoy!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

The other day when I looked up my old Mondo Beyondo list, do you know what I forgot to do? READ what my list was back then.

D'oh!

So last night, I read it to Thomas and I was pretty amazed to discover that I had accomplished in some way, most of the things I wrote. Okay, so I didn't ever host sock puppet kareoke night and let's face it, I'm NEVER going to become one of those crazy active people who are always doing things like hiking, yoga and stuff. But that, of course, is not the point of Mondo Beyondo. You are supposed to think BIG. Think impossible and my favorite, think dangerously. What scares you? Frightens you? Creeps into your comfort zone? What truly challenges you?

All that said, I did accomplish some of my list. I did do some freelance work here and there and in my own way, I've created a family of friends I rely on.

But here's the best one. Number four. I am THIS close to being debt free! THIS CLOSE. Last year, I watched several balances fall to zero. After all this time, it's such an amazing feeling to finally see the debt free light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, last Friday I decided to just up and pay off my final student loan. Now they owe me twelve cents! (Pay up Sallie Mae!)

After reading my old list, I was even more excited to make a new Mondo Beyondo. So here goes:

• I will go to California and see the other ocean. (Can you believe I've lived in Arizona for ten years and STILL haven't been to California?)

• I will make my apartment a home.

• I will ride my bike, explore my neighborhood and meet who's in my neighborhood.

• I will talk to strangers.

• I will create things that are not made of pixels.

• I will really listen when others speak.

• I will reach out to people I admire.

• I will invite someone dangerous to tea.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Lists, Mondo Beyondo, Sharing

Really? Has it really been since 2004 that I last did a Mondo Beyondo? Oy. Where does the time go?

Mondo Beyondo is all about celebrating what's to come and what CAN be.

One of my favorite things Alden has ever said is:

"I don't make resolutions because a resolution to me is like an ending, and right now, I'm all about beginnings."

Smart dude, that Alden. The new year is a new start. It's all fresh with new car smell. What we should truly resolve is what the previous year was, whether it was awesome, sucked or just kinda meh.

And that's what part one is all about: Completing.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

Well, first, I celebrate losing thirty pounds. Go me.

In 2007 I really defined myself professionally for the first time. Although I've been working on websites for about eight years and as a web designer since 2006, I would never call myself a web designer because I didn't feel I earned or even deserved that title. After all, I've never been formally trained as a web designer or have a degree in design. That's always made me feel less than. But this past year, I decided that is a just bunch of coddleswap because goddamnit I AM a freakin' web designer. And a pretty good one too.

I made the choice to change my living situation. That may seem like a silly thing for a mid-to-late thirties adult to say, but think about it: Julie and I lived together for nine years. I know plenty of marriages and relationships that haven't lasted half that. We lived together for so long because we were comfortable doing so. We formed our own little family. Breaking that up was a scary thing to do, but ultimately, it was for the best for both of us.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

I forgive myself gaining back seven of those lost pounds. I forgive myself for watching too much television (Seriously. Did I really need to watch EVERY episode of Burn Notice?) and not reading more books. I forgive myself for hibernating all summer and neglecting people. I forgive myself for letting my heart become a tangled mess in places I knew better to let it go. I forgive myself for not sharing what's really going on with those who love me. I forgive myself for not blogging about it.

I grieve the loss of a very dear friendship.

What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Oh 2007, you brought with you many changes. But by the end's year, it was pretty clear where it was all heading. They say, "Everything happens for a reason," and you whispered that in my ear from beginning to end. Turns out, you weren't so bad after all. Thanks. I declare you complete!

2008 is my year of rejuvenation.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Lists, Mondo Beyondo, Sharing

Deek: What's up with this Seattle-esque weather? I feel like I should be not washing my hair, wearing some flannel in the coffee shop and listening to Pearl Jam.

Me: And apparently going back in time to 1992.

Personally, I am loving this weather. Love the grey skies. Love hearing the rain outside when I wake up. Not a big fan of the idiots who don't know how to drive in the rain, but I'll take what I can get, because I am in no hurry for The Inferno® to begin.

**shudders**

Ugh. Just typing about it makes me want to telecommute from somewhere way up north for a few months.

My weekend was spent pumping money into our economy. Day-um. Who knew moving would so expensive? Because of course a new bathmat is in order. And while you're at it, some new coordinating towels would be nice. Not that there's anything wrong with using beach towels, but c'mon. You aren't in college, dude. And oh yeah, you need a dish drainer. And new dishes. And don't forget a Swiffer because you have concrete floors now. And you might was well get some slippers because Brrr! those floors are cold. Oh hell, just buy a new rug.

And there goes my money. Bye bye money.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

This morning, John and I checked out the recently opened Fresh & Easy. John was fresh and you know I'm always easy.

How easy am I? Well, clearly I am very susceptible to marketing because when I saw this, I had to buy it.

Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I'm making an executive decision to stop calling my kitchen small and instead call it cozy.

Tonight I made pizza with pesto, sun-dried tomatoes and Kalamata olives. I may have been a little liberal with the feta cheese.

Elliott has also made an executive decision to have his bed on the sofa. He's unconventional like that.

With all this moving stuff going on, I completely forgot to make any plans for New Year's Eve. So, homemade pizza and Ani DiFranco it is.

I hope you have a happy and safe New Years.

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Permalink | File Under: Elliott, Life

Remember the end of St. Elmo's Fire, when Mare Winningham is talking to Rob Lowe in her new apartment and she says how she made a peanut butter sandwich the night before and she realized it was HER peanut butter and HER bread in HER apartment and it was the best peanut butter sandwich ever?

Something about eating a bowl of soup with a mixing spoon because I have no spoons yet reminded me of that.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

... but it's done. Sorta.

Now to find a place for everything. And figure out which box I put the cat in.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I started moving some stuff in to my apartment today and I noticed the cord for the cable modem.

Hrm... I'm not liking the looks of this.

Since it is possible I may be without internet when I move in tomorrow, I'm going to go ahead and post January's banner tonight. You may need to bypass your cache to see the changes.

Enjoy your weekend and ringing in the New Year!

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Permalink | File Under: Banners, Life

What a whirlwind week this has been. At dinner on Wednesday, Jason mentioned a friend of his knew of an apartment for rent in historic downtown Phoenix. The next morning, I called the landlord to ask about it. He said he would be coming into town that day so I told him I could meet him during lunch to see it.

It's an awesome place. Small, cute and full of personality. All the things I'm not. (Ha!)

Everything about this seemed serendipitous. Next thing I knew, I was signing a lease and writing him a check for the deposit and first month's rent.

So that means HOLY CRAP(!), I'm moving in ONE WEEK. Oy. Luckily, I haven't fully unpacked from the last move. But still my head is spinning with to-do lists, but OMG I am super excited about this move! It's little secret I've been super bummed out living in rural suburbia, despite having the most awesome neighbors in the whole world. I miss living near stuff. Stuff that doesn't smell like industry or Jack In The Box.

So my holiday will be spent knee deep in boxes and packing tape, but I can't think of a better way to celebrate the start of a new year. Did I mention the best part? No roommates! w00t!

And of course, I've already taken the requisite bathroom mirror self pic.

Happy holidays y'all.

PS - Today is Daniel's birthday. Please go show him some love while he's working in the muck and mire of working holiday retail hell.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

• Last week, I received an instant message from a friend of mine. "I am outta the hospital. Just got home." To which I had an Angry Black Bitch moment: Blink. "I didn't know you were in the hospital," I replied. "I didn't wanna worry anyone until it was over." Okay, well... mission not-so-accomplished because now not only am I worried, but I'm also pissed.

• Usually this time of year, I want to crawl under the covers and hide until the new year begins, but oddly enough, I am somewhat enjoying this holiday season. Must be the St. John's Wort.

• I finished my holiday shopping today, with the exception of one gift that I'm likely not going to buy and ship until after Christmas because I'm a rebel like that.

• Tomorrow, I'm going to see Blade Runner with John & Jason. Can you believe I've never seen it?

• Thomas is in the throes of comprehensive exams for his PhD, a sadistic rite of passage Academia® likes to inflict on her students because she is one bad ass mutha who doesn't care if you think she's a bitch. On Thursday, I'm going to stop by to ensure his brain hasn't melted after twenty-four hours of testing.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Lists

There were a whole lotta bloggers at Homer's holiday party.

Cobban, Homer, me, Sandy, Frank and Jim.

There were a whole lotta cookies to be decorated and pipe cleaners to torment Homer's kittehs. And a whole lotta digital cameras going off.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

Yesterday, I did some shopping for work. I gotta tell ya, spending someone else's money is awesome fun. With my own money, I have to be a total Ebenezer otherwise trivial things like electricity don't get paid. Or worse yet, my pantry full of green salsa goes frighteningly under-stocked. And that, my friends, would be very, VERY bad.

After dropping $1000 on electronics, I found myself positively euphoric. There really is an endorphin rush associated with shopping! On my way back to the office, I ran into CVS to pick up a couple things. As I left, a man asked me if I had any spare change because he needed some seizure medication. By seizure medication, I'm pretty sure he meant "booze because I have the shakes."

Still riding the wave of my shopping high, I gave him $5. Happy holidays. Have some store-brand whiskey on me.

For my last post for NaBloPoMo, I'm going to need your help. Yes, YOU!

In the comments, post a question you'd like me to answer. Sounds like one of those lame memes, doesn't it? It is and I don't care! My poor little brain is tired. I think I blogged more this month than I did all summer.

So go ahead. Ask away.

UPDATE: Thanks for your questions. Comments are now closed.

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Permalink | File Under: Elliott, Friends, Life, Photos

I was looking for a notebook I kept thoughts, ideas and doodles over a decade ago. I remember writing lists of things I was grateful for and thought it might be fun looking at them before Thanksgiving tomorrow. I still haven't found it but I did find a journal I kept for a few years when I first moved to Arizona. Flipping through it I ran across this passage.

April 14, 2001

I bought a guitar today. It's a cheap one but it'll do fine. Playing's been sort of like riding a bike. It's all coming back to me. It's a good feeling.

I've been thinking a lot about gratitude lately with the holiday approaching. Of course I'm grateful for the big stuff: loved ones, roof over head, food in my belly, job doing something I love, etc. But what really stands out to me are the little things that punctuate my day-to-day life that make me smile, laugh or touch me. The morning sky. The taste of root beer. Seeing a little old lady in the grocery store smile. Laughter. Even having a cheap, blue guitar to play, just because it feels good.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow. Or just a great Thursday, depending on where you live.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Nostalgia

The exterminator came today and doused my entire home with "perfectly safe" fresh linen scented chemicals. After examining my bed and mattress, he said it's unlikely I have bed bugs, but probably some other insect was FEASTING ON MY BLOOD WHILE I SLEPT.

He asked if I was bitten any more and I owned up that I've been too chicken since I first noticed the bites and have been sleeping on the sofa, which is apparently a huge no-no if you actually do have bed bugs. But I didn't care because every time I got into bed, I could feel my skin crawl and could never fall asleep in anticipation of becoming something's midnight snack.

But now I have the reassurance of a hunky exterminator with a meaty handshake (Hello Sailor!) and a bed soaked in DDT or Raid or whatever, so I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby tonight.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

First I wanted to tell you my fortune from tonight's cookie. It's the best fortune that goes with "in bed" I've ever received.

Good things are being said about you.

I wish.

For a while now, Friday nights have been reserved for Thomas. We have dinner, go get Cold Stone Creamery ice cream,
take it back to his place and discuss the finer points and challenges of the single gay man in the Phoenix metro area. We call it Misery Loves Company Night.

While eating a sensible dinner at Sweet Tomatoes, I noticed several super well-behaved, adorable children dining around us. I pointed out one little boy to Thomas and told him that occasionally, I'll see a kid and I think for a moment that I want one.

Me: When I see a kid like that, it makes my uterus ache.
Thomas: Um. You don't have a uterus... to my knowledge.
Me: My imaginary uterus.
Thomas: Your man uterus?
Me: Yes. My muterus.

Reality check: I know that kids are not in the cards for me. I have enough trouble taking care of myself, let alone a kid. Hell, I stress about having a cat sometimes. And a plant! So, this little branch on my family tree will end with me. But I will admit, there are times I feel the nurturer in me wanting to build some kind of family.

And then the next day I'm reminded why it's not such a good idea. Like this morning when I went get my hair buzzed and there was this little boy getting a haircut. OMG you'd think he was being tortured to death with all the screaming and the crying.

After I left, I called Thomas and left him a message: "The muterus is permanently closed."

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Thomas

I must have had a wild night last night, because I woke up this morning with a stranger in my bed and marks on my body.

Wanna see his picture?

Click here to see how cute he is.

Continue reading "Stranger In My Bed" »

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I met John tonight and introduced him to the culinary delight that is Chino Bandido. In return he showed me his iPhone and I tried my best not to lick it in lust.

That's not a euphemism. I may have to get over my hate of AT&T for one of those bad boys.

I decided to try new things off the menu since I tend to order the same thing each time I go. I ordered the Chile Relleno which they describe as a fresh Anaheim chile stuffed with two kinds of cheese, crispy breaded exterior. Those two kinds of cheese are Cheese Whiz and Cheez-Its for the crispy, breaded exterior.

It was still nummy.

John is funny and cool and has an infectious smile. And he gets bonus points for wearing Chuck Taylors. We chat about bloggers, bears, Macs, food and Anthony Bourdain. And really — when you think about it — what else is there after that?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

This posting every day thing is for the birds. Srsly. I don't know how some bloggers do it. It's not that I don't have anything to say every day. It's that I don't want to say something every day.

Like today.

Today wasn't anything special. Went to work. Came home and watch old episodes of ANTM on MTV while I ate chicken and hummus. First thought: what is with that judging panel? I look forward to seeing smug Nigel Barker's hot bald head every week. All I kept doing was staring at that Baby Phat lady and trying to remember where I'd seen her before. (Beauty Shop!)

For most of the day, I was a Crankmeister 5000®. I snapped at a couple people at work and then promptly apologized. But apparently I'm not THAT nasty when I'm in full crank mode. One coworker said, "your cranky is some people's pleasant."

So take that.

Nine down. Twenty-one to go.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last night, I took a couple benadryls because I was feeling a tad allergy-ridden during my still-not-feeling-100% phase.

You know, there was a time when I could operate heavy-machinery just fine on allergy medicine. Bring on the power tools, boys! Papa's on a diphenhydramine high!

But those days are long gone. That shit hits me hard now. Hell, I can barely blog when I'm doped up.

And when I do fall asleep, I sleep like a ton of bricks on a log. I sleep hard and deep (dirteh!) and fall asleep fast... the second my head hits the pillow.

It's the waking up part that's more difficult. I feel groggy and sluggish. It's hard to move, but when I get moving, I eventually feel well rested.

But now for the definition of sad.

The very FIRST THOUGHT I had this morning, when I woke up was:

"At 10 PM, I can go back to bed."

Pitiful.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

All hail the healing powers of liquoring up when you are sick. I feel like a new man. I still sound like crap, but nothing a few more shots of cheap brandy won't cure.

I spent the day doing tons of laundry and clearing out the DVR. Is anyone else as bored with Heroes as I am? Yes Claire, we know you can regenerate. We watched you ooh and aah about it all last season. Stop flinging yourself onto the concrete and actually do something please.

And WHEN is someone going to kill Mohinder? Please. He mohinders my ability to enjoy this program.

