Yesterday I received not one, not two but three letters from a bankruptcy court. Two days after laying off almost 80% of its workforce, the company I used to work for filed for Chapter 11.

So why am I getting notices about this, you may ask. I and my former coworkers have not been compensated for our last two and half weeks of pay. Since we are no longer employees of the company, our payroll is now classified as part of the company's debt. Therefore the court gets to decide when, if and how much we will get paid our final wages.

It's the most, wonderful time of the year...

I completely understand that the owners have to do what's best for their business to stay afloat. I get that. I really do. But let me be completely clear about this one thing: not paying us before they filed for bankruptcy was dishonorable and deceitful. When we were laid off, the word bankruptcy never came up. If it had, someone would have probably said, "Uh, hey! I want my money now dammit." Instead we were told we would be on payroll for one more week and would receive our final paycheck plus vacation pay two days after.

Lies.

Being out of work at the end of the year — a time typically known for being very slow month for hiring except temporary retail help (which I would guess has been light this year) — is stressful enough. Add in the recession and it's worse. Sprinkle on top some "OMG! I have no savings because I've spent the last five years paying off all my debt," and for good measure let's just Paula Deen it and sandwich it between a big helping of no final paycheck... you can see how this is recipe for buckling over in pain and needing to take medication.

So, last week I made a very difficult, but necessary decision. I cashed out my small, emphasis on small, retirement fund so I could pay for rent, utilities and groceries. It was either that or join the homeless Native American tranny hookers who stay in the alley behind my apartment. Sadly, I don't look that good in heels.

Of course, I would never be truly homeless. I have plenty of friends who would welcome me into their homes if I needed a place to crash. That is what I'm referring to currently as PLAN B because it's still a very possible outcome. This money coupled with unemployment (which I still haven't received yet because the government is SOFA KING AWESOME in its speed and organization) will only last so long.

But for now, thankfully, I am able to breathe a little easier.

The job hunt has been understandably slow. There just isn't a lot out there. I've had a couple interviews that didn't (most likely for the best) pan out, and one scheduled for this Friday that looks like it could be interesting. I have a feeling that January will pick up when the new quarter starts.

In the meantime, I've been working on some correspondence of my own. I wrote a letter to Santa Claus today, asking him to bring the owners of this company a terminal case of pubic lice and painful anal fissures. Hopefully my letter won't get lost in the sea of similar requests from other good boys and girls who are out of a job this holiday season.

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I don't suppose I could get away with this for interviews?

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When I'm stressed out, it all goes straight to my stomach which is really not good when you have diverticulitis. Monday, I started having the tell-tale horrible stomach cramps that accompany such flare ups. Then last night, I had a fever.

Oh joy.

I predicted this would happen so I had my doctor prescribe and fill my meds while I still have insurance.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Denver to visit Thomas for a the weekend. We had planned this trip a while ago, so I might as well still take it. I think it will be good to get away for a short time. Even though I will most likely turn into a popsicle the moment my feet touch the cold Colorado soil. Thomas informs me that on Thanksgiving, it is supposed to be in the 40s and that I should, "wear an outfit we can set afire to keep you warm on way to the house."

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When I parked my car, I smelled pot in the parking lot. Once inside, I passed two guys who reeked of beer in the waiting area. It was around 10 AM.

I need a Silkwood Shower® STAT.

It was quick visit. I was in and out in ten minutes. Amazingly, there was no one in line even though the place was packed. The not-so-necessarily-nice lady behind the desk asked me if I used the website to file my claim. I told her I did but it wouldn't let me complete it. Then she chastised me for not having a Kreskin like ability to understand the intricacies of their website.

Hey. I have an idea, lady. Why don't YOU hire me to make your website easier to understand and use? How about that?

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My blog doesn't feel like a very happy place lately because frankly, my life isn't a very happy place lately. I'm tired of blogging about not having a job and the panic associated with it just as I'm sure you are tired of reading about it.

I spent today applying for jobs, crying and furiously washing dishes; because when I'm upset, I clean. By next Tuesday, I expect this apartment to be spotless.

I hate the uncertainty. I hate what crappy news tomorrow may bring. I hate the fact I am anticipating more crappy news tomorrow, instead of looking forward to a new day but you know what? It is PAR FOR THE FUCKING COURSE lately.

I hate that all I want to do is sleep.

