A couple weeks ago, I started thinking about Mondo Beyondo. I've done them before, they are super empowering and energizing. But when I remembered it was time for a new list, I just wasn't feeling it.

All I've been feeling lately is numb. Last year, especially the last few months of it, left me very shaken. Going through two layoffs in one year was no picnic. While my head said, "You'll be fine. You'll land on your feet," during the second layoff, my heart was thinking, "I'm not sure how much more I can take of this." Luckily, I got through it, relatively unscathed.

When I told my friends about the temp job I started at the beginning of the year, they'd always ask me if I was excited. I wasn't. Don't get me wrong – I was very relieved and happy to have a job and finally income again. But I couldn't muster any excitement about it. The economy is still shaky and this job isn't a sure thing. I still feel unstable, like at any moment another layoff could be coming. And being a contract employee, it would be much easier to get rid of me.

So the thought of listing my goals and what I want to create for myself hasn't been something I've wanted to face yet because when I do start to think about it, I only get as far as KEEP MY HEAD ABOVE WATER.

I thought I might have caught a break because Andrea hadn't posted about Mondo Beyondo yet. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she was too busy. Maybe she didn't want to face it either.

Today, she posted.

And it's good she did, because I NEED to face this fear — that's what it is: big, old, stinking, useless fear. The last thing I need is to spend the whole year walking around like a zombie, trying not to feel or trying not to care. I can't let the craptastic events of last year overshadow the awesomeness that made 2008 a great year or ruin this year before it's even in full swing.

Rejuvenation begins with a simple list.

• Post this on the fridge. The problem with blogging about this is that it gets buried in the archives. I need this to be front and center.

• Embrace my oddball nature. I've always felt a bit like an outsider looking in. Call it what you want: unique, weird, different. You know what? I like that about myself.

• Treat myself better. Whether that is eating healthier (already on it,) or actually using my gym membership after an extended hiatus, or just being more respectful of my self, I will do it.

• Tell more stories. I don't know why you read my blog. When I look at it, it seems like the most boring thing ever to me. Not that it needs to be more exciting in content, but could I at least describe my day without resorting to using ALL CAPS SIMPLY FOR EMPHASIS? (Not that I intend to cut that out.)
  
  There are so many things I never share here. I'm not sure if that is because I'd rather keep them to myself, or because I don't know HOW (see!) to share them. I think I know where to start.

• Become a better designer. I am very lucky to have a job that allows me to be creative, and yet, I have so much to learn. This is where I start.

And that's it. I'm keeping it short and sweet this year. I think I can at least accomplish the first one. As for the second one, waaaay ahead of you on that. The other three are ones I've already given some thought to and started.

Whew. That wasn't so scary after all.

Now it's your turn. What do YOU want to create for yourself this year?

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The other day when I looked up my old Mondo Beyondo list, do you know what I forgot to do? READ what my list was back then.

D'oh!

So last night, I read it to Thomas and I was pretty amazed to discover that I had accomplished in some way, most of the things I wrote. Okay, so I didn't ever host sock puppet kareoke night and let's face it, I'm NEVER going to become one of those crazy active people who are always doing things like hiking, yoga and stuff. But that, of course, is not the point of Mondo Beyondo. You are supposed to think BIG. Think impossible and my favorite, think dangerously. What scares you? Frightens you? Creeps into your comfort zone? What truly challenges you?

All that said, I did accomplish some of my list. I did do some freelance work here and there and in my own way, I've created a family of friends I rely on.

But here's the best one. Number four. I am THIS close to being debt free! THIS CLOSE. Last year, I watched several balances fall to zero. After all this time, it's such an amazing feeling to finally see the debt free light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, last Friday I decided to just up and pay off my final student loan. Now they owe me twelve cents! (Pay up Sallie Mae!)

After reading my old list, I was even more excited to make a new Mondo Beyondo. So here goes:

• I will go to California and see the other ocean. (Can you believe I've lived in Arizona for ten years and STILL haven't been to California?)

• I will make my apartment a home.

• I will ride my bike, explore my neighborhood and meet who's in my neighborhood.