And take out Ando while your at it. Clearly, the actor who plays him learned his craft from this guy.

And OMG when did I become someone who blogs about television?

Oh yeah.

I think Cobban has the right idea. Kill your TV.

PS - I've added an archive for the banners. You can find it in the footer links.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting, Raving

"Your voice sounds like a garbage disposal." — Korina

Actually, that's the best description I've heard so far. My voice has a lovely death rattle/gargling quality usually akin to a two pack-a-day smoker after he's swallowed a pound of wet, fine gravel.

It's times like these when I really should do a podcast.

My weekend has pretty much been a bust and filled with sleeping, napping and — oh yeah... more sleeping. I've been in a Nyquil-induced coma pretty much since I came home Friday. So much that even Elliott's said, "Um, hey man. Shouldn't you like get up and do something this weekend?"

That something, of course, was feed him.

I'm missing the All Souls Procession with Homer. I'm a bit bummed out about that — I love the All Souls Procession — but I just don't have the energy. I'll celebrate the dead in my own way.

By taking a nap.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Truer words have never been spoken.

I woke up this morning with the feeling of an acid drip in my throat. My only saving grace was when I shower, I don't have my glasses on so everything is a blur, so I couldn't see the detail of the goop I was coughing up.

But I could make out the color through the haze.

It. Was. Nasty.

I'm sipping a very potent hot toddy right now, waiting for Thomas to bring me some comfort food. And I'll admit it, I'm a bit tipsy as I write this.

Lots of brandy and meat pie. What else could I ask for?

*hic*

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Yesterday my work had a health benefits fair. Many vendors set up tables to extol the virtues of their product. If you ever go to one of these, let me give you a bit of valuable advice. Whenever you are asked if you are a member of, have you tried, do you own or do you have an account with ___________; the answer should ALWAYS be yes. It saves a lot of time. Korina told the Chase Bank people she banked elsewhere and ten minutes later we were still listening to how great their mortgage rates are while I was calculating how quickly I could stab my ear drums with the free highlighter and Post-It® combo pen I got from the pharmacy vendor rendering myself deaf to their sales pitch.

Another tip is to NEVER try anything edible. Sadly, this is a lesson I only learned after trying a vitamin drink fortified with plankton yet smelled like an old lady's perfume.

My breath smelled like Nana.

(WOW! That last sentence is all kinds of wrong.)

Any who... I enter a raffle while there and won a prize. Here it is.

Um, yeah. I'd rather have the perfume-smelling vitamin drink.

A plant is not a prize. It's a responsibility. Some thing to take care of. Where's the reward in that? They might as well have given me a screaming baby with a dirty diaper. I repeat, a plant is NOT a prize! I'd rather have the six dollars this thing cost.

I give it a week before it turns brown and dies.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I want to Crtl + Z my morning.

I woke up insanely early this morning from an annoying dream. I was asked to accompany a dance recital. No problem, I thought. And then I looked at the music. I was super easy but when I looked at it, it looked very complicated. And then I remember. I haven't played piano in over ten years. Eek! Get thee to a practice room. But I kept getting lost looking for a piano.

Next thing I know, I'm riding a bicycle on the way to my grandmother's house in Oklahoma. I keep getting text messages saying, "It's ten minutes until we start. Where are you?" So not only am I unprepared, but also late. A double whammy of regret. Thanks subconscious!

It was then that I pulled myself out of sleep because next I probably would have been standing in front of everyone in my underwear and no one needs to see that.

After I got out of bed, I stumbled to the bathroom to start my day. My beard is looking pretty scraggly, so I got out the clippers. After putting in my contacts, I grabbed the clippers and started trimming away. I see tons of hairs dropping into the sink and I think, "Man! I really am overdue for a trim."

Then it hits me. "Is that skin I see?"

I forgot to put the guard on the clippers.

Ugh.

I opted out of joining the Pornstach Hall of Fame, instead going all the way to clean shaven. My face feels so naked.

Don't get used to it.

By the way, Chad has declared today T-Shirt Appreciation Day, so later you may see me wearing this t-shirt on his site sporting a more scruffy look.

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Permalink | File Under: Dreams, Life

Kristin and I met Korina and Cara the Downtown Phoenix Public Market. I bought vegetables for a salad I was making to take to Liz and Eric's that afternoon. I didn't get any green tomatoes but ZOMG! don't they look so good?

I love Cara's t-shirt.

Later at Haus Ubersax, everyone took turns holding the baby.

Baby's First Beer.

To see other pictures, make clicky here.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Returning a missed call from Kristin.

Me: What's up?
Kristin: I can't remember if you are eating healthy or not.
Me: Depends.
Kristin: Well, Aunt Patti made all this food: ham, mac and cheese, dressing, fried green toma...
Me: I'll be right over.

Click.

I have the best neighbors ever.

And lucky us. We get to store the leftovers at our house.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

After participating in the 12 of 12 project last year, I intended to do it more often. And then an entire year went by.

Oh well.

06:34

Further proof of my forgetfulness is that I was supposed to have had blood drawn last week. It kind of slip my mind, so I needed to go today. My doctor's checking my cholesterol, so I had to fast for the test. Any one who knows me, knows that breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so I was ready to get that blood drawn so I could eat.

07:39

I actually have two of these because she couldn't get blood from the other arm.

I look like a junkie.

08:19

What better way to reward myself for getting my cholesterol checked than by having the BIGGEST FUCKING OMELET. I believe they called it an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink omelet.

09:29

Fridays are publishing days for the site so there is always lots to keep me busy. Brewing tea for iced tea helps.

12:41

Tim and Matt met me for lunch at Fuego Bistro. I love how the lady in back decided to be in the photo as well.

13:18

We split this yummy creation made of bananas, chocolate and walnuts.

Most. Phallic. Desert. Ever.

14:14

I always see self taken bathroom mirror shots on Flickr, but have never taken one until today. (I put the camera on the hand towel dispenser and set the timer.)

15:33

Busy making pretty, pretty for teh intarwebs.

Lately on Fridays, Thomas and I have dinner and hang out but today he is feeling very ill. You should have heard his voicemail. He couldn't say any consonants or breathe. Poor guy.

So I looked in the freezer to see if there was anything I wanted to eat.

17:56

Mmm... Ice. It's what's for dinner.

18:23

A trip to the store was needed.

19:03

Hunger took over and I ripped open a box of Triscuits while driving home. Eating out of a grocery bag in the car just seems so wrong to me. Next thing you know I'll be eating grapes while shopping for groceries and hand the cashier an empty bag at the checkout.

So what's a single gay guy to do on a Friday night?

19:25

Watch Ugly Betty, of course.

Comments (8)
Permalink | File Under: 12 of 12, Life, Photos

Today, the mighty sun god decided to be kind to the peoples of Phoenix and give us a reprieve from his balls-stuck-to-the-legs-hot temperatures. (Thank you Wayne for that new descriptor.)

Today was gorgeous! Just the right amount of sun and the right amount of breeze. I just walked outside and a wall of nighttime heat didn't smack me in the face. I need to check the tires on my bike. Me thinks nighttime bike rides are in order. (Don't worry. It has a light on it.)

After being cooped up all summer protected by ice cold A/C and the greatest invention of all time, the ceiling fan, it was such a treat actually WANT to be outside.

Thomas and I took a walk around Tempe Town Lake. Many other people had the same idea. The cutest couple asked us if one of us would take their picture for them. They were adorable.

It's days like these that make the horrendous summers worth it.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Last month marked a decade since I first set foot in the Valley of the Sun. Taking a prompt from page 49 of No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog by Maggie Mason, here's my last ten years.

1997: Moved to Arizona in a car with no air-conditioning or windows that rolled down. In August. What was I thinking?

1998: Bought a car with air-conditioning AND working windows thankyouverymuch. Julie moves to Phoenix. We will be roommates for the next nine years. Began volunteering at the GLBT community center.

1999: My father dies. My only concern not attending his funeral is possibly offending my grandmother. My grandmother, one of the sweetest souls I've ever known, says she understands and it's okay.

2000: Received an award for volunteer work at the GLBT community center. Had to unexpectedly hug a large, sweaty lesbian on the stage of the Orpheum Theater.

2001: Started this blog.

2002: Visited New York City for the first time. Minor fender bender sets off major depression.

2003: Started therapy with the biggest quack. Had the good sense to flee. Julie and I move from our modest crack pad in Tempe to swanky new digs in Old Town Scottsdale. My mom visits during Christmas.

2004: Nothing sends you running back to the therapist couch faster than your mother visiting during the holidays. Worked out some major stuff and took some not-so helpful medication. Tripping the blog fantastic and meeting bloggers Adam, Dyanna, Kacy and Homer.

2005: My grandmother dies. After two days in Oklahoma, I was never more happy to see the desert skyline. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was home.

2006: Started a new career that I love, love, love. Named Roller Derby Fan of the Month. Oh, and produced the hottest dance track ever. (See Thomas. There was a time when I publicly mocked other people.)

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Nostalgia

Yesterday I wore a shirt I haven't worn in almost two years. (Yay me!) I know this because when I went to put something in its pocket, I found a folded piece of paper. A note from a lover? Of course not, silly. It was a grocery store receipt that had miraculously survived the washer and dryer.

It was printed on heat sensitive paper so it was mostly charcoal-colored, but I could still make out the date, November 23, 2005 and a few of the items I bought: frozen brown rice, green salsa, apples — things I usually buy at the store. Of course the first item was also a common staple in my kitchen past.

Cookies.

Ah. Those were the days.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life

One of the advantages to not having one big birthday celebration, is having many smaller ones. It feels like all month long I've been celebrating my birthday with various lunches, dinners and one very spontaneous day trip to Portland.

This morning I had breakfast with the lovers former known as The Roommates. Not only did this mean I would get a temporary reprieve from the ghetto I now call home, but also I'd get to eat at one of my old haunts, Orange Table.

I have mentioned my love of certain fictionalized terrorism here and here. The three of us used to stop whatever we were doing to watch Keifer Sutherland kick terrorist ass every Monday until we became more interested in saving the cheerleader and the world.

However, after my gift, 24 may be the winner.

No. The tits aren't real. I'm on South Beach, thank you.

This box contained all kinds of awesome. There were many envelopes with my instructions to complete a secret mission.

Click each pic to see the larger view.

I have some seriously great friends. (Having Elliott as "Jack Meower" is an excellent touch.)

To see the whole photo set, make clicky here.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have some missions to accomplish.

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Elliott, Friends, Life, Raving

Yesterday Adam and I flew to Portland for the day. We went to the Portland Saturday Market, ate delicious lebanese food, walked around Old Town Chinatown, took lots of pictures at the Portland Classical Chinese Garden, shopped for books at Powell's and then went back to the Market to eat vendor food. I even ate an Elephant Ear. (Carbs don't count when you're out of state. Did you not know that?) After all that, we went back to the airport and went back home.

It was an awesome time. I'm completely exhausted and a little sunburned, but I want to do it again.

Click to see the Panoramic view.

Make clicky here to see the entire photo set.

And check out Adam's photos too!

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Photos

Today is my thirty-eighth birthday. Here's what thirty-eight looks like: gray and white hairs and all.

Pretty hot, huh? You'll be happy to know that I trimmed the jungle-like stalks of nose hair before I took this picture. I'm not sure I remembered to trim my ear hair though. They do say memory is the first to go.

I alternate years of wanting to celebrating my birthday and not wanting to celebrate. I'm not sure why that is. Last year was a big celebration with lots of people. This year I haven't wanted to commit to any plans at all. It's not that I'm not looking forward to my birthday or getting older. It's just I don't feel like making a big deal of it.

But there is something I will make a big deal out of. A couple months ago, I decided it time to stop being a lazy excuse maker and start getting healthy. I'm getting old and shit's already started falling apart. I don't need to speed up the process with my bootylicious curves.

To date, I have lost twenty pounds. ZOMG! Did you hear that? 20 POUNDS! I feel pretty good about it and am noticing a difference in how I feel and how some of my clothes just hang on me. It's a pretty frickin' awesome feeling.

By the way. That shirt I'm wearing. Haven't been able to wear it for a year.

Pretty frickin' awesome.

Comments (27)
Permalink | File Under: Life

So it's been about one month with the new roommate and things are going swimmingly. Most of the time I don't even know he's home. He does his thing. I do mine. Although we've known each other for years, there are still lots to learn about each other. One thing I learned immediately after the big silver box of time suckage was installed, is he loves watching The View. LOVES IT!!! A lot. He loves it so much that it's in ALL CAPS WITH THREE WHOLE EXCLAMATION POINTS AFTER IT!!! That, my friends, is a lot of love.

I personally haven't seen much of the view since Lisa Ling was a co-host and when was that? During the Clinton Administration? Seems like a lifetime ago.

Of course I've heard a lot about it, starting with the whole Star Jones business last summer. (I saw a commercial recently that said she'd be guest starring on one of those Law and Order shows. When did that asshat become an actress?)

And of course who hasn't heard about The View since Rosie came on board. This year has been about the "hot topics" and the new roommate LOVES(!!!) him some hot topics.

He's going to wet himself when he watches today's show.

Comments (5)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Tonight I attended the Diamondbacks game with my friend St. John. We sat so close in left field, I could smell the dirt.

They played the Mets.

The Dbacks lost.

Don't ask me what's up with St. John's hat.

Goes well with baseball.

See other photos by making clicky here.

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

The stuff is moved. The unpacking has begun. I am achy and tired and need a four-day nap.

Elliott's doing okay-ish. He's still a bit cautious-looking at times. Poor little guy. However, yesterday he found a spot where the afternoon sun beams down in a corner of my bedroom so he was quite happy napping in the warmth.

After moving all my stuff, I realize I don't dust as often as I should. (i.e. Ever.) No wonder my allergies are always so horrible.

I have no internets at home until I get the cable modem turned on, so postings will be limited.

Thank you all for your well wishes for the move. I really appreciate it.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Life

TXT to Deek: Jesus is Lord.
TXT from Deek: My ass is lard.

Tomorrow I'm going to Tucson to see Homer and partake of his boiled egg decorating/hunting festivities.

Whatever you do this holiday weekend, I hope the Easter Spring Bunny fills your basket with goodies as awesome as this.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Several months ago, I received a letter from Sallie Mae congratulating me on paying off four of my five student loans. I had no idea I was so close to paying them off. I have them paid automatically so I never pay attention to them. Now, in about a year, the remaining one will be paid off. Pretty cool considering I graduated college something like a million years ago. And let me tell you, that music degree has come in quite handy in the field of web design.

One of the things that stresses me out and makes me feel like a complete slug is money. I HATE money. I hate the emotions tied to it whether it be greed, inadequacy or whatever. I hate the sense of helplessness it seems to evoke in me.

Case in point, guess who got a bill for his recent colonoscopy. That's right. I'm getting it up the butt a second time! Only this time, I'm not drugged up or properly lubed

Fortunately, I have the money to pay the bill. Unfortunately, that money was previously ear-marked for frivolous things like car repairs and moving expenses.

Many years ago, I enrolled in a debt management program to consolidate and pay off all my credit card balances. Balances that have followed me around since I was in college. It has been hard at times being on the program. I have no credit cards whatsoever while on the program. My payment takes a huge portion of my monthly pay. Just about every penny I make is spoken for. It's only in the last year or two that I feel like I have a little breathing room after getting a new job with a slight salary increase. Deciding to move was a huge decision, because it basically meant reevaluating my budget and monthly expenses. I have no backup income. No credit for emergencies. Nothing.