I hate hearing about other people going through the same thing I am. I hate not being able to help them.

I hate having to ask for help.

I hate this kind of negativity but honestly, I have nothing else on my mind.

I hate feeling this way.

Permalink | File Under: Depression, Ranting, Unemployment

Now, what can I buy with 31 cents?

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Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment

I received this email late last night. Apparently from Tonto.

Dear webmaster,

I am the marketing manager of Bicupid.com. We would like to work with you setting up Dating Site for Bisexual.

We can set it up for you at no cost if you have strong interest in this field or work-at-home business. You can purchase the name for your own bisexual dating site at Godaddy.com, own the domain and brand. We take care of all the backend and engineering work. Also customer service work,

You don't have to worry that no one exists at your bisexual dating site at the beginning. Your site will share hundreds of thousands of profiles with other bisexual sites we have already set up. Your users can immediately contact hundreds of thousands of other bisexual users once they register at your bisexual dating site.

You can earn money if you have users registering with or without becoming a payment member.

Well, there's an avenue I haven't thought about.

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I was driving around yesterday and saw a K-Mart and decided to stop to buy a couple things I needed. Huge yellow and red signs announced its closing. "Everything must go!" Discounts galore.

It was eerie seeing the shelves barely filled with merchandise or completely empty.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that her company laid off a bunch of people. I've had many friends tell me the same about their companies. When I look on job posting sites, the pickings are very slim. I think I applied for the same job four times already. I imagine job recruiters and headhunters are pretty hard up now too so they are all trying to fill the same position.

Everyone keeps telling me, "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll have a new job soon."

I'm not so sure.

When I was laid off in May, I was a teensy bit freaked out, but otherwise pretty confident something would turn up quickly. And luckily, it did.

Six months later, the economy is in the toilet, companies are laying off tons of people and filing for bankruptcy and more and more businesses are shutting down completely. There are lots of empty shelves out there.

And when I listen to the news, I hear experts say, this is only the beginning.

The beginning?

I won't lie. I'm worried. Very worried.

I guess I'm lucky that I was able to pay off all my debt before this happened, so really, my only expenses are to keep are roof over my head and basic necessities like electricity and food. But to be completely honest, that just pisses me off. I've been looking forward to having some financial freedom for so long. And now I have no steady income. Zilch. And no tangible prospects.

I was really looking forward to Christmas this year. Not because I wanted to spend lots of money but because there's a real difference in buying the gift you want to give to someone you love or care about opposed to getting the gift you can afford.

And spare the me "Christmas is not about giving or getting stuff" lecture. I already know that, but you know what... IT IS partially about that.

I've been reassessing my budget this week. Determining what is my bare bones minimum and what can I cut. Do I really need Netflix? Can I afford to keep my gym membership.

It's been hard putting on a brave or even remotely happy face. Fortunately, I have great friends who are able to pull me out of the funk and make me smile and laugh. Even if it's just a phone call, email or instant message. Before it gets too dark, I am reminded that I am loved. That gets me through another day.

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I'm having a super shitty day due to the fucktards at my digestive health doctor's office. What part of "I only have insurance until the end of the month," do they not get?

So I turn to you, dear readers. I need to laugh.

Leave your funniest joke in the comments. My health depends on it.

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No, I'm not stoned. I had an eye appointment this morning to use my eye care allowance up before my insurance expires at the end of the month.

I have a great eye doctor. He's very thorough but also explains what every test is for and what the results mean. All good information even though my brain always processes it as: YOU ARE GETTING OLD AND GOING BLIND MORE AND MORE EVERY DAY.

After my eyes were dilated, I was asked if I had sunglasses with me. I said they were in the car. So I paid and headed to my car and the minute I stepped out of the shade OMFG it's so freaking bright out! I made it to the car after almost colliding into a bicyclist on the side walk and drove home with no problem.

My phone rang but I couldn't see who it was. Usually I would let it go to voicemail, but I'm glad I answered because...

IT WAS A JOB OFFER!

In two weeks, I will once again be a productive member of society.

Again, I want to reiterate how grateful I am for all your comments, emails, instant messages and phone calls. Your support has meant the world to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, what the hell am I going to do for the next two weeks?

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First, remind me to NEVER make that face again.

Second, don't get used to this look.

The recruiter's email told me to "dress to impress," so I assumed that meant "wear a suit." I am SO not a suit person.