• I will talk to strangers.

• I will create things that are not made of pixels.

• I will really listen when others speak.

• I will reach out to people I admire.

• I will invite someone dangerous to tea.

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Really? Has it really been since 2004 that I last did a Mondo Beyondo? Oy. Where does the time go?

Mondo Beyondo is all about celebrating what's to come and what CAN be.

One of my favorite things Alden has ever said is:

"I don't make resolutions because a resolution to me is like an ending, and right now, I'm all about beginnings."

Smart dude, that Alden. The new year is a new start. It's all fresh with new car smell. What we should truly resolve is what the previous year was, whether it was awesome, sucked or just kinda meh.

And that's what part one is all about: Completing.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?

Well, first, I celebrate losing thirty pounds. Go me.

In 2007 I really defined myself professionally for the first time. Although I've been working on websites for about eight years and as a web designer since 2006, I would never call myself a web designer because I didn't feel I earned or even deserved that title. After all, I've never been formally trained as a web designer or have a degree in design. That's always made me feel less than. But this past year, I decided that is a just bunch of coddleswap because goddamnit I AM a freakin' web designer. And a pretty good one too.

I made the choice to change my living situation. That may seem like a silly thing for a mid-to-late thirties adult to say, but think about it: Julie and I lived together for nine years. I know plenty of marriages and relationships that haven't lasted half that. We lived together for so long because we were comfortable doing so. We formed our own little family. Breaking that up was a scary thing to do, but ultimately, it was for the best for both of us.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?

I forgive myself gaining back seven of those lost pounds. I forgive myself for watching too much television (Seriously. Did I really need to watch EVERY episode of Burn Notice?) and not reading more books. I forgive myself for hibernating all summer and neglecting people. I forgive myself for letting my heart become a tangled mess in places I knew better to let it go. I forgive myself for not sharing what's really going on with those who love me. I forgive myself for not blogging about it.

I grieve the loss of a very dear friendship.

What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Oh 2007, you brought with you many changes. But by the end's year, it was pretty clear where it was all heading. They say, "Everything happens for a reason," and you whispered that in my ear from beginning to end. Turns out, you weren't so bad after all. Thanks. I declare you complete!

2008 is my year of rejuvenation.

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I've made resolutions at the end of the year before, but a couple years ago I learned two very important things about them. First, you should never limit yourself to first-of-the-year resolutions. You should always look for opportunities to grow, change and better yourself. Evolution is a life long process and if you want to do something or change something about yourself, then do it now.

The other thing I learned has been so well said by Superhero Andrea: "Resolutions are a setup for failure...because we are not inspired by deprivation." I am ALL about creating things for yourself.
I believe everyone has the power within them to build a great and extraordinary life. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but it IS doable.

I think it is natural to reflect on the past year when it is ending. This morning before I left my house, I was thinking about my life one year ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life. Every day was a chore to get through. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I felt dead to the world and everything around me seemed lifeless and distant. I hated my life.

Today, I love my life. It's by no means glamorous and nothing particularly exciting happens, but it's a pretty great life filled with people I love, laughter and color. I take such pleasure in the little things. Being greeted with a "Hey Brian" when I pick up my breakfast from my favorite cafe. Making the lady at the UPS Store laugh. Getting my eighth purchase of tea free at the coffee shop. Watching my cat sleep. Getting instant messages at work that make me laugh out loud. The other day someone asked me how my day was. I said it was great. He asked, "what was so great about it?" I told him I didn't know, it just was. That's how I feel lately. Everything is good and the way it's suppose to be.

I love, love, love the idea of the Mondo Beyondo list. Making a list of things so far-fetched, you think they could possibly never happen. Things that can actually scare you to write them down. A very cool idea. I encourage you all to write your own and share it, either here, on your own blog or on Andrea's.

• I will talk to strangers and really listen to them
  


• Host sock puppet kareoke night
  


• Start freelancing
  


• I will be 100% debt free for the rest of my life
  


• Become one of those crazy active people who are always doing things like hiking, yoga and stuff
  


• Travel the world and learn its music
  


• Create a family
  

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