At times, it really sucks. I want do normal things like buy a laptop. Or take a vacation. You know, on an airplane. And stay in a hotel. (How decadent!) But until, all of this debt is gone, that ain't happening.

While faced with this big bill and questions of "how am I gonna pay for this other stuff." I needed to do something to make me feel like I am getting somewhere financial. I needed to see that some kind of progress is being made. (Can I italicize any more? Sure I can!!! I can CAPITALIZE TOO.)

So I took the Adam approach and found sweet comfort in spreadsheets and data points.

After creating formulas and crunching the numbers, I realized one of my balances in my debt reduction program will be completely paid off THIS AUGUST! (Holy shit!) And my other highest one will be paid off in six months after that. After balances are paid, those payments are redistributed to other (more evil) balances. So what I thought would take me three or more years to pay off, may actually be paid off much, much sooner.

Plus, my car will be paid off in September. Let's just hope that what happened last time, doesn't happen again.

Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance.

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Thank you all for your concern. I really appreciate it and didn't mean to cause any alarm. I tend to hibernate from blogging (and pretty much everything else) when I have a lot on my mind and choose to bury my head in the sand rather than deal with it.

This is my favorite time of year here in the desert. When I walk outside, the air is sweet with the fragrant aroma of the orange blossoms from the many citrus trees in my neighborhood.

This year, the scent is a little bittersweet. Our lease is up. Soon I will be leaving my beloved Cocoon and moving to another area of town where there are no orange blossoms nor heady bouquet to greet me in the morning. No local cafés where they know me by name. No Cocoon.

As much as I want to be excited about this move, obviously...I'm not. Although there are many items in the pro column, they are over-shadowed by the glare of the few cons. While it's not my ideal, it is the best situation I have so far, so away from The Cocoon I shall go.

It's particularly sad for Julie and I. We've lived together for almost nine years. That's hard to believe some times. Nine years. We are our longest relationship. And as cliché as it sounds, it really does seem like just yesterday when we moved into our first apartment together, three addresses ago.

Yesterday, Jason asked me which DVDs were mine and which were Julie's because he wanted to pack them. I opened the closet where we keep them and started handing hers to him. (I really should have snagged that Freaks and Geeks set for myself, even though I gave it to her for Christmas.) I surveyed the rest of that closet and realized that our stuff is pretty much integrated after so many years together. For the longest time it's been ours, not mine or hers.

While I will miss the orange blossoms blooming in March, the cafés and many other things I adore about my neighborhood, I will miss definitely Julie the most.

Comments (1)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Honestly, I could use some good news right about now. I feel somewhat overwhelmed, useless and let's just be honest...a tad dead on the inside.

No worries. Nothing a few thousand bucks and a handful of Xanax can't fix.

Now where did I leave those gold bullions?

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Depression, Life

My colonoscopy went very well yesterday. The doctor said everything looks good and he found no polyps to remove, however he did find a whimsical garden gnome somewhere around my sigmold colon. He must have gotten lost on his way to the pyramids. Silly gnome.

Thank you all for your calls, emails, instant messages and comments. I appreciate all the good vibes and laughs. My ass has never felt so much love before.

Comments (11)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I really wasn't too concerned about this procedure. That is, until I went to my doctor's website and saw this. (View at your own risk.)

Yeah seriously, does anyone other than a gasterointerologist NEED to see that?

Then one night I dreamt that I woke up in the hospital after my colonoscopy only to discover a huge bandage on my stomach where the doctors performed surgery. My stomach was tender and hurt a lot. I was pretty groggy yet managed to get on my feet and get out of bed.

And that's when the 6 foot long colostomy bag rolled out from under my hospital gown and hit the floor.

I started wandering around the hospital, dragging the bag and it was pulling at my bandage and hurt a lot.

I kept asking for help and no one would. The colostomy bag was filling with fluid and was heavier to drag and causing me a lot of pain, so I sat down to rest.

And that's when I saw Oprah and Gayle. I asked them if they could help me but they just ignored me and started talking about me like I wasn't there. Once again, Oprah fails me.

Sometime after that, I woke up. No bandage. No 6 foot long colostomy bag. (EEK! Can you imagine?)

So any who...enjoy your Valentine's Day. And if you find your butt all greased up, hope it's for a better reason than mine.

Comments (9)
Permalink | File Under: Dreams, Life

Today, I can not eat anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. In preparation for my colonoscopy tomorrow, I'm on a "clear liquid diet" which means I can drink lots of water, apple juice and white grape juice, etc. Then in the late afternoon, the real fun begins. That's when I get to start taking the phospho soda. I've have this once before, and let me tell you: it is nasty. Truly vile no matter what you take it with.

Sounds like total fun! Join me on this strange and magical journey.

5:00 AM - Wake up. Realize I can't eat breakfast, so what's the point of getting up. Go back to sleep.

5:30 AM - Dreaming I am hanging out with the cast of Grey's Anatomy, a show I have never seen. Realize that while hanging out with Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight, I am eating graham crackers. Feeling guilty, yet still eating those delicious graham crackers.

6:00 AM - Wake up relieved that I haven't blown it already, but then it hits me that the day is JUST STARTING and subconsciously, I've already fucked up.

6:45 AM - Enjoying (and I just that term extremely loosely) a breakfast of 8 ounces of white cranberry juice.

6:50 AM - Apparently my body has other ideas about how this day should go and starts the cleansing part early. Spend the next twenty minutes in the bathroom.

7:50 AM - Picking up an iced tea from AJ's. NOT looking at the display of tasty muffins.

7:55 AM - Flipping off a lady in a black fancy car for not properly stopping while I'm making a turn. Hoping she doesn't work at the station.

8:30 AM - Making sure there are no tempting graham crackers anywhere near my desk.

8:35 AM - Seeing a card on my desk that Dyanna sent me. She addressed it to "Cupcake." Now I'm thinking about cupcakes. GAH!

8:55 AM - The first of which I'm sure will be many visits to the bathroom to pee.

9:00 AM - Okay, now I'm starting to feel hungry. I need something to distract me. Some work perhaps?

9:05 AM - Work's boring. Let's walk to Starbucks.

10:30 AM - Not so hungry any more. Oh wait, now I am. Damnit.

11:00 AM - If peeing were an Olympic sport, I'd be a silver. (Saying I'd be a gold seems too easy of a joke.)

11:38 AM - I can smell someone's lunch. This is going to be a Very. Long. Day.

12:22 PM - iPod will drown out the sound of my stomach growling.

1:15 PM - Pre admission phone call with the GI nurse during which she mentioned that after taking the phospho soda cocktail and subsequent non-stop pooping, that some patients feel "raw" down there and to feel free to apply some vaseline to the area. Nice. Thanks lady for helping me lose my appetite.

2:11 PM - Chicken broth. Ew.

2:18 PM - Putting on pants with an elastic waist. You know, to make it easier.

2:30 PM - Just took my first dose. Let the countdown begin!

2:50 PM - Nothing so far.

3:07 PM - WTF? I thought this stuff was suppose to work in like twenty minutes.

3:08 PM - Oh CRAP!

3:18 PM - Well that was unpleasant.

5:36 PM - The phospho soda: VERY effective.

6:30 PM - Dose #2. Things are about to get very interesting.

7:34 PM - When I go #2, it sounds like I'm going #1.

10:40 PM - So tired. So hungry. So going to bed, once I stop going.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life

I have a date for Valentine's Day with a handsome blonde doctor. Yes, my colonoscopy is scheduled for Valentine's Day. So at least I'll see a little action this year. Sadly, I won't get dinner first or even remember any of it. It's junior prom all over again.

I was thinking I should leave my gastroenterologist lover a message written on my ass for the procedure. A haiku perhaps.

remember doctor
be sure to use lots of lube
and please be gentle

Feel free to leave your own haiku in the comments.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Guess what I get to do! I'll give you a hint.

Wheeeeeee!!! My very own colonoscopy. I'm so happy.

In the family tradition of asking physicians for leftovers from medical procedures, I'll see if I can get some snapshots for my Flickr photos.

Comments (6)
Permalink | File Under: Life

It's been over a week since I started feeling crappy, and I'm no better. I treat the symptoms and they go away, temporarily but then come back the next day a little more vindictive than the day before. Nothing I do makes seems to a difference. I've made changes in my diet, let my body rest when it tells me to, and yet I still wake up feeling no different. At this point, I'm afraid to eat at all. All food seems like poison.

Tomorrow I see my doctor so maybe I can get some answers or at least a big ass bottle of pain pills, 'cause Papa needs him some pain pills NOW. I'll admit it. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain. I feel no shame in that statement. Now give me a percocet damnit.

Elliott has pretty much not left my side since this started. He has an knack of knowing if any of us don't feel well and wants to be with us. And since all I do is sleep, pretty much that's all we do. He still has the record in the house, but I definitely have second place bagged.

Comments (2)
Permalink | File Under: Life

When I was in second grade, I fell over onto my bedroom floor buckled over in pain. I think I may have passed out eventually. The next day I was in the hospital preparing to have my appendix removed. Even at the tender age of seven, I was completely mortified when my mother asked my doctor if my appendix could be put in a jar so I could take it to show-and-tell.

Fast forward to 2000, I was working at the Really Big Corporation® and putting in 14-16 hour days working for a boss I loathed with the intensity of a thousand white hot suns. I had abdominal cramping, fevers, body aches. The first thing my doctor said to me was, "it sounds like you have appendicitis." I told him it was impossible since I didn't have an appendix. He asked if I could get those medical records, so I called my mom.

"Well, you had your appendix removed, but you didn't have appendicitis."

Uh...come again?

She told me I exhibited all the symptoms so naturally they thought my appendix was about to burst, but after they cut me open and removed it, they found nothing wrong with it.

Oddly, I remember her asking if I could take an internal organ to school but I don't remember having said organ removed for no reason. Oh well. I got a nifty scar and two weeks out of school. Yay me!

Armed with this new info, the tests began. X-rays. Sonograms. Lots of peeing in cups for tests. Some nasty medications.

Fed up without being able to find an answer, my doctor sent me to see someone else. He looked at my chart, felt my aching stomach and then asked me the magical question.

"What's been going on at work?"

(My original doctor never asked me that at all.)

I told him all about the long hours, etc. He looked up and told me I likely have irritable bowel syndrome or IBS.

Yay! An answer (sorta) and an acronym too.

He gave me some pills, but by that time most of my symptoms were diminishing since I hadn't been at work for several days.

Ever since then, I've used my stomach as a barometer for stress and done so with pretty good success. At the first stomach twinge, I'm all, "Whoa Nellie, let's pull back."

Unfortunately for the last three days, it's been pretty unavoidable. Lots of pain and lots of cramping. When I describe my symptoms to a friend, she says, "Are you sure you don't have PMS?"

If I do, Aunt Flo is a most unwelcome, unpleasant visitor for sure.

Comments (4)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Aw...no one wants to be my wingman. You all suck.

I kid of course. The three of you who read this rawk in a most delightful way.

On Tuesday, Korina and I decided the lunches we brought to work were nasty and we needed to get out of the office, so we went to Pei Wei. We sat at one of those teeny two seater tables; the kind that feel like cramped stadium seating that you can't help touching elbows with the person sitting next to you. A man with a laptop sat at a table next to us.

After we boxed over our leftovers — of which there were a lot. (Would it kill these restaurants to offer a smaller portion for less money?) — I cracked open my fortune cookie. Korina and I have a fondness for fortune cookie fortunes. We keep our favorites on a bulletin board.

I read my message and started to snicker and giggle. I handed it to her and she did the same. The man seated next to us, smiles curiously and asked what it said.

I handed the fortune to him. He read it. He looked puzzled. He read it again. And then looked puzzled at us, as if he were looking at two escaped mental patients who's giggling masks their desire to cut you open and use your entrails as Christmas decorations.

Korina looked at him and said, "You have to say 'in bed' after it to make it funny."

He continued to look puzzled. "Is that what you are supposed to do?"

Now it was my turn to look at him like he was from outer space with a line of snot connecting his nostril to the nostril of his second head.

Seriously, there are people who don't know the "in bed" thing?

Comments (3)
Permalink | File Under: Life

Five years ago, I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine from high school, getting reacquainted. I asked about her husband, whom I hadn't met, and she said, "If you want to know more, check out our family's blog."

My response? "What's a blog?"

Five years later, here I am.

I've often questioned, mostly to myself, why I keep maintaining this blog. I often think about closing up shop. But on Monday, I read something that made it very clear to me why I keep blogging.

"What I really want to say is that each of these connections matters. In the same way that those ladies at the post might be my first human contact of the day, I might be theirs too. They remind me that we all matter. Everywhere we go we matter. And that we take that for granted. We think, "Oh, I won't go to the meeting/ the party/ the class. No one will miss me anyway."

But the truth is, we all matter and we are all missed.

Even here, on this blog."

From Superhero Journal

This post really brought it home to me. Over the last five years, I've made some amazing connections with many people. Some have developed into strong friendships. All have had an impact on my life in many ways.

When I was going through the worst of my depression a couple years ago, I shut so many people out. I felt tired and irritable and just wanted to be left alone. I worked from home to avoid seeing my co-workers. I made excuses to not see my friends. Getting through each day felt like a chore. A dull, colorless chore.

And then there was this blog, staring back at me with maybe two banal posts a month about nothing in particular. Nothing about who I was or what I was feeling. I was ready to pull the plug on it permanently and walk away.

And then an unexpected thing happen. New people started reading my blog and commenting. While I had no desire to connect with anyone I actually knew, starting a conversation with a faceless stranger felt safe enough. So emails were exchanged and eventually instant messenger screen names. Slowly, connections were being made.

Meanwhile, my blog roll started to grow. My site traffic went up a bit, but more importantly, new friendships were forming. That — along with lots of time on the couch and some choice pharmaceuticals — set me on a path to recovery...or whatever you want to call it.

There are many people who've touched my life in many ways, but here are a few I'd like to give some mad props.

• Jennifer and Matthew for getting me started. (Now, would it kill ya to post occasionally?)

• Mark for making that first connection all those years ago. Thank you, hon.

• The Zenchick. I learned a lot from this woman. She opened my eyes and heart to a new way of seeing the world. For that, I am very grateful. I wish her well.

• Robbie for sharing his love of great music. (PS - Go buy his CD. It rocks, just like him.)

• Adam being a good friend, awesome tech support and letting me mercilessly mock him in images and song.

• Dyanna for graciously hosting this website and being as sweet as dulce de leche.

• And finally for Homer, who is smart, funny and makes me laugh every time I talk to him. He is a wonderful guy and a super friend to have.

And to the rest of you...of all the people who read my blog, you are my favorite.

Here's to the next five.

Peace,
Brian

Comments (8)
Permalink | File Under: Blogging, Depression, Friends, Life

Voting is bad. Very bad.

After completing my ballot, I went to the ballot stuffer machine thingy-bopper — whatever it is called — and let it suck up my ballot. A nice man gave me a "I Voted Today" sticker and I turned to walk out an open door while affixing my sticker to my shirt. Only, it wasn't an open door. It was a window. And my forehead smacked right into it with a loud thump. Apparently I was still dazed from completing the two-page, double-sided ballot.

Hopefully, my forehead print will prevent other voters from injury.

I'm a patriot like that.

Comments (0)
Permalink | File Under: Life

So I saw this on Alden's site. (Not "All Done" mind you. It's Alden.) He did it in May, very creatively I might add, and it seemed like fun so here I go.