For your listening amusement, my thoughts on wearing this suit.

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Oy. Looking for a job is exhausting. Srsly.

Monday I was at it from 8:30 AM to after 11 PM with breaks for eating, doing dishes and eventually showering. I say eventually because the sun was down when I finally got around to it and the cat was looking at me like, "Hey man... are you gonna like do something about that stank already?"

It has been very productive so far. I had a meeting today and have interviews scheduled for Thursday and Friday, so wish me luck.

I want to thank EVERYONE for all the great comments, suggestions and job leads. Your support has meant so much to me. I'm not sure I could adequately express how much. Every time I get a new comment, or email or phone call it reminds me what I love about this community we call blogging and I am continually humbled by your kindness. Thank you.

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Guess who was laid off the day before his two year anniversary.

After the woman I'd never met from corporate HR explained my severance package and services to me, she commented on my calm, relaxed demeanor.

"It's not my first time."

I mean, don't get me wrong... it sucks. Totally sucks. Especially since I really, really loved this job. It was an awesome place to work with really cool, talented people and the work was interesting, fun and challenging. I learned a lot working there and I'll miss my colleagues.

But life goes on. I do have a bit of a time crunch with how long my severance will last. My last severance package was much more generous and afforded me a few months to look for work.

So, I'll probably save my freak out for after my severance runs out but for now all energies are focused on finding a new job.

With the exception of this weekend. I think copious amounts of booze are in order.

Comments (14)
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I had a boss once who'd always said, "Everything happens for a reason." When I first met her, I thought she was full of shit and was very annoyed by her catchphrase. Probably it got on my nerves because at the time "everything" was a bucket of unhappiness, futility and hopelessness and being told it was happening for a reason just wasn't what I wanted to hear.

But after this year of re-examination and getting my shit together (or together-ish as it sometimes feels), I've come to believe that motto to be true. In the past month after getting laid off, I've been forced to do a lot of thinking about my unemployment. All of my friends: near, far and virtual, have been very supportive and it has been an incredible gift having them during this time. However, despite all of this support, my brain has been working overtime worrying about everything from "what will I do if I don't have a job in three months?" to "is this going to bring back the depression?". At times, it's been hard remaining positive, but my old boss's words kept ringing in my head.

Everything happens for a reason.

The day I was sacked, I returned home and immediately started updating my resume to send out. My friend Jenn sent me an instant message surprised to see me logged in during business hours. She said ,"Hey. Just wanted to throw something at you. We're looking for a copy writer/production assistant here at work. I'm not sure if that's something you'd be interested in or not." I told her I was just laid off an hour ago, so yes I would be very interested. I sent her my resume and was called immediately for an interview.

I had the interview 4 days after my surgery. Not the wisest of decisions on my part, but I really thought I might be recovered by then. I was SO wrong, but I went anyway. I apologized and explained why I sounded congested and like shit, but the hiring manager didn't seem to mind. After the interview, she gave me an assignment to do to get an idea of what kind of work it'd produce. It was a very short assignment, but I really enjoyed doing it. It was even, dare I say it, fun.

The following week, I was told they hired someone else. I kept telling myself everything happens for a reason. There is something better out there or I was meant to do something else.

Or maybe I was meant to just wait a while longer. Yesterday afternoon, they called me to offer the job. Apparently, it didn't work out with whomever they hired. So my unemployment is coming to an end very soon and I'm pretty excited about it. Jenn IMed me this afternoon and said, "It's been crazy around here. Enjoy your last de-stressed days." I told her I'd rather take that kind of stress over the stress of The Unknown? any day.

Everything happens for a reason. It is very true.

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Several weeks ago, I was sitting in my therapist's office. Our visits had become more and more infrequent. No more weekly sessions, instead we met every three to four weeks. She's pregnant with twins so I was always surprised how far along she'd gotten every time I entered her office. After I sat down and we started talking, she asked, "Is this our last session or is it the next one?" We had been talking about coming to a stopping point for a while. Things had been going great for a while, I had fewer things to discuss, so I said, "This can be the last one if that's cool with you."

We started talking about what this year has been like and what I was like when I first walked in her door opposed to now. I remember so vividly how I felt a year ago. What my state of mind was. How I was. In some ways it seems light years away and in others it seems like last week. It was kind of cool to reflect on the year and see how my life is different. "It's because you were willing to do the work," she said. "Not everyone is. You were."