6:32 AM

Green Salsa is an important part of a balanced breakfast.

7:34 AM

Cube Sweet Cube.

8:55 AM

I just moved to this desk a couple weeks ago. I need to figure out what to do with the wall. Some artwork perhaps. Any suggestions?

9:42 AM

Every day Korina and I walk to Starbucks and feed The Machine® as well as our addictions. We've been doing this for several months. For that entire time, this toothbrush has always been there. I was on the side walk for a long time, but eventually was swept aside to the curb. And, like the dorks we are, we look to make sure it's there every day.

2:23 PM

I forgot to take my camera to lunch, so I brought some of the soup to show you. What's the secret ingredient of Le Peep's vegetable soup? Chicken!

Le Peep? More like Le Poop.

4:06 PM

I'm a bit of a clock-watcher, especially in the afternoon. Once it hits 4:30 PM, I am out of there. Usually.

5:07 PM

I took this picture because of Alden's May drawing. I love these shoes but they squeak when I walk. I could never be a ninja.

6:09 PM

Please ignore the dirty floor. It's the maid's week off.

7:14 PM

I had dinner at The Orange Table, one of my favorite places to eat. Conveniently it's just down the street from my house. The food is so good. I eat there often.

7:33 PM

I had the Taco Potstickers for dinner. They rock so hard.

8:09 PM

Later I called Homer. You know, it's difficult taking a photo of a phone. Very difficult.

8:26 PM

The night is still young.

Bonus: Halloween

And the bonus photo in the theme of Halloween.

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Permalink | File Under: 12 of 12, Life, Photos

The other day, Julie and I started talking about what our plans are for when our lease is up at the end of the year. She and I have lived together since 1998 and we are good roommates. Used to each others quirks and charms. For the last 8 years, we've been a family.

But things are a tad different now. The dynamics have changed since Jason moved in. Don't get me wrong, I like Jason. Quite a lot actually. Especially since he makes Julie so happy. It's just been challenging adjusting to someone new. Jason's the first straight boy I've lived with since I was in college.* I forgot how odd straight boys can be.

Plus it can be difficult being the single guy versus the couple. I'm not living with the two of them, I'm living them as a unit. When I ask one of them a question, I am asking both of them a question. Fortunately our place is big enough that we aren't on top of each other except for the kitchen. (Dinner time can get a little crowded.) But I realize that they need to be a couple and having me around isn't always conducive to that.

So over the next several months we will be weighing the benefits of going our separate ways or extending our lease for one more year. A huge pro for staying put is life in The Cocoon, as Deek likes to call our neighborhood. I love where I live. All my favorite stuff is nearby. Plus, Deek and Matt are around the corner so it's nice having friends so close. But, life in The Cocoon is going to become very pricey in the near future. Lots of high-rise condos are being built and property values will soar. It's predicted that many of the residents in my income bracket will not be able to afford to live eventually.

So there are decisions to be made. And when it comes to matters of money, I suck. So I may end up living in my car parked in Deek's driveway. Yippee!

*Speaking of way back when, today I got an email today about my TWENTY year high school reunion for next year. That's right kids...20 effing years. I'm all "Oh HELLZ NO it's not been twenty years!" Like I needed this glaring reminder I'm getting older. Bitches.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last week I received an email from D, the first in over four years. He said he tried to contact me about our friends who passed away but the email address he had for me was out-of-date. Then he told me that another mutual friend of ours died in July. She was the reason we met. He knew her from high school. I knew her from college.

That's three deaths I've learn about in the past three weeks. I've always hated the saying, "Death comes in threes." It's always seemed a little dim-witted and insensitive, but I'm kind of hoping for now, it's true. My heart is a little worn out from learning of these losses, so it was good it had a reprieve with some happier times this weekend.

Jenn and Kooka's wedding was Saturday. They both were beaming and quite beautiful. The ceremony was nice and the toasts were heartfelt and touching. It was also great visiting with the out-of-towners and friends I haven't seen in a while.

Nights like that remind you how good life is.

Lovely brides, Jenn and Kooka

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Permalink | File Under: Life

My head has been swimming in murky waters a bit tonight. After work I called my friend Shane to ask about a friend of ours. I had already read her obituary online, but wanted to hear it from someone I knew.

I haven't seen her in years. When my friendship with D ended, by extention my friendships with others from that circle suffered. It was just too awkward and painful at the time to be around anyone in that group so I stayed away. Months passed. Then years. Now, it's been almost four. From that group I've only kept in touch with two — Shane and Autumn, who's still in Japan — and my correspondence with them is sparse at best.

Shane gave me the back story of what happen. Filled in some of the blanks. Answered some questions. Then he said, "That's been two within the last year."

I paused for a moment and felt my heart sink. "Two?" I asked with my voice cracking. Then he told me about another friend who committed suicide.

I really am out of the loop.

I wasn't particularly close with either — four years of absence obviously proves that — but I'm sad for the losses nonetheless.

A couple weeks ago, before I knew about any of this, I was leafing through a box of old photos. Among all the photos of various birthdays and other celebrations were pictures of her and him. Bright beaming smiles. Young faces.

There are happy memories there. I'm glad I have them.

Permalink | File Under: Life

...I kicked everyone's ass tonight at Killer Bunnies, but I assure you it was not skill but dumb luck.

Liz and Eric invited Megan, Travis and I over to celebrate mine and Megan's birthdays. I love celebrating my birthday more than once. Eric grilled some tasty salmon and we had it with lime cilantro salso. So good. Liz made snickerdoodles for dessert since she knows I like them.

Pictures are here.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Matt, who is definitely not dead.

Julie: If you die, can I have your iPod?
Me: Nope. I want it in the coffin with me, earbuds firmly in place set on shuffle.

Death has been a frequent topic lately. Should that concern me?

Saturday, during dinner, Matt, Deek and I were debating which one of would die first. Deek and I battled it out for the crown of Miss Kicks the Bucket First. Matt abstained from the vying, most likely because he knows he will out live us. He'll be one of those hippie, herbal massage therapists with white hair in a pony tail wearing hemp clothing smelling of patchouli listening to pan flutes.

So after all this death talk, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Keep your fingers crossed.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Yesterday, I'm sitting at my desk and not feeling so well. I thought I was either feverish or OMG! experiencing male menopause and having a hot flash.

Then I went downstairs and looked at the thermostat. Silly boy, you aren't going through The Change®, your air-conditioner is broken.

Of course, this was at night so it was too late to call the repairman. The A/C unit is on the roof and for some reason they don't like working in the dark two stories high. Something about pesky OSHA rules or something. Pussies.

So we sit and wait. The idea of cuddling with a bag of ice suddenly became very appealing. Hell, I'd even sit through Snakes on a Plane to escape the inferno that is my townhouse. Too bad I can't sneak Elliott in with me. He's so miserable now playing murder victim. Laying sprawled out in the most inconvenient of places. Like blocking doorways or even better, the stairs.

Our A/C breaks down at least once every summer. Who can blame it since it's SOFA KING HOT all the time and runs non-stop for like 8 months in a row.

Unfortunately, the repairman is not porn star hot but more mug-shot scary. Of course, if he gets here soon and turns my home into Antarctica, I will have his baby.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

It's safe to say that this week has sucked so hard.

I need to concentrate on happier things like comfortable bedding, breakfast at Orange Table, watching House of Yes on DVD, and people who don't suck. People like Kandice who is lovely and amazing.

I have a bunch of crap to do this weekend: fix the toilet, dust and vacuum, fix the fridge, clean my disgusting bathroom. But at this point I just want to either stay in bed in the fetal position or runaway to Tucson to hang out with Homer. Either sounds like a well needed break.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Sesame chicken.

Ten o'clock on Sunday night.

Bad. Idea.

Hope your Monday morning is better.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last night, I had just taken a shower and was comfy in my pajamas when I got an instant message from a guy craving sushi and asking if I'd grab a bite with him. Rather than let my instincts take over and say, "No, I'm old, curmudgeonly and anti-social," I said sure and got dressed to meet him at a sushi bar near my home.

I forgot to tell him that in Old Town Scottsdale on weekend, there is always a 45 minute plus wait for the trendy places. Probably why I don't frequent them. So after trying to get into a few of them, we gave up and had pizza instead.

He told me he was going to go to a couple bars after and asked if I wanted to come along. He knew I wasn't much of a bar person. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went to one. There was a time when I was at the bar EVERY Saturday night tossing back Long Island Ice Teas like they were going out of style, but those days are loooooong gone along with my hair and smaller sized jeans. But I recognized that this was an opportunity to break out and try something different and since I was already being spontaneous I decided to join him.

One of the bars we went to was a new bar in town, The Eagle. I guess there are other Eagles in other cities. I think it's fair to say leather is not my scene. I must have stuck out like a sore thumb. Hopefully I kept a straight face among the sea of ass-less chaps.

Speaking of ass-less chaps, I saw someone I knew there. Kristin's high school boyfriend. I wanted to say hello but he was otherwise occupied shoving his tongue in the mouth of one of the ass-less chaps boys.

And apparently, nipple tweaking is the new handshake. Who knew?

Over all it was a fun evening. It's nice to shake things up a bit and do something different.

On my way home, I noticed I had a voicemail from Homer. He's in DC visiting Jimbo and having a great time.

Thanks to the magic of technology, I am happy to present his voicemail for your listening pleasure.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life

So Fridays are busy days for me at this job. It's the day we publish our site in all its content-heavy glory and it's often crunchy time and full of last minute changes. And like most people, you know me loves some last minute changes.

When Deek was teaching, Friday nights to him were what he referred to as his personal "shabat." If it was a Friday, there would be no answering of the phone or returning of the voicemail. I'd mistakeningly start to ask him what his plans would be on a certain Friday and he'd cut me off barking, "SHABAT!"

He didn't want to talk or see or be around anyone on Friday night. Instead spend the evening drunk alone to decompress from the stress of the week so he would be able to enjoy the rest of his weekend.

I have adopted this routine. Sans the wine-induced coma part.

It actually works wonders. When I wake up on Saturday, I've usually forgotten about all the little earthquakes from the afternoon before.

Alternately, Mondays now are a breeze. I used to DREAD every Monday at my last job. Every Sunday afternoon, I'd start to feel a tension washing over me and I'd turn into the CrankMaster 5000®.

"Raar! Why doesn't anyone do dishes around here?"
"Raar! What do you mean you are out of brown rice? How do you run your business?"
"Raar! Masterpiece Theater can suck me!"

Of course, Friday night shabat can always be called off if indian food is on the agenda.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

• Elliott's Catster profile is WAY more popular than my Friendster profile ever was. How sad is that.

• It rained last night. It was lovely. That is, until my allergies declared war on my sinuses. It was a bitter, ugly struggle. There are still casualties today.

• I made Homer laugh yesterday because I didn't know how to pronounce bukkake. I pronounced it "boo-cake." Silly me.

• A few months ago after listening to Adam orgasm over Battlestar Galactica, I decided to give it a whirl and added it to my Netflix queue. When they came, I watched them all within a very short time frame. Like, two or three days. Yes, it's that good. Since finishing the first half of the second season, I've had painful withdrawals. So I turned to my crack dealer. Adam burned the second half of the second season for me. I watch eight of them in two days. I am a frakkin' junkie.

• Yesterday's BBQ was so good. Kandy has a new grill. It's shiny and big. I call it The Beast. Photos are here.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I woke up this morning convinced it was Friday. While I was showering, I realized it was only Thursday. I hate that.

On my way to work, I sometimes drive by Planned Parenthood. Lately, I've noticed there have been some protesters picketing from the sidewalk in front. This fills me with great ire. Many of them are old, worn-looking and look Phelpsish. So I take it upon myself as a good citizen to flip them the bird.

The first time I loved seeing their faces crumble from thinking I was giving them a wave of encouragement to realizing I was giving them the finger.

I've come to look forward to my brief morning salute. Only this morning, they were not there. Such disappointment.

I hate it when dumbasses let me down.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

At work, we are having this weight loss challenge. We each put in 20 bucks. Every Wednesday, will have our weigh in and record how much we've lost. The two people with the highest percentage of loss will win the pot.

I've had a slow start getting into this competition, but last night I finally took my fat ass into the gym at work. All of the cardio equipment has a little television in front of them. At first when I saw this I was a little appalled. I don't watch too much television. But now I'm loving it! Thirty minutes on the treadmill went by so quickly while watching VH1's 100 Child Stars.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

A couple month's ago at Dyanna's mom's birthday, we watched Beauty Shop. While not a great movie, it was funny enough. So much that I rented it for Julie and Jason to watch. Okay, I wanted to watch it a few more times too.

Some of my favorite parts are with Alfre Woodard who plays the Afro-centric , civil rights sage, Ms. Josephine. In the movie, Ms. Josephine spontaneously bursts into wide-eyed recitations of Maya Angelou poetry. Since then, I've known to spout off Maya Angelou poetry in instant messages to Adam...you know...just for kicks. He probably just closes the chat window and tries to put it out of his mind.

This afternoon, I was tell Adam how phenomenal my tuna salad sandwich was. It may seem a tad exaggerating to describe a tuna salad sandwich as phenomenal but let me tell you...this tuna salad sandwich was The Shit®.

It turns out the secret in the Crunchy Tuna Salad is green apple.

That's just crazy - huh? But sooooo delicious.

So it called for a Maya Angelou-esque poem.

does my tuna salad offend you?
with its crunchy apple surprise?
it makes me dance in the garden
holding a watermelon between my thighs

I think Adam laughed so hard, he may have peed a little.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Crap! I have to report for jury duty this morning.

I get called all the freakin' time. Kristin has lived here her whole life, been registered to vote since she was eighteen and has NEVER been summoned.

What the H?

I think I've been summoned five times in the last 8 years. Never had to serve. Only had to report once...er...well twice now.

UPDATE: After two plus hours sitting in the jury waiting room, the judge came down to tell us that a plea agreement had been reached and we could leave. Since this is for the district court, my service is not over. I still have to call until the month is over to see if I'm needed. Fun-fun!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

My friend Deek and I celebrated our new jobs this weekend. A couple weeks ago I started working at a television station doing web/graphics design. It's a pretty fun environment. Lots of work to do, but I work with a good group of people — and of course, my beloved Mary Mo. Plus, it's interesting work so I don't mind working lots when I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

I knew my last job was getting bad when I started having that Sunday Dread®. It usually started in the late afternoon. I started getting cranky and sad knowing that in the morning I'd have to go to work again and deal with the same bullshit again and be clock-watching all week, counting down the minutes until I left Friday afternoon, spent and lifeless and just wanting to crawl in bed.

Not that everything was bad. It wasn't. I worked with some lovely people. Many I consider my friends and not just coworkers. Friday, I saw them at a big "everyone's quitting" happy hour. There were at least five of us who have recently been liberated. Four of those are in the same month. Considering the mass exodus, I guess it was that bad.

Deek has been a teacher for twenty years. This fall he will being a new career as a librarian. I couldn't be happier for him. Everyone could see the toll teaching was having on him. I'd give him helpful advice when I could. When he was writing his final exam, I suggested he attach applications to various fast food restaurants since that's where most of those little fucktards angels were going to end up any way.

I believe the children are our future.

Deek mentioned that Saturday morning he got sort of emotional thinking about the last twenty years and all the sacrifices his social life has made because of his teaching career. His friends all know not to call him on Fridays because he used that evening to decompress from the week's events. Sundays were for grading and planning. That left Saturday for chores and errands. Not much left after that.

Although I don't think he should have any regrets, I understand how he feels. I've felt that same kind of remorse when I think about all the years I wasted in a funk of depression and not even realizing it. But my philosophy is what's done, is done. It's never too late to live your life.

Now I just need to heed my own advice.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

On Wednesday, I start a new job working with my former co-worker Mary Mo. (Perhaps the Anne Heche cartoons will make a comeback.) I am very excited about this new opportunity. It's going to be both very fun and challenging; two things I enjoy.

I was telling my friend Buttercup about my new job. She said, "It seems like you started your current job just yesterday."

"But, it feels a lot longer."

Trust me.

It seems I've received a spike in traffic courtesy of everyone's favorite Tucson blogger, Homer. I was telling Homer today that I need to come visit him inflated gas prices be damned.

For those of you here the first time, welcome. Make yourself at home.

Oh...and pardon the dust. It's the maid's week off.

And this reminds me. I so need to find a car wash.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Unfortunately The Thing I Shouldn't Blog About™ got much, much worse this week and resulted in a week of feeling frustrated, angry and upset, but it is, as they say, what it is and hopefully will soon be over and I can move on and actually feel like blogging without having to be evasive as to what is pissing me off. I like my pissed offness airing out in the open for public consumption and gossip mongers.

So on to topics that can be discussed among the four of you who read my blog. It's Easter weekend and that means one thing: dinner at Kristin and Kandice's. There is always good eating to be had a those ladies' house. I have been requested to once again make Angry Black Bitch's Corn Casserole Yumminess. In fact, it was such a hit last time I brought it for dinner that I've been instructed to bring two so there would be leftovers for everyone to take home.

I'll say this about the ABB, a Bitch knows how to cook a good casserole. Dayum good!

Other than that, I plan on either cleaning or sleeping all weekend. Wanna take bets which one wins out?

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Permalink | File Under: Cooking, Life

My hair has been a mess for a couple weeks and I've been too lazy to make an appointment to get it cut so I decided to go to a barber today.

I realized this morning that I haven't had a man cut my hair since I was a boy and went to my father's barber. Eventually, my aunt started cutting it and then one female stylist after another over the years. When my regular gal who's been cutting my hair since 1998 was on maternity leave, I went to a barber, but the barber available when I showed up was a woman. A woman who reeked of cigarettes and a tuna fish sandwich. Gross, but she gave a good cut.

I went to a shop that Deek goes too. "It's run by an old Mormon guy and he does a great job," he said. "Oh, and his son is very nice to look at."

He wasn't kidding. And he's the guy who cut my hair. He did a great job too.

Afterwards, I went to Deek's to show him my haircut and ask him a question.

"So when you're getting your hair cut, does the son press his cock against your arm when he's cutting? Cause that happened several times. Not that I'm complaining."

"Oh yeah, that's the bonus of getting your hair cut by the son and not the dad."

"I'll say. I gave him a big tip too for that," I said.

"Hell yeah! I usually just give the dad a dollar. I give the son five."

"Me too!"

I now see the benefits of going to barber.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I must make a public apology to every single person I encountered today. There was no viable reason for me to have been Señor Crankypants and bite your head off to get to the creamy center, but sadly I went there and did.

To the people I sneered at while in line at Starbucks, I apologize. I normally don't look like an scowling crag in the morning.

To my co-workers who are still relatively new working with me, welcome to the emotional roller-coaster that me. Just wait until I start with the hypochondria.

To my roommates, I'm sorry for walking in the door, looking at you with an annoyed look of exasperation, dropping EVERYTHING in my hands on the floor, no wait...strike that...THROWING everything in my hands on the floor and locking myself in my office to pout and stew. And thank you for cleaning the living room.

I have no excuse. I was inhabited by an evil spirit. She is gone now and hopefully will not return anytime soon.

Now, where's the chocolate?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

After 143 days without it, it is finally raining here. Not a schvitzig kind of rain, but an actual legitimate rain.

It was heavenly waking up to the sound of it this morning. I just curled up and fell back asleep several times hearing it beat down on the awning outside my window.

In August, I bought new windshield wiper blades for my car because the mighty sun that makes our summers 110°+ had melted mine to the point of uselessness.

They are still in the trunk of my car.

Oh well, I'll just stare at the rain today and worry about it tomorrow.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last night was Roller Derby. Apparently because of some code and inspection problem with the city they were ejected from their usual indoor location by da man. Of course I didn't know that until I got there but I was informed by the lovely and bewitching Sick Girl (I totally dig her bangs.) of the new location.

Now when she told me where it was gonna be, I was all, "Oh yeah, I know where that is." Turns out I didn't and let me tell you something: Union Hills and 40th Street is like a universe away from The Cocoon™ I call home. DAMN far away.

So I shlepped my ass across town. The new location was an outdoor venue, which was kind of fun. It had that high school team spirit kind of feel. Even though it's February and been in the 80s here, I didn't think it would be that cold. Oh...but I was wrong. It was chilly for sure. I was jealous of some people I saw sipping from a flask. They know how to stay warm.

I didn't have a camera with me except my camera-phone so no blurry over Photoshopped pics for you, but I did snap (and screw with) this one of my losing raffle ticket.

Sigh. No Ladmo Bag for Brian.

NEWS FLASH: This just in. Ouiser's getting hitched! Apparently she had the winning ticket! Go wish her congratulations or something.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Roller Derby

I wasn't feeling my best yesterday. Bit of a cold, but it usually doesn't last too long with me. My immune system is chock-full of vitamins, minerals and antioxidants that it takes a lot to get me full-blown sick.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that the devil set up shop in the back of my throat. So I pulled back the covers to get some water and immediately felt the nasty body aches that accompany true illness. Ugh. I made my way to a bottle of water and attempted to drink without gagging. Then I crawled back in bed and proceeded to hit my snooze every nine minutes until I felt it was an acceptable time to call my boss and let her know I was on the verge of death.

Eventually, I dragged my tired body to the shower. A blistering hot shower always makes it better. I brushed my teeth and gargled with a gallon of Listerine.

I haven't had alcohol in close to a year, but I had this guttural desire to make a hot toddy to soothe my throat. I googled for a recipe and found there is about a gazillion different variation of hot toddies. So I decided to wing it. Hot tea. Honey. Lemon. Lots of brandy. Another shot of brandy for a chaser. Mmmm...good stuff man.

I sipped my concoction while curled up on the sofa watching Pedro Almodovar's All About My Mother and fell asleep.

I blame the Germ Babies®.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting

Finally! A sport I can support and get into.Last night I went to the Arizona Roller Derby. Tough hot chicks. Short skirts. Fishnets. Roller Skates. Why can't all sports be this interesting?It was great fun. The chicks are cool and sometimes vicious. Plus there were lots of interesting people to people watch.One thing I found is it's pretty frickin' hard taking pictures of the roller girls in motion. Or standing still for that matter. Maybe it's the photographer. Nah. I think I'll just blame it on the camera. Too bad PhotoShop doesn't have a "fuck up fixer" tool.I'm still a little confused about how the ladies score, but I have one month until the next game to figure it out so I can truly be a fan.But which team should I support. I bought buttons for both teams playing last night and just clapped and cheered whenever other people did. But I feel to be a trye sports fanatic, I should have a favorite team. One I support. There are four here. And with player names like Sis Boom Barbie, Bea Naughty, Paige Burner, Jenna Jammerson (number 38DD!), Micky Dismantle and Mal Vicious, how's a fella to choose?(Seriously, these are totally drag queen names! Am I right?)Also, it seems there is a tournament in Tucson at the end of February. Twenty leagues from around the country will be playing. I may just have to drag a certain archaeologist to go with me.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Raving, Roller Derby

Homer...you aren't the first person to call me Satan. Won't be the last.

It is true. Homer and I have many laughs much to the sick amusement and delight of various debauched subjects and perverted speculations — some of which may be about you; you know who you are! — none of which are fit for publication in such a classy blog as mine. You, my dear baker's dozen of faithful readers, deserve nothing but the very best.

Then again, who am I kidding? I've had an alarming number of hits lately from Google Image searches looking for...EW..."girls pooping" thanks to this post.

So to all you searchers of pictures of defecating hotties, welcome. Enjoy your stay here but please, don't sit on the furniture.

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Permalink | File Under: Blogging, Life, Ranting

On Christmas Eve while I was sleeping, I don't know what is worse: being woken up at 2 AM by my noisy neighbors or the fact they woke me up playing Color Me Badd's I Wanna Sex You Up thus ensuring I had that dreadful song stuck in my head all day long on Christmas.

Julie gave Elliott this little cat bed. I put it inside his little kitty tent that he usually just sits in and he crawled in and slept for 9 hours. I'm convinced it is laced with Phenobarbital.

Saturday, Deek and I went to see Brokeback Mountain which we kept accidentally calling Bareback Mountin' like the third-graders we are. I will say this about Brokeback Mountain: Yes it's good and I suppose it is significant, but for a movie based on a short story, it's sooooooooooooo frickin' long. Afterwards I entertained Deek with my Ang Lee impression which basically consists of a terrible Chinese, overly-enthusiastic accent saying things like, "Today we make gay cowboy movie! Giddy-up!" and, "We need more sheep here. MORE sheep. More CGI sheep!"

Today I'm using a gift certificate I received to download the new album by The Weepies. It's good stuff. Check em out yo.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I have a feeling I am going to go into diabetic shock before the 25th. There is candy ALL OVER the place at my work. As if that weren't enough, people are bringing in homemade candy and cookies to pass out. I hope Jenny Craig has group rates cause we are going to need it.

So to retaliate and not add to the madness, I decided to not make holiday candy to give to my co-workers, but instead a mix CD of holiday tunes. I snagged a few of them from Womenfolk. Check out what's available. There's some cool stuff there.

Holiday Mix 2005

The Christmas Waltz - Peggy Lee
Christmas Time Is Here - Shawn Colvin
Blue Christmas - Bright Eyes
All That I Want - The Weepies
Let It Snow - Luscious Jackson
Christmas Song - Stevie Wonder & India.Aire
Baby, It's Cold Outside - Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
I'm Gonna Lasso Santa Claus - Brenda Lee
Merry Christmas from the Family - Jill Sobule
What a Wonderful World - Russ Taft

But then I had a change of heart and decided to add to the madness and made candy anyway.

Peppermint Bark

2 16 ounce packages white chocolate chips
3 cups puffed rice cereal
1 7.5 ounce package hard peppermint candies, unwrapped

Spray a 10x15 inch rimmed (tee hee) baking sheet with nonstick cooking spray; line with waxed paper.

Double bag and then crush the shit out of your candies. I used a wrench because I'm just a butch stud like that.

Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave. Stir in the cereal and spread to the edges of the pan.

Sprinkle the crushed candy and cover with another piece of waxed paper. Press and then chill in the fridge.

Break apart and enjoy the minty deliciousness.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

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Permalink | File Under: Cooking, Life, Music

On my way to work, on the morning I woke up at 4:30 am for no reason, I remember that that night I was going to the Nickel Creek concert. So that meant that after work I'd have to haul ass to get home, scarf down a granola bar or something and get to the theater in time to stand in line and wait to stand on a hard concrete floor for hours while people got drunk on cheap beer around me.

It was soooo worth it.

Mainly I wanted to go to hear the opening act, Mr. Andrew Bird. I saw him awhile ago when he opened for Ani Difranco and he blew me away. He is just the cutest. This adorable tiny little man. I wanted to fold him up and put him in my pocket.

After the Ani concert I bought his last album and have been crushing on it hard ever since. It's amazing to see him perform live. He plays the violin and guitar and loops a few bars of music with a sound board or something he controls with his feet and plays on top of what he just played. It's quite a sight to see.

He is also one mean whistler.

Nickel Creek were awesome. They are so talented. It was pretty cool to see so many people there for a group who get very little if any radio exposure. They rocked the mic and did many crowd-pleasing covers included one I had no idea was a cover or who it was orignally by until my friend Thomas told me afterwards. You can here a version of it here.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Raving

Ugh.

I woke up at 4:30 am this morning and was wide awake.

Ugh.

FOUR FUCKING THIRTY IN THE MORNING!

...

For no reason.

Luckily this is a perfect time to get some Christmas shopping done...online.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I went to Tucson today to attend Homer's 7th Annual Holiday Cookie Decorating and Craft Party in grand old Tucson. I really loves me some Tucson.

Sometimes I feel a tad out of place because the only person I know at Homer's parties is Homer, but fortunately all of his friends are very nice, friendly people. Tucson bloggers Richard (Panchesco) and Jim (Looking for Sam) were there. Jim's partner Chris made an impressive Christmas Shark out of pipe cleaners that I predict will be remembered for many holidays to come.

My hand-crafted ornaments now adorn our little tree here so to truly give it that third-grader decorative touch. I also made two holiday cards, one in honor of the Christmas Shark and one to give to Mary Mo, who is leaving The Company® for greener pastures which I don't want to discuss right now because it causes me great sadness. *sniff, sniff*

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life

Alright. Alright. Alright! NO MORE rambling posts about movies. I thought it was a good idea but WOW has readership dropped. (Well, that and I never post. Meh.) I have learned my lesson. No more Tolstoy-lenghth posts about girl power movies. Check.

I realize it's only like in the 40s overnight here and I have absolutely NO right to complain, but I'm sooooo cold today. My fingers and toes are cold. I keep crossing and tucking my hands under my arms for warmth. And while my whining is deemed unjustified by most, let's look this weather in relationship to the summer.

45 days of 110°+ weather. Oddly enough, I can suffer through that. Dipping down into the low 40s/30s: Brrrrr.

I have to admit though, it is nice to finally wear a sweater. I love sweaters, but only get to wear them like two months a year, if that.

I remember when I first moved here. That first winter. I was still wearing short sleeves everywhere. I thought people were insane for wearing coats. I didn't turn on my heater for the first two years I lived here. Now it's on the SECOND it dips into the low 50s.

My friend in Spokane said it's going to be in the negatives overnight there. I can't even imagine that without wincing and feeling great distress.

I think officially a desert dweller now.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting

Yesterday, I spent the day in Tucson with Homer to attend the All Souls' Procession. The All Souls' Procession is an annual community parade inspired by Mexico's Dia de los Muertos holiday. People dress in costume, pull alters commemorating the dead and hold photos of loved ones who have passed on.

LOTS of incense was burned at this event. *Ah-choo!*

It was truly a lot of fun. Homer made a sign to carry in the parade that had pictures of his mother's ancestors. At the end of the parade, Homer put is sign in the giant urn that would be burned at the end of the night is a celebratory bonfire.

After watching most of the parade, we joined it and walked among "the dead." This gave me a great opportunity to snag Homer's camera and take lots of pictures. Among my favorite costumes is the Praying Mantis Girl. PMG really got into and stayed in character all night.

My other favorites were the Dead Cub Scout who was cute as could be and of course Devo. When asked who they were by a parade watcher, they replied, "Devo." Then the parade watcher asked, "Who's Devo?"

Stunned silence. I shot that bitch a shocked expression.

So, they started listing Devo songs. Eventually Whip It! was the one that triggered Lady Amnesiac's memory.

"Are they dead?" she asked.