"Yeah," I said, sort of proud and slightly beaming. We wrapped up our discussion at the end of the hour and agreed this wasn't an end necessarily. If I needed anything to just call her. I shook her hand, thanked her, wished her well with the remainder of her pregnancy and left.

My first go of therapy was very unsuccessful. That guy was pretty ineffective and not really good at what he did. The experience left me feeling uneasy about starting again and I waited a long time before making another go at it. I lucked out finding this therapist on the first try. When we met, we were instantly a good fit and I was ready. While I saw her for most of the year, it seemed like a very short time in retrospect. But like she said, I was willing to do the work, I did, and now it was time to set out on my own. I know I'm not cured, but it was time I handled myself and my shit alone. Time to deal with what life throws at me on my own.

Life threw the first punch a week later.

When I was laid off, I was determined to remain positive about it. It's an opportunity to find something new, something that makes me happier. I still believe that. Having surgery three days after being dismissed kind of took my mind off everything hanging overhead. Well, that and the drugs. But as soon as the stints were taken out and I no longer needed the pain medication, the gravity of my unemployment started sinking in.

I was with The Company? for seven years. I didn't always like it, but it was a steady paycheck and very good benefits. That's what I wanted. The stability of knowing twice a month, a direct deposit was made to my checking account and I could immediately disperse it to my many bills. Now, I'm faced with major decisions peppered with The Unknown?. The Unknown? is no friend of mine. I don't mind The Unknown? for trivial matters, but when The Unknown? fucks with the (seemingly) important, that's when I worry. I worry I'm not going to find a job before my severance runs out. I worry about not finding a job that pays anywhere near what I was being paid before (and that wasn't much). I worry about not being able to pay my bills and getting kicked out of my debt management program. I worry about not being able to pay rent. I worry about being a failure.

I worry about the future, but now I also worry about the present.

Over the last year I watched a very dear friend go through exactly what I am going through now. It wasn't fun to watch. The disappointment and frustration. The feeling helplessness and hopelessness. Trying to comfort someone going through this is not easy and many times I felt like I was falling short or incapable of really being any comfort at all. No matter what I had to say or offer, I knew she was going to feel what she was going to feel. Just as now, I am going to feel what I am going to feel.

Before I left therapy, we talked about what if my depression comes back. I know it is possible and statistically likely. Most people who suffer from depression have recurrences. Of course at the time I had hoped it would be quite a while before I had to think about it, but now I find myself becoming hyper aware of EVERY move I make to see if the clues are there that depression looms around the corner.

I took a nap one afternoon. Am I depressed? I skipped the gym one day. Am I depressed? I avoided answering the phone. Am I depressed? I had a spoonful of peanut butter for dinner. Am I depressed? Everything received a thorough CSI examination. Looking for signs of depression was starting to depress me. It was too much. I realized I need to dial it back.

Yesterday was a particularly shitty day. EVERYTHING seems to go wrong and both suck and blow. All I could think about was how much I wanted the day to end. By the time my roommate and her boyfriend got home in the evening, I felt unraveled and ready to lose it. I grabbed my keys and drove with no destination in mind. I had to get away. After driving around in circles, I ended up at a friend's house and was invited to stay for dinner. For the next three hours, we talked, ate, laughed and were just there together. It was exactly what I needed.

During my drive home, I rolled the windows down. I felt the cool air. I said out loud, "I'm gonna be okay," because I was reminded what I need in my life: good, caring, loving people.

All the rest, including The Unknown?, is just filler.

Permalink | File Under: Depression, Life, Unemployment

Since my official termination date from The Company? was October 31st (when they sack you, you leave immediately and are just paid out for the final days), this past week was my first real week unemployed.

It was kind of a drag.

I spent it reworking my resume, posting it all over the place and sending it off for different jobs. And yet I feel like I did very little. I'd fill my time with going to the gym, laundry and dishes. One day, rinsing a sauce pan, I thought, "I could so be a Desperate Housewife. Why can't I get paid to just be here." I ran this past The Roommate, however she said the money wasn't in the 2005 budget and to check back with her next November.