"No, but their career is," Devo #1 replied.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life

Thursday afternoon, Deek text-messaged me to ask if I want to go see Good Night, And Good Luck at the Camelview with he and Matt. Since I just got paid that day and needed to go fill my car with precious liquid gold and run some errands, I declined. Turns out Hugh Downs was there and did a Q & A afterwards. Deek asked Hugh what blogs he reads. Sadly, Hugh does not read mine.

Yeah, him and everyone else.

On Friday night, Deek, Matt and I decided to try a new Vietnamese place in our neighborhood. While eating our dinner, we noticed a distinguished, bald man enter and eventually sit in a booth by himself. Deek stared and noticed other people were checking the guy out too. "I think that's G. Gordon Liddy," he said.

"Does G. Gordon Liddy even live here?" I asked.

"Everyone lives here these days," he said.

Personally, I'm not convinced it was G. Gordon Liddy, mostly because I could give a rat's ass if it was him or not. When I suggested Deek go ask, he said no, citing that G. Gordon Liddy is a nutcase whack-job who'd probably go ballistic if approached by strangers. Apparently the guy heard this and shot us a look.

"Great! You are going to get our asses kicked by G. Gordon Liddy or his doppelgänger."

Last night, we were all going to go to the state fair, but Deek became violently ill either from food poisoning or good old fashion poisoning by a G. Gordon Liddy look-alike. So I did all the hot stuff a single gay guy does on a Saturday night. Laundry and shopping online for stuff to trick out my Mac mini.

I missed a couple calls while taking a shower. Apparently the Black-Eyed Peas were in town and were at the house of a Lady DJ® that lives next door to some friends. Yet I was comfy in my pajamas and in no condition to haul my ass across town, even for the Black-Eyed Peas.

After all, what would I say? "Hey....you know...like um...that song....you know the one...yeah...that was cool." I'm sure will.i.am would be all, "Who invited this cracker? and Fergie would flee for the hills.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life

So I'm at Trader Joe's and it's a glorious Sunday afternoon. Perfect day for the week's grocery shopping. I head for the store and stop by the carts to grab one.

There I find the oldest, worn, rusted, plain saddest little shopping cart in front of the bin full of bright, shiny new carts. As the Snottsdale Rich Bitches moved The Little Shopping Cart That Could out of there way so they could get a new, fancy cart for their shopping, they looked at it in disgust.

"You are simply too filthy to hold my groceries," they'd say just before they spat upon it.

TLSCTC looked up at me in shame with its big, sad eyes. "Nobody wants me," it whimpered.

"I'll take you!" I proclaimed. "I will help you fulfill your shopping cart destiny!" And with that I whisked TLSCTC from its bin and proudly pushed it into the store.

I wobbled it through the produce aisle and listen to the appalled crowd gasped. Whispers were heard as my rickety friend and I turned every corner. The Scottsdale Rich Bitches grabbed their children and covered their eyes so my brazen use of a rickety shopping cart wouldn't scar them.

I stuck my tongue out and made a face at each one of those little privileged snots. The fled in terror.

After I checked out, I took TLSCTC back to the bin so I could tell it goodbye. I can not lie. There were tears.

After we said goodbye, I grabbed my bag and noticed there was a sign on the seat.

Turns out TLSCTC was just a long way from home and its family.

The End.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

Homer watched Oklahoma last night. Being from Oklahoma, I've seen this musical on stage or film at least 237 times. Unless I'm mistaken, I believe it's a requirement for the Oklahoma Public Education system to see various productions of this musical ad nauseum. At this point, I think I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than see it again.

One summer when I was but a wee cheap blue guitarist, I was in the pit orchestra for the local community theater's production of Oklahoma. I played the mallet percussion: marimba, glockenspiel, etc.

You know what the person who plays the mallet percussion in the pit orchestra of Oklahoma does? Sits and watches the show A LOT because the mallet percussion only has about 42 measure of musical to play for the entire score. For weeks, I would sit for what felt like an eternity and then stand up, play my one measure of quarter notes and sit for another 18-20 minutes to wait for another.

I did however, by the time the show opened, have the WHOLE musical memorized since I had to sit through it soooooo many times. This made it easy to point out the cast's mistakes.

I'm convince that the guy who played Jud Fry was drunk every night, because each night he fucked up the auction scene. He said a different amount for his life savings every single time. One night he miraculously won Laurey's box lunch (dirty!) by underbidding the highest bid with like a paltry 37 cents or something. I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the cast hated him.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Adore him though I do, The Roommate's boyfriend is one of those impossibly straight guys. Not cocky or dreadfully homophobic. Just...how do I put this delicately? Kind of...dough-headed. If left to his own devices he'd probably wear white athletic socks with black shoes and adjust his jibblies in public. It's good he has a girlfriend and gay roommate to look after him.

The other day I was sitting at the computer, not blogging, while he was ironing his clothes for a job interview he had that afternoon. From across the room, I noticed something. I rolled my eyes and let out an exhaustive sigh.

"Give me your pants."

He turned to look at me with caution. "Why?" he said suspiciously.

"The ones you are ironing, not the ones you are wearing. Gah. Just hand them over."

Reluctantly he gave me his black slacks. I pointed at the back of the waist band. "Do you see these white strings?" He nodded. "They aren't suppose to be there. They only hold the tag for the sizing info and price while in the store. Once you buy them, you are supposed to take them off."

"How? They are stitched on."

I went to the hallway cabinets and pulled out a tin filled with sewing-type trinkets. I found what I was looking for.

"You have a tool for this?"

"Yes. It's called a seam ripper. It's a part of the gay tool belt they give you when you come out," I said dryly. "It's next to the bottles of lube and poppers."

"Poppers?"

Too much information might overwhelm the poor lad. "Never mind." I carefully extracted the white threads from his black pants. After inspecting that all thread were removed, I handed them back. "There you go."

"Wow! Thanks," he said examining his slacks.

"Now, what socks are you wearing to your interview?"

*For Crash

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I've been channeling my inner Monica today. I had all these lofty goals for the weekend. The Roommates™ left the Valley of the Sun for a weekend in San Diego...LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I remained in the ghost town. Friday I made a list of all the stuff I wanted to accomplish housecleaning-wise. Room by room, tasks listed for the whole house. However, the allure of sitting around in my underwear eating chinese delivery and watching Nexflix rentals won out over the list for the entire weekend.

(Oh. And obsessively playing with GarageBand. How frickin' addictive is that? It's like crack for me. Must. Make. More. Crappy. Techno. Music.)

So today is all about making penance for my sloth. I do believe that today I have successfully washed every single article of clothing I own. The sad thing is there was a pile of clothes in the corner of my closet and I couldn't determine if they needed washing or not. So for good measure I did. Now they all hang neatly in my closet or are folded and tucked away in my chest of drawers that I can finally see the top of instead of another pile of clothes.

Of course the clothes hid the fact the chest needs dusting. So maybe there was something beneficial about the pile.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Mac

So, I'm running late to my birthday dinner because we had a power outage in my neighborhood and it caused all sorts of problems with the house alarm. On my way to dinner, I phone Deek to see if he lost power too.

"I don't know. I'm in Mesa right now at work. Call Matt and see."

After finishing my call with Deek, I scroll through my phone to Matt and press the send button. After a few rings he answers.

"Hello."

"Hey. Do you have power?"

"Um...yeah, I've got power," he said cautiously.

"Weird. My power's out."

"No. We have power." I could tell he didn't recognize my voice.

"It's Brian." I wait for recognition. I don't get it. "Deek's friend."

"Who?"

I tell him my full name. I look at the display on my phone and realize I'm not calling a local number, but remember Matt was using his previous number before getting a local plan.

"Am I calling your old number?" I ask confused, because I swore I programmed the new number when he got it.

"No," he said with hesitation. "I don't have a new number."

Okay, I think. Something's amiss here.

"Who are you calling?" he asked.

"Matt. Deek's friend. The one he lives with." I asked trying to figure out what's off here. Is Matt fucking with my head? I didn't dial this number, so it must be him...right?

"I don't know Deek or live with him."

"Oh." Well fuck. Now I'm more confused than before.

"How did you get my number?"

"I don't know. I thought you gave it to me. I'm sorry for bothering you. I must have the wrong number."

"No problem." And we hang up.

Now color me confused. I'm trying to put it all together in my mind and nothing makes sense. So I scroll through my numbers and I find two Matts. My Matt — the one in my neighborhood — is the second number.

"Who is this other guy?" I wonder. I mean it's not that uncommon for numbers of anonymous men to be in my cell phone, but this was ridiculous. Then it hits me.

"Holy shit! It's MAK!"

Last Labor Day, I was to visit my friends in New York and MAK gave me his phone number for when I got there. I programmed it in my phone and it has sat there ever since. Both Matts have similar last names and I used the first one I found.

I phoned back to explain, however my call went to voicemail and I left what was probably an equally crazy message. Who can blame him for not answering? One insanity call per night is more than enough.

Sorry MAK! Hope all is well. :-)

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Permalink | File Under: Chats, Life

I turn thirty-six today.† I have no trepidation in revealing my age. I am, as they say, "okay with it." The whole buildup has been very much a non-event. Maybe I've finally hit that mark where I don't feel like I have to do anything to celebrate.

Oh, I have plans. Very low-key ones. Nothing big or noisy. And that's just the way I want it.

I was looking forward to seeing a free movie at Harkins, however I found out they no longer do that. I did however receive a free lunch from Daphne's Greek Cafe because I signed up for their eClub a few weeks ago. While not terribly authentic, I have to say it wasn't half bad. And I loves me some Avgolemono Soup.

So, thirty-six feels very much the same as thirty-five. As probably it should.

This is what thirty-six looks like.

*Shameless. I know. Cut me some slack. It's my birthday.†

†Technically I'm posting this a few hours before it is officially my birthday. I'm old and need my sleep.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

To help secure my place in homodom, yesterday Kacy came over to teach me how to crochet.

It. Was. Not. Easy.

I felt like one of those poor schlubs on Queer Eye being taught how to dance or properly groom themselves only to look jerky in their awkward movements because styling their hair or doing the foxtrot is completely foreign to them.

To add to the challenge, it apparently doesn't help that I am left-handed and Kacy is right-handed. But she is a very patient instructor, taking her time to show me in remedial detail what I need to be doing. After diligently working on my chain, I'd show her to check my progress. "That's good," she'd say encouragingly.

"Really?" I'd say in disbelief. "It looks like something the cat spit up."

So my homework for the week is to master the basic chain stitch and single crochet. After that, the lessons can continue.

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life

I came home around 8 PM after having pizza and gelato with Deek and Matt to find my air conditioning on the fritz. This does not make for a happy Friday summer's eve here in the desert. Unfortunately, I doubt the repairperson will be coming since it is dark and the unit is on the roof, which would be dangerous for him to repair in the dark. If it's bad, I can always crash at a friend's for the night.

This morning I heard the perky blonde weather chick talk about how hot is will be and how it is expected to break LOTS of records next week temperatures-wise.

Lovely.

Luckily The Roommates™ are missing all the sweaty drama. They left for Oklahoma this morning. The Boy Roommate is meeting the Girl Roommate's family. I don't know which is worse: going to Oklahoma or meeting your girlfriend's family for the first time.

I was looking forward to having the house to myself (Bow Chicka Bow Wow!) however this whole lack of cool is well, not so cool. Adam said it best. "This weather makes me want to cuddle with a bad of ice."

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting

Time to fess up. The Summer Not of Love™ didn't even last a full twenty-four hours. What can I say. Apparently I am a whore. However, I am determined to get back on the wagon. Or is it off the wagon? I'm never sure about that one.

So far this weekend has been filled with good food and fun people. Friday I met Adam, Kacy, The Greg, Crazy Amy and Trinity for a lovely Mexican dinner to welcome her cousin, Renee to Phoenix. I brought my Papal Adam Man Purse. It was a big hit with everyone.

Okay...after making this list of everyone's blogs, I have to admit I'm experiencing a bit of URL envy. Maybe it's time for me to make the jump into my own domain instead of kickin' it old skool with my Blog*Spot account.

I spent yesterday morning at the hellish outlet mall in Tempe. I find in a bit frustrating that there is not a Verizon store anywhere near me however that mall has one store and two kiosks. That's a total of THREE merchandisers in ONE crappy mall.

I find shopping a bit frustrating. One good thing to come out of the Rap Industry® is the abundance of stylish clothes for larger gents, however I just can't see myself going to work with FUBU or PHAT FARM embroidered on my chest. Plus there are just some looks, I don't think I — in my middle-aged whiteness — can pull off. I would be such a poser in a G Unit shirt.

Last night, Adam and I went to see Look at Me, the French equivalent of a long, drawn-out episode of thirtysomething. Don't get me wrong. I liked thirtysomething, but I was seriously falling asleep at the beginning of this movie waiting for SOMETHING to happen. Overall, it was a well-acted nice little flick.

So far today, I have skillfully procrastinated not going to the grocery store and the Water & Ice store, both I need to patron desperately. Yesterday I resorted to a lunch of spoonful of peanut butter and a handful of pistachios. I should probably also go to the craft store to make sure I am stocked up with supplies to ensure The Summer Not of Love™ doesn't get off course again.

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Permalink | File Under: Blogging, Dating, Friends, Life

So you may remember I was on this eating healthier and trying to lose weight thing....right? Well, you know how the story goes. I lost some and then I got lazy and since I never step on a scale unless I'm at the doctor's office, the weight gain from what I lost has been unconfirmed yet is most likely. The clothes still fit like they did before, but that doesn't mean much.

Part of it was that I pulled my back and became immensely immobile and lacked the desire to do anything for a while and the other part was I NEEDED SOME FRICKIN' CARBS DAMNIT!

It's not like I went out and ate nothing but cake and pie. But c'mon...I can have the restaurant around the corner that will deliver the best Thai sweet chili chicken right to my front door. Convenience and Asian-goodness with just one phone call. Yummy food and Sex and the City on DVD. What else do I need? Plus, I came to the conclusion that there would always be someone heavier than me willing to sleep with me. So what's the point. I was oddly comforted by that realization while I enjoyed my brown rice. That is, until I looked at the calendar and realized my routine doctor's checkup was just around the corner.

I'm one of those believers in preventive medicine so I do go to the doctor every three months or so just to check everything out and such. I do it for my car...why not me too, you know? Plus, I actually like going to see my doctor. He's a nice man and very good at what he does. I can bring up anything that's going on with me without fear of embarrassment or what not. Through all the crap I went through last year, he was very comforting.

But when I saw the appointment I knew what was in store for me. That look of disappointment. The look that says, "But, you were doing so well. What the hell happened?"

I'm not ready to see that look. I find it humorous that it even matters but I guess he represents a sort of parental figure to me. For what ever dumb reason...I want his approval and fear his disapproval.

So I called his office this morning and rescheduled my appointment for later this summer. I have a little over nine weeks to get back on the program and start showing a little progress for fear of the look.

It may be a stupid reason — doing it for him and not for me — but hey...whatever works. Right?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Whenever I catch up with one of my friends I haven't talked to in a while, inevitably the conversation takes a now familiar turn with this question.

"So how are things going now that he has moved in?"

The he in question is The Roommate's Boyfriend who is now living with us. It's asked in a tone of voice that suggests the asker already knows the answer. That answer being that it's dreadful, I hate it and I can't wait for the lease to be up.

But they are wrong and are always surprised when I tell them things are wonderful and he fits very nicely into our happy little home. He's a great guy and very easy to live with. If anything, I'd be worried more for him since The Roommate and I have been living together for...holy shit! I had to actually think about it and count it up...almost SEVEN years! She and I have been used to our quirks and menstrual cycles for quite a while. Sometimes, I think he gets a little freaked out when we speak in our own language of inside jokes and colloquialisms.

Elliott, The Cat™, crushes on him hard. He's totally in love with him. He follows him EVERYWHERE and is so excited when he gets home. I think The Cat™ like him more than the two of us combined.

There are also benefits to having The Roommate's Boyfriend live here. When he's at the store buying groceries and calls The Roommate to ask about the shopping list, I can yell out "get some cookies" and viola!..cookies are on the way to my house. And I don't even have to tip.

The Roommate's Boyfriend drives a pickup. I try not exploit this too much because I know guys with pickups get tired of having everyone ask them to haul shit, but it has come in handy a few times and all it cost me was dinner.

But of course, the best thing about having him around is he makes The Roommate™ very, very happy. Cause if The Roommate™ ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Let me begin by saying this. Yes. Yes, I know. I know I am about a thousand years behind the rest of you. You with your cable or satellite television. You with your Sunday night rituals. You who are no doubt still in mourning over its departure. I am well aware this post is about three years late. I hang my head in shame. I am a bad homo and a worse television watcher. Please forgive me.

I am just now getting around to seeing Sex and the City. Last month a co-worker started loaning me her DVDs. The last several weekends have been spent watching back-to-back episodes. It has been a total waste of my weekend hours, but ever so satisfying and addictive. I am almost finished with Season Three at this point.

Adam has been doing the same thing with his Netflix queue. He's a few seasons ahead of me. Due to this overexposure he began having dreams about the show, mostly of a sexual nature involving Sarah Jessica Parker. This week, I had my first SATC dream, however mine aren't raunchy. Mine are just fucked up. So there they were, all four actresses, on a soundstage some where in Hollywood, California with Richard Karn.

That's right kids. I dreamt the women of Sex and the City were contestants on Family Feud.

WHAT is wrong with me?

They all looked Patricia Field-styled fabulous. Each took their turn facing off the other contestants to decide if they would pass or play that round. Each round was played efficiently. My favorite part was when it was Cynthia Nixon's turn. She walked up in a stunning red dress with big ass purse to match. Once she arrived at the podium, she reached inside her purse and pulled out her Emmy for Best Supporting Actress and proceeded to polish it, beaming with a proud smile.

You may be asking at this point, "But Brian...Family Feud consists of teams of five. Who was the fifth teammate?" Get ready for this one. It's a curveball.

Fran Lebowitz.

That's right. Sardonic writer slash humorist Fran Lebowitz was the fifth team player for Team Sex and the City. They stood tall in their brightly-colored couture fashions while Fran looked ashen, gray and slumped over in baggy jeans and an old, frayed cardigan. I think I remember her smoking too.

The next morning, I'm telling Adam about my dream.

BRIAN: I wonder why Fran Lebowitz was there.
ADAM: Have you considered she may be your animal spirit guide? She seems to come up a lot.
BRIAN: She does? When has she come up before?
ADAM: I can't remember specifically but you're the only person who's ever mentioned her, so it stands out.
BRIAN: Maybe I'm the only person who's ever mentioned her because I have an arsenal of obscure pop culture references at my disposal.
ADAM: Yep. Or because she's your animal spirit guide. I like that idea better.

Why can't Helena Bonham Carter be my animal spirit guide? Damnit. I never dream about her.

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Permalink | File Under: Chats, Dreams, Life

For some reason the good vibes from yesterday's affirmation didn't seep into today because today absolutely dreadful. Ever have one of those days where everything you do is wrong? That no matter how many times you do something, no matter how many times you think you've checked and re-checked and think that for the love of gawd THIS time you must have finally gotten it right only to be told, yet again, that no, you didn't...you fucked up...AGAIN...and to do it over and that happens to you like a bazillion times over and over all day long? You have? Well welcome to my Tuesday. The captain would like to draw your attention out the left side of the plane. In the distance you may be able to make out the tattered, smoking remains of my career.

But enough about that. Here at cheap blue guitar, we are all about the love. And looking towards the positive and not dwelling on the negative. And Scooby-Doo Baked Cinnamon Graham Cracker Sticks. We are really into those right now.

An amusing story about the said graham cracker sticks. About a week before I purchased them, I had bought a box of Scooby Snacks dog treats for Deek's insane yet lovable dog. They have been on the dining room table since I brought them home. Last week, The Roommate was late getting home so The Other Roommate (aka The Roommate's boyfriend) and I were watching TV together. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the box of graham cracker sticks, sat down, opened the box and started eating a few. I looked over and The Other Roommate was staring at me, jaw dropped. I leaned the box over to him and offered him some. He looked at me in horror.

"Isn't that dog food, man?"

Silly boy. We had a nice laugh. The straight male roommate and I bonded.

Okay...back to focusing on better days. I just found out that Aimee Mann has a new album coming out and my current issue of Paste has a sample. I can feel myself actually yearn for this new album. There is just something about Mann's music that completely enamours me. No one writes about dysfunction and addiction quite as well as she does, and aren't we all better for it really?

Another positive is Adam cut his trip short and is back home. And aren't we all better for it too really? After all, he should be close to home in case the Vatican calls.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest human battle ever and to never stop fighting.

— e. e. cummings

A dear friend of mine emailed this to me. It was such a perfect little gift and exactly what I needed that I thought it only fitting to share it with you in case you need a little lift too.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

After a week of combat, my allergies have planted their flag in my bloody carcass and declared me their bitch. I'm completely useless this weekend. So far I've watched Mean Girls with and without the commentary and then every single special feature the disc holds because oddly enough, while I am feeling well I have no attention span however when I'm feeling like shit I can watch TV all day.

I'm testing the effects of sugar-free Reece's peanut butter cups on my allergies. My hypothesis is they will help. I don't really have a placebo to complete my research but honey graham cookies from Trader Joe's seem to work well in a pinch.

Is the adage "feed a cold, starve a fever, binge an allergy attack?" If so, I have that covered.

Meanwhile, while I am trying my best to hold up my head while enduring an antihistamine-induced fugue state, The Cat™ is demanding my full attention RIGHT NOW. Even though the whole world revolves around his needs and there are three...count them...THREE PEOPLE in this house who lavish him with attention every moment he is awake, it's apparently just not enough. He's currently trying to not only sit on my lap but also push the keyboard pull-out back under the desk because he knows I'd rather type than focus on him.

Sigh.

Sometimes I wish he was a kid and I could just put in a Wiggles DVD and sit him in front of it to occupy his time.

(This filling up space with cat chat isn't so hard.)

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Permalink | File Under: Elliott, Life, Ranting

The summer after I graduated college, my grandfather committed suicide. He and I were never close. Technically, he wasn't my grandfather, but my step-grandfather. He loved his children and their children very much. They were his legacy and carried on his Native American heritage where as I was just a reminder of his wife's previous marriage.

I have a clear memory of my grandfather introducing my cousin and I to his neighbor one afternoon. Calling over the fence, the neighbor said, "Who you got with you today DA?"

My grandfather lifted my cousin off the ground raising him so he could see over the fence. "This is my grandson Shawn," he beamed. He lowered my cousin slowly until his feet touched the ground. Then he grabbed me, hoisted me in the air and said, "This is Dean's boy," and let go so I fell to the ground with a loud thud.

That's what it was always like or at least what it always felt like growing up in my family. I had nothing in common with them except for a some DNA. They bonded over OU Football and I read comic books by myself. They went hunting and fishing while I dreamt of running away with The Captain and Tennille. Hell, I didn't even look like them. They with their Native American heritage and dark features and I with my blue eyes and Wonder Bread blandness. They were the rocking cool Partridge Family and I was Danny who looked like my last name should be Kincaid instead of Partridge.

Their only contact with me is through my mother and shit...who knows what she's telling them, although I'm starting to get an idea since my uncle's wife asked me if I was "still dating that one girl." But that's a whole other post or two for a future date.

My brief time in Oklahoma to attend my grandmother's funeral was filled with standard chit-chat. Mind-numbing, soul-deadening, stomach-churning chit-chat. They know very little about me, except I live in Arizona. So most of the chit-chat is centered around two minute topics: work and the weather. Each time I'm asked what I do for a living, I explain in a few words what I do. Immediately there is a misunderstanding because the next thing said is "Oh! You can build me a website!" I then politely explain that I'm not a web designer and don't build websites per se (which is of course a big fat lie), but rather I just manage the content on websites for my company. Once they recover from their blank stare, they then switch to the weather where I continually have to affirm, "yes...it does get hot there."

I'm continuously introduced to people with "Brian, you remember ______, doncha?" After about four of these, I just stop lying and say apologetically "No, I don't." Meeting all of these spouses and their children was a little overwhelming after a while. I kept thinking "I barely know the person you are married to and now I'm expected to remember YOUR name!?"

I don't want to give the impression that I hate my family. I don't. I just don't really know them. Even when I was living in the same state as them, I rarely visited them. There really didn't seem to be a reason to. Back then, the chit-chat focused on college. "How's school?" "It's fine." End of subject.

The reception after the funeral was at my uncle's house. Tons of nameless faces shuffled from room to room. Every now and then, someone would pause to ask me a question. "Yes. The summers can be very brutal in Phoenix," I'd answer while doing the mental addition of how many hours left in this town.

Back in Phoenix, Deek picks me up at the airport. "How was it?"

"I had a constant headache from all the cigarette smoke and there are seven Wal-Marts within a five-mile radius of my uncle's house."

"Sounds dreadful. Do you want to get lunch?"

We go to the cafe were we are recognized as regulars, sit at the counter and make small talk with the staff. It is here where I feel comfortable. Here where I feel a part of something.

I smile and think to myself, "It's good to be home."

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Permalink | File Under: Friends, Life, Thinking

...he was having a particularly crappy day. That crappy day turned into a crappy week, but then but Friday at 6 PM (aka Quittin' Time) all was good.

The weekend has been filled with gorgeous weather and exploring local neighborhoods on my bike. All week long I thought of nothing else but riding my bike around. It's as if all of the week's woes and stresses melt away while I'm pedaling through my town.

Today, while biking into uncharted neighborhoods, Deek and I ran across something truly frightening. A woman, late sixties or so, on her bike. She was a strange orange color. Maybe a sunless tanning lotion gone bad. She looked like a cross between Elaine La Lanne and Leni Riefenstahl. But here's where the scary part starts.

She started cat calling us. "Woof!" she yelled from across the street.

I wish I were joking.

After she yelled out that Deek had great legs and we were both "good-looking fellas," we quickly made a detour into cul-de-sac hell just to get away from her.

And now here's an even scarier something. I'm leaving in a few hours to fly to Oklahoma for my grandmother's funeral. I have very mixed feelings about seeing a family who feel like a bunch of strangers to me again. I'm bringing lots of music and things to read in hopes of thwarting actual conversation. It seems to work best that way.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Enough said.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

The place I work subscribes to a bunch of magazines for the break room. The other day I thumbed through a couple of the entertainment ones while I ate my lunch. Kirstie Alley has been getting a lot of press for her new comeback series Fat Actress. On paper it seems like a pretty shrewd concept: poking fun at one's self and Hollywood's ridiculous obsession with the thin and beautiful, however I'm not sure how entertaining I would find watching someone fish burger crumbles out of her cleavage.

For those of you who haven't seen me—or are blind—I am fat. Now's the part when my not-fat friends chime in to say, "Oh Brian, you aren't fat!" It's very sweet of them to lie like that, but it's true. Now don't get me wrong, no one's gonna have to cut a hole in the side of the house so I can be loaded on a flatbed and taken in for gastric bypass surgery any time soon, but when your doctor gingerly says to you, "I'd like to talk to you about your weight," you are fat.

On some levels I accept my size. Even if I were to lose a ton of weight, I'd still be considered a big guy. I'm tall and have a broad frame. I've never expected to be any less than what I should be. I've only wanted to be healthy.

So for the last few years, I've made a lot of changes to my diet. I've added some things. I've taken away some things. At the beginning of the year, I got more serious about watching what I ate. It was a struggle. It's ALL I thought about. I treated it the same as when I quit smoking (which of course, I gained weight from) and focused on it intently. I eventually lighten up a little about it, but it's still on the forefront of my mind.

As for exercise, we have a difficult relationship. I fell out of going to the gym regularly a few months ago and haven't worked my way back into the habit. It will happen again, but for now let's just say I'm on a hiatus.

I should also mention I don't own a scale. The Roommate™ does but I rarely use it. I'd rather hear it from my doctor and let me tell you when he said, "you've lost twelve pounds over the last three months," I thought I might dry hump him right there.

That's right...12 POUNDS! It's not gonna land me on the cover of People Magazine with a before and after shot, but I'm pretty happy about it. To celebrate I ate a half gallon of ice cream. Okay, not really, but I did allow myself to have pizza and it was the best damn pizza EVER.

And then I threw it up.

Kidding again.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Pop culture and I are apparently not on speaking terms. I called Homer this evening and he said he was on his way to an Oscar® party. "The Oscars® are today!?" I had no idea, which is odd because for the past many years I've had a ritual of watching them and calling my friend Karla during the commercials to kvetch about them. She'll be disappointed I wasn't there to answer the phone.

It really shouldn't be a surprise I didn't know. My TV is rarely on. I only follow two shows. Other than that, it's only ever on for Netflix rentals.

I'm starting to wonder what else I've been missing. Is Anthony Edwards still on ER? What is the current ratio of Law and Orders to CSIs?

My television watching is becoming even more sporadic now because our set is dying a slow and lingering death. The picture tube is going bad so every now and then the screen fades to black and doesn't come back. The first time this happened I was watching an episode of OZ and the fade coincided with a fade during the show. It took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't suppose to be that way. "That's funny. They had a blackout in Em City, but no one's talking about it."

I wonder what it would be like to just not have a TV. It's not like a really need it. I might actually do some...oh I don't know...reading which is suppose to be...you know...Good for You™. I haven't read a book since I started taking the anti-depressants last year. Once I did, my mind felt weirdly carbonated and I had a hard time focusing on anything. I couldn't get through a magazine article or a long blog post. Forget about a book. Even though I've been off them for almost six months, my attention span hasn't been the same.

Of course that hasn't stopped me from buying books like I do read them. I have a ton of books just waiting to have the bindings cracked. They sit piled in four tall stacks on the floor next to my night stand. (Note to self: buy a book shelf!)

I think I'll be back to reading soon though. The other night I was feeling a bit restless and picked up my copy of Augusten Burrough's Magical Thinking from one of the stacks. I thumbed through it. Read the table of contents, the acknowledgements, the dedication page. You know...everything but the actual fucking book. But that's progress...right?

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Last week, a man I met while volunteering at the community center died. His name was Gordon. I wasn't extremely close to Gordon, but we had mutual friends so I saw him periodically on social occasions and a few holidays.

To be honest, I usually kept a certain amount of distance from him. From the first time I met Gordon, it was apparent he was a button pusher so I kept him at arm's length to prevent him from pushing mine. I think there may have been a certain amount of amusement for him because of this. While in New York for Cheryl and Micheale's wedding, we out-of-towners spent a day together exploring the city. During that day I constantly deflected his attempts to goat me. One after another. At one point I had to laugh to myself because man! he was certainly persistent.