The hardest part of this being out of work business, so far, has been the lack of a routine. I loves me some routine. Not a complete "control your life, eveything has to be in perfect order" routine, but a get up, go to the gym, eat breakfast, go to work, read email, blah blah blah, routine. Being at home and after work, that was my caveat. I could do whatever I wanted then. But now, I'm home ALL THE FRICKING TIME and it's getting a wee bit on my nerves. I feel off balanced and thrown. The first two unofficial weeks it didn't really bother me because I was doped up on pain pills and dealing with nose bleeds. It's okay to nap all day and do nothing while you are doped up on pain pills. But this last week was starting to feel a little like The Shining

So, I took the day off from job hunting on Friday and just left the house. No real destination in mind. Not too much money either. I ended up at a thrift store and then another and then a dollar store. Among my booty:

• The Healthy Kitchen by Andrew Weil, Rosie Daley, which I have already used. Saturday I made some kick ass Tomato, Corn and Basil soup.
• An unopened "For Your Consideration" Emmy voter tape from the first season of Felicity. This was a gift of nostalgia for The Roommate who loved her some Felicity and a never-too-late peace offering for me making fun of her for watching the show and then secretly watching it myself. There was also several tapes for The Chris Isaak Show, however I'm sure Goodwill wasn't selling the kind of tapes I would need to answer the eternal question.
• A book on natural healing and remedies for like EVERYTHING you could ever be struck down with, whether it be the common cold, hemorrhoids, herpes or menses. (DISCLAIMER: The Other Brian does not advocate using herbs and supplements in lieu of medical treatment for serious illnesses or disease, however he does advocate the use of liquid fabric softener as a facial treatment. My skin has never been so soft and my sperm count never so low. Thanks for the tip Rob.)
• A bottle of Pine-Sol in a scent known as "Orange Energy". I like citrusy smells, so I thought this would be a winner. Then I used it. It smells like orange soda and now, so does my kitchen. It also inspires you to sing the Fanta Girls song.

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Since I've got a more time on my hands since becoming suddenly unemployed and recovering from snotty nosed septoplasty, I've been catching up on my blog reading. I'm ashamed to admit it but I've been rather lax on reading everyone's blogs. Not just certain ones, but everyone's. I've had quite a few conversations and IM chats that have included, "I blogged about that. Didn't you read it?" and then I'd hang my head in shame and say, "No. No I didn't. Would you please put yourself out for a moment and actually tell me what's going on in your life?"

So, it's been a while. Like, did you know Sissy SpaceChik stopped blogging?

Okay, it hasn't been that long, but here are some current observations.

• Just noticed MzOuiser has a new template including a link to her Blogger profile and a va-va-voom photo of her gorgeous self. Following her lead, I updated my "Occupation" listing on my Blogger profile.
• So Bob's apparently moving or something. Bullocks. Or has he moved already? (I'm a skimmer folks.)
• Zenleo is on hiatus. I hope not for long.
• Oh dear lord! Is it football season again? I have known Jennifer for a very long time. She is a lovely and amazing woman, mother and wife. She is also crazy obsessed when it comes to OU football. An obsession that both frightens and disturbs me even though I've never even been near her during a game, but I can imagine the intensity of such an event. I bet you a dollar she has one of those giant foam fingers somewhere or her ringtone plays Boomer Sooner. Really. One whole dollar.
• He sails, he sips wine on the beach, he jets off for top secret weekend getaways. How do you solve a problem like Ryanstask?
• For the record, I never asked to see it.
• Did you know Mark has a boyfriend? You'd never know from his blog. He's so private about it. (Just giving you some shit Boo Boo, Gawd bless ya. I heart you.)

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Permalink | File Under: Blogging, Unemployment

You've probably heard in the news about large companies who are downsizing their workforce during the fourth quarter. I work for one of those companies. Today, I was laid off.

It wasn't a complete shock. I've been with this company for a while now and watched lay offs happen just about once every year. This is the first year I felt like my job was at risk and what do you know...I was correct.

I have remained strangely calm today. I'm not sure if it is due to a zen-like perspective of knowing that everything works out the way it is supposed to or if I'm just in shock or denial. I'd like to think it's the former.

I see this as an opportunity. I've been very unhappy for a while now and have longed to find something new. This is sort of the nudge or push, I needed to get me going.

Fortunately, I do have a severance that will cover me for a few months. That helps with the calm. Of course, if I haven't found something by February, I will probably be wigging out.

Number 99 on my list of 100 things says "I believe the best is yet to come," and I do truly believe that. This happened for a reason. I can't wait to see where it leads me.

Permalink | File Under: Life, Unemployment