Gordon's death was an accident and very unexpected. For the last week, I've watched myself and my friends walk around in a sort of fog. "I can't believe this happened. It just doesn't seem real," has been said more than once. Over the years, as a group, we've all dealt with death. Kooka's father. Cheryl's mother. For those times we did what friends do. We comforted and supported the best we could but there were limits. Those deaths were within their families. Cheryl lives in New York. Kooka's father was buried in Israel. There was only so much we could do.

But this death was within our family. I remember that being said a lot during Cheryl and Micheale's wedding...that it was important that not only their birth families were there to witness the ceremony, but however very important it was to have the family we chose and built to be there as well.

People flew in for the service and we were all there to show support for Gordon's partner. Flanked by Gordon's family and his own, I think he was genuinely touched to see us all there.

I'm not sure if Gordon had made arrangements for what he wanted in case of his death. His service seemed to be very much who he was, very spiritual, sort of new agey and filled with moments of laughter. It was called a "Celebration of Life" service and it was truly that. I think we all learned things about Gordon we didn't know that night. Isn't it said that that's usually how it is? We learn more about someone when they die that when they were living.

During the service, the minister officiating asked us to close our eyes and envision one quality about Gordon that stood out to us. One quality that made him Gordon to us. I knew right away what it was for me.

His passion.

When Gordon believe in something, an idea, a cause, whatever...he went for it with both barrels loaded. He never did anything half-assed. When Micheale was moving to New York to be with Cheryl, Gordon called me about her going-away party. He wanted to know what I had in mind. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a party planner. A few years ago, I had a potluck for my birthday. A friend of mine was concerned that I wasn't assigning dishes to be brought. "What if you end up with twenty bags of chips?" she said. "Then we will have twenty bags of chips."

I had a similar attitude about this event as well. Gordon, of course, had other ideas. After many questions about the food (what where we having, who was bringing what, should we order a cake) I finally said, "Gordon? Would you like to plan the food for the party?" He replied, "well...only if you want me to."

Oy.

A couple weeks later, after receiving many instructions from the master planner, we had a lovely Mexican feast for Micheale's last Saturday in Arizona. It was a very nice evening and a wonderful send off for our dear friend.

Gordon's passion lead him to the community center where I met him. He fiercely believed in community service. He was one of the chairs for the library committee while I ran one of the phone teams. Gordon felt very strongly about the preservation and care for the Center's library, an archive of gay and lesbian literature and history. Eventually the Center closed its doors, however Gordon's commitment didn't end. He worked very hard to ensure the collection was sustained eventually working with the Phoenix Library and a research library at ASU where the archive exists and is kept together today.

A couple years ago, I participated in a community protest against an organization that endorses reparative therapy for homosexuals. Even after all the volunteering I did for the GLBT community center here, that day was the first time I ever felt like there was a community here in Phoenix. It was amazing the number of people that turned out for it, all working together for one common goal, the greater good.

At his memorial I remembered, it all started because of Gordon. One man made a huge impact simply by the force of his passion. I'd say that's pretty incredible.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

Yesterday our landlord left us a message to let us know they processed The Roommate's boyfriend's application and he has been approved to move in. It was a strange message they left. In it they said "We approve of him and your relationship." (Uh...gee thanks, I guess.) They are kind of weird like that.

To celebrate we ordered a ton of chinese food and watched TV. I recently joined NetFlix so we are going to have an Oz - Season 3 palooza at Casa de los Tres all week. (Or should it be Casa de los Cuatro since there is The Cat.)

Mmm...sesame chicken and Chris Meloni. I ask you, "what else do you need?"

In other news, my back is getting better but still nowhere near normal. It's going to take some time. I'm more mobile than I was but still crooked looking and have huge bouts of pain. Bleah. I'm trying to navigate it as much as possible without the aid of pain killers. I may wax romantic about those little blue pills in posts on this blog, but in truth, I hate taking them and am ever cautious about feeling like a need them. There have been way too many addicts in my family. I don't need to join there ranks.

My current back woes have postponed my plans to purchase a bicycle. I love my neighborhood but realize I drive my car way too much around it. It's kind of pathetic really. And lazy. Plus, I live near a gorgeous park with great biking trails. And it's good exercise and blah blah blah, you know. Hopefully, I'll be cleared for activity other than walking like an old man and buckling over with spasms soon.

But enough about me. If you haven't already, go wish the Zenchick a happy birthday.

PS - Don't really come knock on my door; I won't answer. I'm kind of weird like that.

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Permalink | File Under: Life

the pain is so sharp
little blue pills will help me
time to slur my speech

they make my skin itch
with their pain-killing goodness
it's so hard to pee

i feel loopy but
can not operate heavy
machinery now

pain meds and the phone
kind of like drunk dialing but
with much more giggling

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Permalink | File Under: Life

To quote Bart Simpson, "I didn't think it was possible, but this both sucks and blows." That's my week so far. Sunday, I was doing housework and while in the kitchen, reaching for something, I felt a sharp pull in my lower back. Soon after I was walking around like a little, old, hunched over man.

Heed my lesson all: Housework can kill. Don't do it.

But ever so the trooper, I've been at work regardless. Partly because I have no PTO yet, but mostly because we have a bunch a crap to do on the first of the month. I mean it was ridiculous the amount of stuff that all had to happen on Feb. 1. and I have to wonder "why?" But whatever...I'm not paid to think, I'm paid to do my job so there I was, in pain, plugging away at my workload.

Because it's uncomfortable to sit, stand, walk, lie down, and pretty much everything else, I was a little less than my usual chipper self. Apparently it was noticeable. "You're grumpy," IMed the graphics designer. I didn't want to be, but at that point, didn't care.

This afternoon, I was able to go to a chiropractor for an initial adjustment and tests. When I got back I had some lovely emails market urgent with that soothing red exclamation point. Apparently I fucked up in a big way the day before during the Hell Day at work. I profusely apologized and corrected the problem immediately, but I have to wonder if there will be any ramifications.

I won't bore you with the other details of how this week has sucked ("Too late," you say.) but needless to say I can't WAIT for the weekend. Besides the reprieve from the daily crap-fest and pain, a certain Martha Stewart-loving archeologist is coming to town to paint the town Persimmon. Of course that means I need to get some house cleaning done first.

Ouch!

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Permalink | File Under: Life

I live in a touristy part of the Metro Phoenix area known as Old Town Scottsdale. It's filled with lots of pricey art galleries and Southwest-type souvenirs shops. There are trendy yuppie bars and many statues of horses and the cowboys who ride them. There are odd little specialty stores devoted to various crafts like knitting, needlepoint and "stamping"...whatever the hell that is. There is even a store that sells nothing but Christmas paraphernalia year round.

I think most of the time, I tend to forget Old Town is littered with vacationing guests, until I go to Starbucks. If you just sit outside and sip your beverage you will start to see all the out-of-state license plates and people wandering with little maps.

This afternoon's parade was straight out of John Waters. To the east, a chatty cell phone talking tranny who must have made 10 calls while I was there.

To the west, a couple of white collar, motorcycle riding, Hell's Angels wannabees. I only wish I had a camera so I could have taken a photo of their Barbie Dream Choppers. The real Hell's Angels would have had them for lunch.

There were two bois from Colorado wandering around. Can someone tell me when Izods with the collar flipped up came back into fashion, because I'd like to register as a conscientious objector. I lived through that shit once already. In 1984. It was dumb then. It's dumb now.

And then there are of course the Snowbirds. The Snowbirds migrate to Phoenix during the winter so they can enjoy our snowless mostly balmy weather during the harshest times of there homes in the North and Midwest. They drive really big cars very slowly and usually with a turn signal on constantly. Why they need caffeine, I'm not sure but I hope it doesn't keep them from their 4 PM dinner reservations.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Ranting

I've made resolutions at the end of the year before, but a couple years ago I learned two very important things about them. First, you should never limit yourself to first-of-the-year resolutions. You should always look for opportunities to grow, change and better yourself. Evolution is a life long process and if you want to do something or change something about yourself, then do it now.

The other thing I learned has been so well said by Superhero Andrea: "Resolutions are a setup for failure...because we are not inspired by deprivation." I am ALL about creating things for yourself.
I believe everyone has the power within them to build a great and extraordinary life. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but it IS doable.

I think it is natural to reflect on the past year when it is ending. This morning before I left my house, I was thinking about my life one year ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life. Every day was a chore to get through. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I felt dead to the world and everything around me seemed lifeless and distant. I hated my life.

Today, I love my life. It's by no means glamorous and nothing particularly exciting happens, but it's a pretty great life filled with people I love, laughter and color. I take such pleasure in the little things. Being greeted with a "Hey Brian" when I pick up my breakfast from my favorite cafe. Making the lady at the UPS Store laugh. Getting my eighth purchase of tea free at the coffee shop. Watching my cat sleep. Getting instant messages at work that make me laugh out loud. The other day someone asked me how my day was. I said it was great. He asked, "what was so great about it?" I told him I didn't know, it just was. That's how I feel lately. Everything is good and the way it's suppose to be.

I love, love, love the idea of the Mondo Beyondo list. Making a list of things so far-fetched, you think they could possibly never happen. Things that can actually scare you to write them down. A very cool idea. I encourage you all to write your own and share it, either here, on your own blog or on Andrea's.

• I will talk to strangers and really listen to them
  


• Host sock puppet kareoke night
  


• Start freelancing
  


• I will be 100% debt free for the rest of my life
  


• Become one of those crazy active people who are always doing things like hiking, yoga and stuff
  


• Travel the world and learn its music
  


• Create a family
  

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Lists, Mondo Beyondo, Sharing

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Photos

I've never been a believer of fortune telling. I credit this to the educational programming of my youth, mainly the television show Alice. Alice taught me three things. First, I learned what grits were. Second, I learned the Uncle Bud song that Diane Ladd's character Belle sang. I still remember all the words. And lastly, Alice taught me that fortune telling and curses and such are crap.

Once Alice caught a fake Gypsy (I have to wonder if there were actually Gypsies around in the Seventies or just fake ones?) lifting silverware from Mel's Diner. To punish Alice for calling her out, she puts a hex on her involving the color brown. Alice then becomes a walking disaster. She drops a brown tray of dishes. I think something happened involving a man who's last name was Brown. I don't really remember. But I do remember, she eventually figures out it's all a mind game and calls the bogus Gypsy's bluff.

Through the tutelage of Alice, I learned that hexes and curses were a load of crap. I just sort of parlayed that into everything else along that same line: palm reading, crystal balls and tarot cards. So imagine my surprise when at Halloween I paid twenty bucks to have my cards read.

I had no interest in it when I went to the party. They had a separate room set up for her. Everyone told me she's always been very accurate with their reading for years. I was skeptical, but slightly intrigued. I kind of wanted to see it for myself so I could expose her for the fraud she had to be, just like Linda Lavin.

After someone's reading, she came out to see if anyone else wanted a reading. She was wearing a Winnie the Pooh button down. "This is the oh-so-accurate tarot card reader? Puh-lease!" I thought. She didn't look like a Gyspy. Where's all the eye makeup and cheap gold jewelry? I thought these people were suppose to dress like Stevie Nicks, not the grandma that runs the neighborhood daycare.

Adam asked if I was going to go. I started to say no, but then I suddenly got nervous about it. I was kind of scared about it and that kind of weirded me out. It was the same kind of fear I've felt when I had doubt in myself and later regretted not having the experience. "Fuck it," I thought. I got up and went into the "reading room."

The only information I gave her was my first name. I offered nothing else. She shuffled her deck, told me to cut the cards, put them back and dealt them in that tarot formation. "Let's see whatcha go Lady," I thought.

Oddly enough, everything she focused on was career and money oriented. "You have a career change coming soon." No shit, I just got laid off. What else you got? "You will have plenty of money in 2005 and not have to worry about it." This was around the time when I was starting the really worry about my unemployment.

Most of the stuff she told me was stuff in the future, so I wasn't that impressed. I mean she had my twenty bucks already. She could have told me anything and that didn't mean it was true.

She did tell me one thing that peeked my interest. "You have spent a great deal of time this year bettering yourself." That was pretty specific and of course true.

In retrospect, most of the stuff she told me has come true. I didn't get a new job and like she said, it would be a challenge and I'd have plenty of work to do, but I'd handle it just fine. I don't know about the money situation for 2005. It's working out pretty good now, but let's keep our fingers crossed. If it turns out to be yet another lean year, that tarot card reader can kiss my grits.

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Thinking

Don't get me wrong. I love winter in Phoenix. I don't miss shoveling snow, scraping ice off my windshield or falling on my ass on icy sidewalks. The winters here are verrrry mild, usually sunny and just nice.

(You know there's a "but" coming up.)

However (ha! Fooled you!), there is one thing I don't like about winters here. It never truly feels like Christmastime here. Here it is, the last shopping weekend before the holiday, and everywhere I go I see people wearing shorts and tank tops. I mentioned this to a friend of mine who lives in Spokane and she started yelling, "SHORTS!?? SHORTS!!?? Are you fucking kidding me!?" She grew up in California, so the Washington weather has been a bit of an adjustments.

It just doesn't seem right. Last night, I decided to pull out my jacket to wear to dinner. (Notice I said jacket and not coat. I don't own a coat. I have no need for a coat, therefore, I don't own a coat.) To be honest, I could have not worn my jacket easily. I certainly didn't need my scarf, but I have a scarf and BY GAWD I WANT TO WEAR IT!

After seven Christmases, you'd think I'd adjust, but it never feels like Christmas. Usually it doesn't because I'm either in a funk or not in the mood. This year is different. I'm in a very festive mood. I've had that big holiday hustle bustle that most people have being ultra busy with holiday parties and assorted errand running. It's crazy, but it's been a lot of fun. Tiring, but fun. I told someone recently, "You know, last year at this time I was in a huge depression and didn't want to do anything for the holiday. BUT, I was well rested. There's something to be said about that."

So while most of you are bundled up in your heavy coats with your stocking caps and gloves (I don't own gloves either.), sipping your hot chocolate by a roaring fireplace on a crisp winter's night, I'll be sipping iced tea...on the patio....barefoot...enjoying our balmy 75 degree weather.

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I survived my first week back in America's workforce. It's kind of sad. A couple mornings this week, waking up all toasty under my covers, I had thoughts of sleeping in. Then I'd wake up a bit and realize it's my FIRST week and I don't want it to be my LAST.

I developed some poor sleeping habits during my unemployment.

On my way home tonight, I was telling Mark about a Seinfeldian® thing that has happened to me all week. On my first day, my boss took me on a tour of the building and we stopped by office after office and she introduced me to person after person. Naturally I forgot everyone's name then minute they told it to me. No big, I thought, I have plenty of time to learn their names.

On three different occasions this week, the same woman has come up to me and asked me how it's going and such. For the life of me I can NOT remember her name or what she does. Mark said, "Oh Honey, I have no problem telling someone, 'I'm sorry Baby. I forgot your name. What is it?' That solves that problem."

True. That would have been helpful the FIRST time she came up to me but I was eating lunch and in mid-bite so I was caught off guard and wasn't think. Now I've talked to her a total of THREE times. I missed the window for the "I forgot your name" confession. It would seem freakish and rude to admit I haven't known who she is this whole time.

Mark suggested I just ask someone with me after she leaves. I would have done that too, but each time I've been alone and these are the ONLY times I've seen her so I haven't been able to point her out to one of my co-workers and find out who she is.

"Maybe she's not real," I told Mark. "Maybe she's an apparition! She's some sort of ghost and only I see her."

Okay, maybe not. But how cool would that be. New job AND a haunting all in on